Despite Cruz, ‘Woman on Top’ Misses a Crucial Ingredient

“Woman on Top” is tedious as only a film with a truly beautiful star can be. If Penelope Cruz were any less attractive, maybe someone would have noticed how dull this mild, would-be romantic fairy tale has turned out. Then again, without someone like Cruz, this lightweight production would never have been made.

A top Spanish performer--and a much better actress than you’d ever imagine from what’s on view here--Cruz is cast as a Brazilian charmer with “a gift for melting the palates and the hearts of men.” That bit of fakery is fine because everything else about this production is ersatz, from its sanitized San Francisco to a blanded-out, white-bread version of Brazilian culture that is about as authentic as Taco Bell.

Director Fina Torres (whose last work was the much more imaginative and involving “Celestial Clockwork”) has settled here for a picture postcard kind of film, a giant infomercial for Brazil and its exotic charms. But beautiful people, colorful photography (by Luc Besson veteran Thierry Arbogast) and a cheerful soundtrack do not necessarily add up to a satisfying experience.

The only actual Brazilian (aside from co-star Murilo Benicio) among “Woman on Top’s” top personnel is screenwriter Vera Blasi. Though this is her first script, it feels awfully familiar, a harmless throwback to those naughty art-house items that were staples of American foreign film watching in the 1950s and ‘60s.

Cruz plays Isabella Oliveira, a woman from Bahia in northeastern Brazil. Even as a child she was so beautiful that the gods gave her a flaw: a terrible case of motion sickness. Isabella can control her nausea only if she’s in charge of the motion: She has to drive the car, lead on the dance floor and, yes, be on top when she makes love.

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Isabella does have a true love, her husband Toninho (Benicio). Together they run a super-popular restaurant (in addition to everything else, Isabella is a world-class chef), but he keeps her hidden away in the kitchen while he takes all the credit and flirts with the customers. Finally, tired of never being on top, he does more than flirt with one attractive woman and a scandalized Isabella flees Bahia for San Francisco.

Why San Francisco? Because it’s the current home of Monica (Harold Perrineau Jr., memorable in the Leonardo DiCaprio-starring “Romeo + Juliet”). Monica is alternately described in the press notes as “a high-spirited transvestite” and an “exuberant, cross-dressing childhood friend,” but is really the latest incarnation of the increasingly cliched, shoulder-to-cry-on gay best friend fewer and fewer heroines seem able to face life without.

Determined to break free of her husband, Isabella calls on Iemanja, the goddess of the sea, to help her fall out of love. Suddenly liberated, Isabella finds her cooking get so irresistible that guys follow her around San Francisco like they were auditioning as extras for “Night of the Living Dead.”

Among the ambulatory zombies is go-getting local TV producer Cliff Lloyd (Mark Feuerstein), who contrives to put Isabella on TV with her very own cooking show. With her tag line of “the most important ingredient is ‘share it with someone you love,’ ” she becomes the stuff of local legend. “That much butter would kill a guy,” one intoxicated viewer says, while his pal adds “that much woman would kill a guy.” Yes, it’s that kind of movie.

Husband Toninho falls to cursing the very same goddess Isabella is praying to. Not a wise idea. Nothing if not chastened, he too heads off to San Francisco to try to get his wife back, bringing with him, besides the two-day growth of beard that is standard issue for hunks in films like this, a three-piece Brazilian band whose smooth music is one of “Woman on Top’s” few unalloyed pleasures.

More than Toninho, this entire film is in love with Isabella, and with Cruz. It’s an old-fashioned star vehicle, the kind that might have featured Brazilian actress Sonia Braga in years gone by, and it’s frustrating to see it squandering Cruz’s sensuality and her acting ability (more visible in the English-language “The Hi-Lo Country” and the Spanish “All About My Mother,” “Belle Epoque” and “Open Your Eyes”).

Finally, “Woman on Top” can’t overcome a story that’s little more than a lumpy, uninspired contrivance. Caring about whether this couple ends up together is like caring whether the people pictured on glossy travel brochures are actually enjoying their vacations. Why bother?

* MPAA rating: R, for some strong sexuality and language. Times guidelines: more sensual in theory than in practice.

‘Woman on Top’

Penelope Cruz: Isabella Oliveira

Murilo Benicio: Toninho Oliveira

Harold Perrineau Jr.: Monica Jones

Mark Feuerstein: Cliff Lloyd

John De Lancie: Alex Reeves

An Alan Poul production, Fox Searchlight Pictures. Director Fina Torres. Producer Alan Poul. Executive producers Bronwen Hughes, Fina Torres. Screenplay Vera Blasi. Cinematographer Thierry Arbogast. Editor Leslie Jones. Costumes Elisabeth Tavernier. Music Luis Bacalov. Production design Philippe Chriffre. Art directors Alexandre Meyer, Tracey Gallacher. Set decorator Craig T. Copher. Running time: 1 hour, 33 minutes.

In wide release.