In a Perfect World, It Would Only Be a Football Factory

Ohio State football Coach John Cooper, embarrassed by Andy Katzenmoyer’s eligibility case (he took summer courses in golf, music and AIDS awareness), wants to streamline his operation by having players eat, study and practice at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center, which was named after another single-minded Buckeye coach.

“Ideally for us, you come over to Woody Hayes, you practice, you go to study hall, you eat and then you go home,” Cooper said.

Of course, you won’t be enjoying as much campus life, having your own campus.

“Yeah, we could have the dorms and the dining halls and the classrooms and the study hall all at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center,” said Athletic Director Andy Geiger. “We could be the University of the Woody Hayes Athletic Center football team. . . .

“Having a centrally located academic support unit would mean that the athletes would have their own special place and it would become even more elite and more exclusive and more incubated than it is now.”

As Cooper might say, right.

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More Buckeyes: Then there’s freshman tackle Paris Long, who was ineligible for the opener--because his academic advisor counted his hours incorrectly.

”. . . Paris Long, we just miscalculated,” Cooper said. “When I say we, I’m talking about everybody. . . . Quite a few people. I don’t know who exactly is responsible for that.”

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Trivia time: Don Baylor played on three teams in three consecutive World Series. Name the teams.

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Not under Fox Scope: USA Today’s Michael Hiestand notes Fox cameras managed to get reaction shots of Commissioner Bud Selig watching Mark McGwire go after his 62nd homer without ever showing the man sitting next to him--NBC’s Bob Costas.

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They’re sorry: Mike Piazza has snapped back, and everyone who booed him in New York is praying the Mets can re-sign him.

“I’m sure they [management] know now they need to sign him,” said John Franco. “It might help make some of the boo-birds go away if they know he’s going to be around.”

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Whoa, baby! ABC’s Keith Jackson, whose work inspired countless parodies by, for one, ESPN’s Chris Berman (“Rumblin’, Tumblin’, Stumblin’ . . . Fummmmmble!”) is in his last season announcing college football.

For comedians and others who treasure Jackson’s countrified commentary, the Washington Post’s Steve Berkowitz compiled some recent highlights.

On Florida State back Travis Minor: “Now he is just squarin’ his shoulders, droppin’ his head, and whammin’.” On the Seminoles: “I would liken playing against this Florida State defense to having a picnic in a log flat. There isn’t anyplace to go.”

OK, we give up, what’s a log flat?

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Trivia answer: Boston Red Sox (1986), Minnesota Twins (1987) and Oakland Athletics (1988).

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And finally: Washington Redskin halfback Brian Mitchell on volatile receiver Michael Westbrook: “It’s great to be excited, but you got to learn how to control it. I try to talk to him about it, but I keep going back to that commercial I saw about a kid potty-training: He’s not going to do it until he’s ready to do it.”