SUPER BOWL REPORT

FIRST QUARTER

Impact player: Brandon Stokley, who was kind enough to provide the quarter with its only exciting moment by hauling in Trent Dilfer’s slightly overthrown ball for a 38-yard touchdown. You probably could list the punters as impact players, but they’re punters, so who cares?

Did you notice? Jason Sehorn has no skills whatsoever. He got burned on three plays, including Stokley’s touchdown. Oh, and it was a real classy touch when he got up and looked at his teammates as if they blew the coverage on that one. Later in the quarter, he “slipped” on coverage, but luckily Trent Dilfer didn’t come within a half-mile of the receiver.

Highlight reel: The Backstreet Boys sang the national anthem. And if you listened closely, as soon as they were done, you could hear kids all across America asking “Mom, what else is on TV?”

Missed opportunity: The Giants missed a real opportunity by failing to bring a quarterback who could complete a pass or who wasn’t afraid to run more than five yards before sliding. As soon as Kerry Collins saw someone within 10 yards of him, he hit the dirt. When does the XFL start?

Best number: It took 5 minutes 21 seconds for a first down to be made. There were nine punts in the quarter. After the quarter ended, Kyle Richardson and Brad Maynard called their respective team owners and demanded an immediate raise or they would sit out the second quarter.

Worst number: The quarterbacks were five for 18 for 59 yards. Remember all that talk about whether these were the two worst quarterbacks to start a Super Bowl? We have an answer.

SECOND QUARTER

Impact player: The referees, who were somewhat unfamiliar with the holding penalty. Jessie Armstead intercepted an ill-advised pass by Dilfer and returned it for a touchdown, but the officials called a holding penalty on Keith Hamilton. See guys, the guy who is being held is not the one you should call the penalty on.

Did you notice? Judging by the noise, about three-fourths of the crowd didn’t stay for the game. They all went to the concession stands to get some food and drink so they could get back in time for the halftime show. You’d think if you paid more than $300 a ticket, that you’d make a little noise. They must have all been from Southern California.

Highlight reel: Finally, the Giants made their move. With time running out in the half they were driving downfield, thanks mostly to Tiki Barber, who broke off a 27-yard run to the Raven 29. Then Raven safety Anthony Mitchell made a great leaping grab for an interception, the best play of the game so far. Collins finished the half eight for 21 for 75 yards, with two interceptions.

Missed opportunity: Dilfer and Collins had chances to make some long passes, but couldn’t find their targets. Overthrows, underthrows, out-of-bounds throws, tipped passes, knocked-down passes. It was a pathetic display.

Best number: It took 19:49 for the Giants to cross midfield into Raven territory. Twenty seconds later, Collins was sacked by Keith Washington, putting the Giants back into their own territory.

Worst number: 1,032,065. That’s the number of commercials for “Survivor II” that CBS ran before halftime. You see, the first “Survivor” was a pretty big hit, and CBS was afraid no one knew that the sequel’s debut was after the game.

THIRD QUARTER

Impact player: Jermaine Lewis of the Ravens. Ron Dixon of the Giants had just returned a kickoff for a touchdown, getting the Giants back in the game, when Lewis took the ensuing kickoff all the way back for a touchdown. It brought some excitement to a lackluster game. But, just when it looked as if the game was picking up, Collins went back on the field to prove he is the worst quarterback in Super Bowl history.

Did you notice? During the halftime show, Britney Spears held a microphone, but often forgot to hold it near her mouth when she was “singing.” Why bother bringing one out?

Highlight reel: With only 4:11 remaining in the third quarter, a momentous occasion. Richardson marched onto the field for the Ravens and lofted a 48-yard punt that Barber returned nine yards. It was the 16th punt of the game and set the record for most punts in a Super Bowl. No reason was given as to why they didn’t stop the game and present the game ball to Richardson and Maynard.

Missed opportunity: During Lewis’ kickoff return, the officials, who apparently missed their last appointment at LensCrafters, didn’t call an obvious block in the back. Baltimore’s Corey Harris shoved one of the Giants in the back, preventing him from making a touchdown-saving tackle. The officials, of course, missed it.

Best number: After combining for 10 points in the first half, the Ravens and Giants scored 21 points in a span of 36 seconds.

Worst number: Collins’ numbers through three quarters: 11 for 29 for 90 yards, with four interceptions. What does it take for Jim Fassel to put Jason Garrett in the game?

FOURTH QUARTER

Impact player: Mentalist The Amazing Kreskin. His book on mental exercises you can use to stay alert during long meetings, dull speeches or other boring events came in handy during this game.

Did you notice? As the game went further into garbage time, the promos for upcoming CBS shows came a mile a minute. Where’s Dennis Miller when you need him?

Highlight reel: When did throwing the ball into the end zone become a touchdown? Jamal Lewis ran around left end and tossed the ball over the goal line. It was called a touchdown. Sure, the referees reviewed it, but these are the same referees who blew every other call in the game. That must be a new rule for the Super Bowl. So remember Pee Wee League players, if you’re close to scoring, just throw that ball. XFL owner Vince McMahon must have really enjoyed this rule. Note to XFL running backs: You’ll have to actually get your body in the end zone for a touchdown in that league.

Missed opportunity: On the Ravens’ next drive, the Giants pulled down Jamal Lewis at the 30. Lewis meekly went down, instead of throwing the ball 30 yards into the end zone for a touchdown.

Best number: 6:48 PST. That’s when the game mercifully ended.

Worst number: Collins’ final numbers: 15 for 39 for 114 yards, with four interceptions. Perhaps the point hasn’t been made clearly before. Kerry Collins is the worst quarterback in Super Bowl history. Of all the other quarterbacks, he’s the worst. No one else was as bad as Kerry Collins. To sum up, he played poorly.