Thoughts in Solitude

Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that when there’s a victory parade for the Lakers, the best spots by the curb will go for $1,000 apiece.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that there must be at least one American spy who hasn’t sold secrets to the Russians.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the next comedian who does a joke about Boris Yeltsin’s drinking should get tapped on the head 500 times with a plastic vodka bottle.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that there should be a million-woman march on Washington, demanding that both George W. Bush and Al Gore choose a woman for a running mate, or else they’ll girlcott the election.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that if you see one more Marilyn Monroe or James Dean souvenir, biography, picture or postcard, you should stand on the corner of Hollywood and Vine and scream, “Get a life!”

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that most of the liquor in liquor stores has been sitting there since around 1993.

*

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that any airline responsible for making passengers wait on a runway for hours should be obligated to produce its chairman of the board, then permit the passengers to pelt him with bags of almonds.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the next time a driver pulls up next to you at a stoplight with a stereo playing full blast, you should lean on your horn until the light turns green.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that women are the only ones who care what color someone’s eyes are.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the most evil people on Earth are the ones who put price stickers on merchandise, especially the stickers you can’t scrape off with a fingernail, a knife, a saw or a blowtorch.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that there hasn’t been a really good movie released since around 1993.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that every book John Grisham turns out gets just a little bit worse.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that you shouldn’t let somebody you love walk in Central Park day or night, no matter how many police New York finally gets around to putting there.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that if NBC plays that NBA theme song one more time, you should all do what Elvis Presley once did--take out a gun and shoot out the screen of your TV set.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that nobody can name anybody besides John Glenn who ever rode on a space shuttle.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the sexiest of the actresses on that “Sex and the City” TV show is the redhead.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that there is no post office in California with a line that has fewer than 15 people in it.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that nobody except the people who play Davis Cup tennis can tell you which people ever won anything in Davis Cup tennis.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that Andy Warhol is the most overrated artist in the history of art, not counting children with crayons.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that there must be an Oldsmobile somewhere in Southern California.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the title of Sue Grafton’s 27th novel will have to have the word “Aardvark” in it.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the Dodgers’ TV ads featuring that guy who annoys people in restaurants and elevators make people want to cheer for the Dodger opponent.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that the next person who uses the phrase “sell like hot cakes” really ought to find a new phrase.

*

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that sandwiches taste better on white bread.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that Spike Lee must not own a single article of clothing that can’t be purchased at Foot Locker.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that nobody in all of California can name two cities in Delaware.

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that nobody watches the TV program “Meet the Press,” including people who have been on the TV program “Meet the Press.”

* Sometimes I think that I’m the only one who thinks that North Korea and South Korea should become our 51st and 52nd states, joining the Carolinas and the Dakotas.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com