Punch Lines

Two Scoops: Thomas Knowlton, the president of Kellogg’s cereals, stunned the breakfast foods industry this week when he abruptly stepped down. “He resigned in disgrace after FDA investigations found that Kellogg’s Raisin Bran does not contain a full cup of raisins as claimed.” (Bob Mills)

I Want My MTV!: A poll conducted by MTV of young people ages 14 to 30 revealed that 65% of those responding prefer listening to CDs or watching videos, while 13% prefer to read. “The results have to be adjusted, though, since a full 27% of the participants were unable to read the questionnaire.” (Mills)

Time of the Season: “There are three perennial signs that fall is here: children returning to school, leaves changing from green to brown and the Angels choking in the last week of the season.” (Gary Easley)

Bad Idea: “You know who President Clinton has asked to represent him in the impeachment hearing in Congress? Bob Dole. Is that a good idea? Letting a man who admits to being on Viagra read that Ken Starr report? I think we’re looking for more trouble.” (Jay Leno)

Mountain Grinds: A new survey shows that coffee retailers in Brazil have been cheating buyers by bulking up blends with sand. “Hey, we always knew the coffee was mountain-grown, but who knew the mountain was actually in the coffee?” (Paul Steinberg)

Cramming Up: Operators of the Chunnel, the underwater tunnel between England and France, reported a loss of $220 million for the first half of the year. Company officials say stingy commuters, who try to save money on the toll by packing several people into the same car, are to blame for the loss. “It’s a condition known as ‘carpool tunnel syndrome.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

Look-Alikes: Al Lewis, who played Grandpa Munster, is running for governor of New York. So far in the campaign, Grandpa has labeled incumbent Gov. George Pataki “a hack,” he’s called the lieutenant governor “a moron” and referred to Mayor Rudolph Giuliani as “Benito.” “Even if he loses the election, Lewis can always fill in for Howard Stern.” (Lawson)

New Toys: Toyota’s new hybrid vehicle that uses gasoline and electricity gets 50 miles per gallon. “They could get 60 mpg, but Toyota said it would add too much stress to the handlebars.” (David Christensen)

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