It’s Still a Barrel of Laughs

I still love this game, even when there aren’t any: The good thing about the NBA, it doesn’t have to play to provide comic relief.

Assuming you’ve tired of watching agent David Falk’s head swelling to the size of the Goodyear Blimp, we offer new fare. . .

* News item: Clippers become first team in history to start the season without a coach.

* Comment: They may be heading into a brand new arena but it’s the same old Donald.

They’ll probably hire Jim Brewer, Bill Fitch’s nice-guy assistant, who’s willing to work for the short pay owner Donald T. Sterling has in mind, or, for the moment, for free.

Sterling is waiting until the lockout ends, saving a salary (while banking about $5 million monthly from NBC and Turner), not to mention three more for yet-unnamed assistants.

Someone might say this is another chapter in the Clips’ El Cheapo history. Personally, I wish Donald was President of the United States because we wouldn’t have any more worries about the deficit or social security.

This just in! In today’s Memorial Day speech, President Sterling announced he was cutting the pay of Cabinet member Richard Riley.

“It’s summer,” Sterling said. “School’s out. What do we need a secretary of education for?”

President Sterling announced today he was firing Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin and abolishing the Cabinet post.

“The stock market is up 1,500 points in six weeks,” Sterling said. “I think we can take it from here.”

President Sterling today appointed a replacement for Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.

“He wanted a raise,” the president said.

As Americans, we would have to hope Sterling did a better job with our country than his franchise, which can be found in the NBA dictionary under “laughingstock.”

Sterling is that rare, almost mythical, owner that union officials and agents have in mind when they say, “If (fill in name of their client) wasn’t worth all that money, they wouldn’t pay it.”

Sterling never pays it, and, in fact, they’re almost never worth it. Of course, Sterling’s teams never win, either, but the record suggests that isn’t his priority or very high on the list.

Players had better be thankful there aren’t more Sterlings. Luckily, there’s only the one.

Elsewhere, owners pay too much; companies lease luxury suites for hundreds of thousands of dollars; networks commit billions, even taking losses just to use the games as promotional vehicles or deny them to rivals (see: CBS’ decline without the NFL). Franchise values soar and players’ salaries with them.

“I’m not pro-player, I’m not pro-owner,” says University of Chicago economics professor Allen Sanderson, who researches the impact of professional sports. “I’m sort of pro-consumer.

“The owners profit from operating a cartel, which is a monopoly that generates profits. The players share in those profits.

“Does the average fan have a dog in the field? No.”

The average fan has been getting phased out for years. Now he watches on TV as Spike Lee heckles Reggie Miller from his $1,250 seat in Madison Square Garden.

The owners built this cartel over the years. Even the lowly Bulls that Michael Jordan joined in 1984 had established a niche as Chicago’s major league basketball team, as humble as that distinction was. If Jordan doesn’t recognize the value of that, let him suit up for the Chicago Stallions or Whatevers in that new league Falk is talking about forming.

Even M.J., the one player who deserves whatever he’s paid, owes something to the league, so it wasn’t nice of him to tell Wizard owner Abe Pollin--who has been in it for 35 years, many of them lean ones--to sell his team if he can’t compete.

Of course, we’re the ones who are stuck with Sterling’s neglected franchise, but if you look at it the right way, you can’t say it isn’t worth a laugh or two.

* News item: Karl Malone says he’ll demand a trade to the Lakers or join them as a free agent in ’99.

* Comment: Didn’t they tell him not to go drinking with the XTRA crew after the show?

I feel especially bad about this latest lunacy from Mailman, since I wrote him up last spring as this down-home, unaffected, level-headed, stand-up guy, and not only that, believed it.

Mr. Dignity promptly stopped coming to the press room after bad games and announced he would wrestle Dennis Rodman.

(I’d feel even worse if I was ESPN’s SportsCenter, which led with this story last Wednesday night. Getting a little desperate, guys?)

Malone makes a paltry $6.1 million because he has always represented himself and has a bumpkin for a client. Jazz owner Larry Miller may look like an oaf, joining huddles and all, but he isn’t dumb enough to trade Mailman here, no matter what he demands.

Malone can, indeed, sign with the Lakers next summer--assuming he’s willing to take that new average-salary exception (about $2.6 million) or that $1-million minimum for 10-year men.

The Lakers are already at $37.3 million for the 1999-2000 season, which will be far over the cap, and they haven’t even re-signed Kobe Bryant.

So ends a great Laker career, before it started.

* News item: Falk plans exhibition in Las Vegas for his stars.

* Comment: This could be a discreet rehearsal for that new league we’ve heard so much about!

So far, Jordan, the jewel in Falk’s crown, hasn’t committed to playing, only promising to attend. Nevertheless, let’s hope the game is a success, that Falk goes ahead and forms his new circuit and becomes commissioner.

After that, you’d like to see Falk’s son graduate from law school, sign up all the best players and grow up to be exactly like dad.