Cutting the Academy to Size

It’s Oscar time again and I’d like a quick show of hands, please, of any parents of young children who’ve seen 10 of the 35 full-length feature films on the list.

Yes, didn’t think I was alone.

With that in mind, my bride, Louanne, and I sat down the other day with our distinguished academy awards panel--just us and three of our four children--and held our own vote.

The rules were simple. In fact, the actual academy may wish to consider adopting them: No shouting. No speeches. And one vote per person, regardless of stature. Imagine a world where a 4-year-old’s vote counts as much as a 37-year-old’s and you get the idea.

We also should note that we excused from the exercise our two-year-old son, not that he wasn’t qualified; after all, plenty of academy members act like 2-year-olds. It’s just that he’s at that developmental stage where he simply repeats whatever the last person to speak to him has said. This, it seemed, could seriously undermine the integrity of the vote.

Not to offend the distinguished actual academy members, but our list looked a bit different than theirs. The envelopes, please . . .

BEST ACTOR: Taking nothing away from what I’m sure were top-drawer performances by Tom Hanks and the rest of the actual nominees, we wonder if the academy simply overlooked Mushu the wiseacre dragon in “Mulan” and Chuckie from “Rugrats: The Movie.”

Has there ever been a more likable, if tart-tongued animated dragon than Mushu, who, upon the movie’s requisite happy ending, insists everybody order takeout Chinese food?

Besides, as our 7-year-old philosophizing son put it: “I like Mushu because he bites a guy’s bottom.”

Here, I’d like to point out that you rarely see such straightforwardness from the actual academy members. Perhaps some is in order.

In Chuckie, you have a character who perseveres against the tallest of odds, mainly a persistent head cold, a fear of just about everything that moves and thick-lens glasses that are always tumbling off his head. I’d like to see how tough-guy Nick Nolte would fare against such character demands.

BEST ACTRESS: Again, I’m certain that Meryl Streep and company held their own, but also deserving of recognition, it seems, are Lil, the blockheaded twin sister of Phil in “Rugrats,” Mulan in “Mulan,” the little girl who played Madeline in “Madeline” and Tommy, the diaper-clad adventurer from “Rugrats.”

You’ll note that Tommy is a boy’s name and, as such, doesn’t really belong in this category. But our kindhearted 4-year-old daughter felt strongly that that should not disqualify him. Tommy, of course, is the one who’s always saying, “A baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do.” I think you’ll agree you can’t have enough dialogue like that.

Among the numerous reasons our pint-sized panel offered for why Lil deserved the nod: She’s the loudest screamer in the world and she manages to persevere despite ingesting a variety of objects, including worms, boogers and, as our quick-thinking 10-year-old daughter noted as the votes were being tallied, bellybutton lint.

Even now I can envision such a character being pitched to the esteemed Gwyneth Paltrow: “Miss Paltrow, the character you would play calls for you to eat worms, boogers and lint. . . . Can do?”

BEST SUPPORTING PLAYER: Perennial nominees Ed Harris and Kathy Bates deserve their due, sure, but Cri-Kee the lucky cricket in “Mulan” is someone to keep an eye on.

BEST PICTURE: “Life Is Beautiful,” “Saving Private Ryan” and the rest of the actual nominees are worthy of attention, but we think “The Prince of Egypt,” “Madeline,” “Mulan” and “Rugrats” could all give them a run. You might even consider “Paulie,” an uplifting gem about a talking parrot that helps out down-on-their-luck humans.

A few new categories are also in order, it seems. For instance, we definitely need a best bad guy (how about Hopper, the bully grasshopper in “A Bug’s Life”?). Best hero, of course (Flik, the courageous, if undersized, ant in “A Bug’s Life”). Best supporting character that’s not a bug (Frances McDormand as Miss Clavel, the nun in “Madeline”). Best theme song that’ll rattle around in your head for a month (“Be a Man,” from “Mulan”). Best gag would be good, too, though there’d be too many to name.

Come to think of it, I wonder if it isn’t time for a separate televised Oscar night for the movies that actual parents with actual kids see. Of course, it would have to be held before bedtime.