LAUGH LINES

The Lap of Luxury: “NewScientist magazine reported . . . that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. . . . That’s encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about $9. . . . I have an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.” (Jimmy Fallon)

State of Confusion: “I think I figured out where the whole voting thing went wrong in Florida. . . . It was back in 1845, when we voted to let them into the Union.” (Jay Leno)

Off Track: “Amtrak’s new high-speed Acela Express train started service recently. . . . To give you an idea how fast this train is: On the average, the older, slower trains would take an entire hour longer than the new trains to get you to the site of your derailment.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Setting the Wheel in Motion: “It was back on Dec. 20, 1892, when the pneumatic tire was invented. . . . The pneumatic tire was a remarkable creation that also served as a prototype for . . . the first holiday fruitcake.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Recovery Mode: “Former President George Bush had his left hip replaced [recently]. . . . The surgery was needed to relieve all the pain from the weeks of kicking his son Jeb. . . . “ (Fallon)

Problems Adding Up: “High school math scores are lower. In fact, a survey reveals that 25% of seniors performed math at an eighth-grade level. And even worse, 15% can only perform at the math level of a Florida resident.” (Kaseberg)

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