Like a Real Dodger Fan, It’s Time to Leave Early

Dodger Manager Jim Tracy called a 5:50 p.m. players meeting before Tuesday’s game, presumably to inform the guys I was jumping off the bandwagon.

As a courtesy, I pulled Gary Sheffield aside 90 minutes earlier to personally tell him I was off, and I thought he took it well.

In fact, he didn’t seem surprised. “I was pretty sure you would if things didn’t go well,” he said with a smile, and I’m not really sure how he came to that conclusion.

TWO WEEKS ago I couldn’t have been any more true blue. The Dodgers were in first place, just as I had predicted, and I found myself rooting repeatedly for Chad Kreuter to get a hit--even though I knew it was hopeless.

That’s right, I was a real Dodger fan, and at that moment I would have believed anything Tom Lasorda said. I was even more Dodger Boy than you know who, doffing my Dodger baseball cap in his direction when we ran into each other on a Palm Desert golf course.

I tried, I really did, but frankly, I don’t know how you people do it. After I made my commitment to the Dodgers, they turned away from me, losing nine of their next 13 games. Had my wife turned her back on me like that in the beginning--would we still be married? OK, so we are, and maybe that’s not a good example, but if “Mr. 6-4-3”, you know, Eric Karros, isn’t going to run it out, why should I?

The way things have been going recently, I’d rather watch reruns of “The Rockford Files” than suffer through another Dodger game. Three losses in a row to the Phillies, and now all those yahoos from Philadelphia are E-mailing to say this makes up for the Lakers beating the 76ers.

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BELIEVE me, this change of heart has nothing to do with Kevin Brown, who waited until I walked past him and out of earshot Tuesday before coming up with the gumption to tell others, “Apparently the pest control people haven’t been doing their job. Terminix!”

In the past he has dropped his pants and slapped his fanny after a woman reporter has walked by, and so what if he’s 36 going on 14, he’s not contributing anything these days.

No, this has more to do with the Dodgers falling flat with everything on the line, and fighting back with Marquis Grissom or Tom Goodwin.

“You never know what will happen,” Sheffield said, like everyone doesn’t already know Grissom and Goodwin are going to strike out.

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DO YOU believe in miracles? I do now. The Expo pitcher has aimed the ball at Kreuter’s bat and hit it--a remarkable feat--the ball landing all the way over the center-field fence for a home run. We’re up, 1-0.

I knew he could do it.

Chan Ho Park is pitching a no-hitter, and I can see what the guys are doing. They’ve had their meeting with Tracy, he’s told them I’m out of here if they keep stinking it up, and now they’re trying to win one for the Page Two columnist in a blatant effort to keep me around.

There’s no other way to explain two hits from Alex Cora in the same game.

“We’d rather have you jumping on the bandwagon than jumping off,” Sheffield admitted, “because that would mean we’re doing well.”

I appreciate the fact the Dodgers want my support, but I’m going to have to give this some more thought. The Expos just scored four in the ninth and gosh, you know, I’ve seen enough.

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PHIL MICKELSON, who picked the Ravens a year ago to win the Super Bowl, went on the Dan Patrick radio show recently to say he thinks Tampa Bay is overrated, pointing out that quarterback Brad Johnson’s stats are not any different from Shaun King’s.

“If they throw on offense,” Mickelson said, “They lose.”

He also pointed out that Keyshawn Johnson lacks big-play speed, and made a point of saying, “He’s not a Randy Moss.”

Can’t wait to hear what Keyshawn thinks Phil’s chances are of winning a major title sometime in his lifetime.

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AUTHORITIES CLAIM Cleveland defender Corey Fuller offered a police officer $5,000 not to arrest him on two misdemeanor traffic charges. Like most football players who have contracts full of incentives, he probably thought everyone else is supposed to be paid the same way.

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ADD UP the signing bonuses of Ryan Leaf, Cade McNown and Tony Banks and before they ever threw a pass in the NFL, they were richer than most hard-working people could imagine. And yet they’re all bums, rich bums, but bums.

Right now the grocery store bagger doesn’t look so bad.

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THE NFL continues to negotiate a new contract with referees, although it appears one of the sticking points is the league’s demand that once an official turns 90, he should no longer be allowed to work. That would force half the present work force to retire.

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A PAIR of Philadelphia Eagles’ cheerleaders filed a lawsuit after learning visiting teams had drilled holes in the wall of their locker room to see into the cheerleaders’ dressing room. After the Baltimore Ravens arrived at Veterans Stadium and realized the holes had been fixed, the game was canceled.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Gregory:

“Is Plaschke still waiting in line for a hot dog at Dodger Stadium? Why didn’t he just go to the press room?”

You should see the lines there.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.