For a While, the Game Was in Phil Beck’s Court

Anyone who watches football knows you need total concentration, so I told my wife Monday night it would be a good time for her to go out and buy my Christmas present.

Take your time, I thought: The game might go into overtime, while suggesting, the malls stay open real late at this holiday time of year.

Before you write me off as a clod--I told her I’d miss her.

Now there’s nothing more delicate than trying to make eye contact with your wife and act like you’re listening, while Melissa Stark is on TV demanding your attention. They wouldn’t have a football expert like Stark on the sideline if she didn’t have some insight to share.

I didn’t want to miss any part of this one--the explosive St. Louis Rams matched against the stingy Tampa Bay Buccaneers with the playoffs on the line. I caught myself even listening to what Eric Dickerson had to say, and I think I understood him.

Then it was fourth and inches for the Rams, second quarter, and Coach Mike Martz ordered his team to go for it. This was exciting, just plain good stuff and then Dennis Miller says of Martz, “This guy’s a killer--like Phil Beck.”

With a pause, Al Michaels chimed in: “I like that analogy.”

Well, I couldn’t tell you what happened in the game for the next hour, maybe more. I know Mike Martz, know Mike Martz very well, and I had no clue who Phil Beck was--Dennis and Al did--which made me feel pretty stupid on a night when I just wanted to be entertained.

Imagine what it would have been like if my wife had been home: “Honey, who is Phil Beck?”

I called the office, because depending who is on the work schedule, sometimes we have smart people working. Unfortunately, Roy informed me, they all had the night off, which left me only with Yahoo.com.

Based on my research, there’s a Phil Beck, who is vice president of foodservice.com, a Phil Beck who is a tomato genetics researcher, another who is an insolvency practitioner and a Phil Beck who is on the European golf tour.

Not a killer in the group as far as I could tell.

Checking further, I discovered someone named Locke Peterseim, working for Britannica.com and providing a weekly explanation/translation of what Miller says on Monday night. I called up Peterseim’s site and learned I would have to wait until today to understand Miller’s commentary.

*

IF YOU WATCHED the game, I got back to it about the time Miller said 90% of all tropical fish are raised in Tampa, Fla. Michaels, like most people, acted as if he hadn’t been listening to what Miller said, and asked what percent?

I would have returned sooner, but because it’s my job to remain on top of the news, I called up Playboy.com to see how Stark was faring in the magazine’s poll of female broadcasters. As you know, I think these polls are ridiculous, really ridiculous, but for the record, she was winning.

I made a note to myself (in invisible ink) to tell my wife when she got home.

Then the track meet really got cranked up, each team giving the ball to No. 28, and I didn’t want the game to end, because it just might put a wrap on the loser’s season, and how bad would that be knowing this might be as good as it gets in the NFL the rest of the way.

I mean we’re on the verge of getting the Giants as the NFC’s No. 1-seeded team, and think about the boring Giants for a moment, and what could they possibly offer in a prime-time entertainment clash?

This should have been the NFC title contest, a game to be remembered. Now it’s a longshot at best to be repeated, but if it does, the NFC championship game will be played on Jan. 14, and will be televised by Fox.

Dennis Miller, meanwhile, will be off somewhere with Phil Beck.

*

IF IT’S ANY consolation to Raider fans, I’m pretty sure that call for a safety is part of an NFL conspiracy to keep the team from making it to the Super Bowl. But you already thought of that.

*

APPARENTLY A 22-YEAR-OLD student and UCLA fan won the right to be known as “America’s Loudest College Football Fan” in a contest. Jesselyn Desmond outshouted 12 others at the College Football Hall of Fame in South Bend, Ind., with her voice registering 111 decibels.

So how come Bob Toledo never heard her yelling, “Defense, defense?”

*

A SPOKESMAN FOR the Playboy Mansion said the University of Washington football team will be Hugh Hefner’s guest Thursday after the Huskies’ Rose Bowl practice. The spokesman said that Purdue expressed no interest in visiting the mansion, and in his words: “That will leave more Playmates for the Huskies.”

Page 2 note: I’ll be there too, to make sure there are no problems.

*

DO NOT LOOK for Kansas City tight end Tony Gonzalez to make any courtroom appearances as a character witness in Bill Romanowski’s trial for allegedly obtaining illegal prescription drugs.

After the Denver linebacker drove Gonzalez out of bounds Sunday, Gonzalez accused Romanowski of going after his knees.

Romanowski’s replay: “Too bad.”

*

I THINK WE have the first known case of a team not being able to find any alternative to its coach. I can’t think of any other reason why the Cardinals would reward Coach Dave McGinnis--1-7 since replacing Vince Tobin--with a four-year contract extension.

*

THE NAVY AND your tax money paid half of the expenses absorbed by Fox in placing its NFL pregame show on the USS Harry S. Truman, an aircraft carrier taxpayers paid $4.5 billion to build.

With all that public money available, I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL didn’t look into the possibility of laying down grass on the deck of the Truman and awarding an expansion franchise to the Navy. Instead of luxury boxes, high rollers could be lured to the game with the promise to fly in a fighter jet.

*

TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Gary:

“You have called USC everything, but fascists.”

Sorry for the oversight.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com