Looking for Super Story? NFL Needs a Quick Fix

As the evidence mounts, I’m pretty sure the Super Bowl is fixed.

I know these people--they are capable of anything.

We already know the league’s 32 owners share revenues, and it is in their best interests to make sure every member of their club does well.

But must they make it so obvious?

I’m guessing they have been emboldened by last year’s success, a schmaltzy rewritten “Touched by an Angel” script that had a grocery store bagger leading a former chorus girl’s football team to a Super Bowl victory, the game decided on the last play--the opposition stopped just shy of the end zone.

I’m telling you, that’s why they close practices the week of the Super Bowl. I’m convinced the Rams and Titans rehearsed the end to last year’s Super Bowl down to the very last yard.

A 6-0 start this season for the Rams might have added some legitimacy to their performance a year earlier and put an end to such conspiracy theories, but now we’re supposed to believe that as soon as the grocery store bagger hurt his pinky finger the greatest football team ever assembled could go only 3-6 the rest of the way and maybe not make the playoffs.

The fact is, the grocery store bagger was getting too much publicity, and remember this is a club with 32 owners who share everything.

That’s like one of the stars on a soap opera, who makes ridiculous contract demands, suddenly finding himself dying and written out of the show.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that as soon as the NFL learned that Vince McMahon was going to put together a pro wrestling-like football league, the NFL went to scripted games.

There is no other way to explain how the Eagles and Saints could win enough games to be in the playoffs. Neither team has a running back, but then apparently the script didn’t call for one.

There is no other way to explain how Trent Dilfer could rise to the heights he has without the opposition playing dead.

There is no other way to explain the Raiders’ success--after all, they are still managed by Al Davis. But you can see the NFL has bought into this pro wrestling thing--that’s why the league had officials make that crazy safety ruling last week. The bad guys must be punished--the crowd demands it.

The NFL has been pulling your leg for some time now, using the Super Bowl to deliver the best story rather than the best team. It’s all preordained.

Two years ago it was John Elway’s farewell wave over his archenemy Dan Reeves, like that was just a coincidence they met in the last game.

It’s all done by formula now. Take last year’s AFC Championship game. As soon as Buffalo switched from Doug Flutie to Rob Johnson, there was nothing compelling about the Bills. They had to be written out of the big game.

To make the Titans more attractive, the NFL came up with the “Music City Miracle,” a play so outlandish--a lateral off a kickoff to allow Tennessee to win--it would have been deemed too farfetched for a movie.

Tennessee, of course, wasn’t allowed to win the Super Bowl, because the stage belonged to the warm and fuzzy grocery store bagger, his adoring wife and their Americana feel-good story. I’m surprised they didn’t have “Up With People” perform at halftime of last year’s Super Bowl.

I don’t know if the final scripts have been passed out for this year’s postseason play, but the league will want the media to have a week’s worth of hype to keep your attention and justify game-day advertising rates.

That’s why the Giants have me worried. There’s no way the Giants make it to the Super Bowl based on talent or quality of play, but they could become the NFC’s No. 1 seed after this weekend. They hail from New York, are driven by a coach who guaranteed a trip to the playoffs and have a quarterback who has had to deal with alcohol problems. We’re talking made-for-TV movie here.

If you know your football, the only way the Giants could make it to the Super Bowl would be if someone arranged for dog teams like Philadelphia, Detroit, New Orleans, Tampa Bay and Minnesota to be in the playoffs.

Well, what do you know?

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THE UNIVERSITY OF Washington football team has been in town less than 36 hours and has already been to Magic Mountain and the Playboy Mansion, prompting concern that after the Rose Bowl some of the Huskies might seek asylum in L.A.

“If UCLA and USC could use this (the mansion) to recruit, man, they’d get all the players,” cornerback Omare Lowe said.

I’m sure sooner or later the Huskies will get around to visiting the California Science Center.

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ASSISTANT COACH Randy Hart played in the 1969 Rose Bowl for Ohio State Coach Woody Hayes, but a trip to visit Hugh Hefner would have been a “no go,” said Hart. “Anything beyond practice and church would have been unacceptable.”

Hart’s son, John, a fullback for the Huskies, said he got a kick out of watching his dad at the Playboy Mansion.

“He doesn’t know it, but I used to sneak in and look at the Playboys he had under his desk,” said John.

This morning he knows.

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IT’S ALL BEGINNING to make sense now. In an interview with ESPN’s Dan Patrick, Alex Rodriguez, who signed for $252 million to play for the Rangers, said, “I’m secure for the rest of my life and then some.”

Apparently agent Scott Boras included a provision in his contract that Rodriguez could take it with him.

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A YEAR AGO the Rams’ defense gave up 242 points. This season--with 10 of 11 starters returning--the Rams are on pace to allow twice as many points.

The Rams obviously had no idea strong safety Billy Jenkins was worth 242 points when they traded him to Denver.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes from Tommy Lasorda’s answering machine:

“Remember, if you don’t pull for the Dodgers, there’s a good chance you may not get in heaven.”

I believe it’s time to rethink my approach to the Dodgers.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.