Operation Looks Good With Word’s-Eye View

I’m guessing Chick Hearn asked if he could do the commentary on his heart surgery and recovery as they were wheeling him in Wednesday.

No sir, nothing wrong with the doctor throwing up a prayer and hearing Chick shout, “And it’s answered.”

But pity the poor surgical team as it began its work, Chick muttering something about a popcorn machine, fretting as the instruments were passed back and forth: “He can’t throw a pie in an oven,” mistaking the anesthesiologist for the cardiac surgeon and everyone in the room waiting for the next Chick-ism, while knowing their only job was to put the baby to bed.

Knowing how valuable Chick is to the people of L.A., however, I’m confident the hospital went to its bread and butter man, who also delivers ice, and had him in and out--”heart-brrreak,” taking on a new meaning here, but a “slaaaaam dunk” when it was all said and done.

Knowing Chick, of course, the commentary would be brutal if necessary, describing his own first steps down the hospital hallway after surgery: “He’s so slow now, I saw him on the escalator yesterday and a step passed him.”

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THE GOAL here this morning is to stretch those stitches and get a chuckle out of the Chickster and let him know how much he has become a part of our lives, you know, get him shaking so much someone suggests it looks like the jello’s jiggling and he faked the flop-eroo, maybe even forcing him to give us a little bunny hop in the pea patch so we know he’s on his way to broadcasting another 3,338 Laker games without interruption.

I know for a fact the grocery store bagger makes him laugh--because he’s not going to be the lug’s future father-in-law and it’s nervous time for only me.

But every time I see Chick he wants to know how the grocery store bagger is doing, and I guess I could say today--for the first time ever--he’s doing better than Chick. I would imagine the bagger is flat on his back too, but at some point today I suspect he’ll get up and get caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

But by Friday, I assume, Chick will be yo-yoing again and well on his way to recovering from this ticky-tack procedure, leaving the grocery store bagger nailed to the floor once again. Let’s just say the bagger hasn’t put in a full day’s work since Hector was a pup.

The last time we spoke, Chick was saying it really is better to give than to receive, and taking that message to heart I spared no expense this Christmas in buying the bagger one of those Omaha steaks everybody always talks about and the one-way ticket to go enjoy it. He’s not Phi Beta Kappa, so he might go.

Every time I made a crack like that to Chick about the bagger, he’d put his hand on my forearm and say, “You really like the kid, don’t you?” And I’d accuse Chick of too much squeezin’ the grape, and he’d squeeze my forearm again, and I would just like to take this opportunity to say that even though you are 85, Chick, that really hurts.

Now they tell me the Lakers are going to go ahead and play tonight without Chick sitting behind the microphone, and I’m concerned about listening to the radio that I won’t know which way the Lakers will be going on the 94-by-50 hunk of wood, or who’s building a house--you know, throwing up bricks--and whether the 24-second clock has been put to beddie-bye.

In fact, I can’t imagine listening to a Laker game without hearing that voice.

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DENNIS COOK, 2-0 in postseason appearances while not giving up a run in 161/3 innings, signed with the Angels--presumably to keep his postseason record perfect because the team won’t be involved in postseason play.

I WAS reading a story about how some people fear ice dancing won’t survive as an Olympic event beyond the Salt Lake City Games. I fear they may be wrong.

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TOUGH TO top the story in New Orleans that has wide receiver Albert Connell, who signed a $14-million contract last year, allegedly stealing money from the pants pocket of teammate Deuce McAllister. You would think with all the money McAllister is making, he never would have noticed.

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THE DECISION by Barry Bonds to remain with the Giants is understandable. The Giants play the Dodgers 19 times a season.

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I WONDER what goes through the mind of USC basketball Coach Henry Bibby when he watches Ebenezer Scrooge coming down hard on Tiny Tim.

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MOST NFL teams like to keep their opponent guessing, but the New England Patriots have made it clear they’re going to throw everything they have at the Miami Dolphins on Saturday, announcing they have no intention of stopping sales of beer in plastic bottles.

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THE FOLKS in Omaha announced that fans will be charged for parking for the first time at this year’s College World Series, $10 for cars and tractors.

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DODGER OUTFIELDER Gary Sheffield appeared by satellite as a guest on Fox’s gabfest with Tom Arnold and his fellow buffoons, but refused to sit down for an interview with the Southern California Sports Report’s Todd Donoho.

Pete Carroll, Dan Evans and Mike Garrett are just some of the 20 to 25 people who have turned down invitations to appear on “The SIMERS Show,” and all this time I thought it was me--and now I find it’s because Donoho is host of “The SIMERS Show.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Joanee Yurcho:

“Please tell me you have more Nebraska e-mails.”

Hick yes.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.