N.Y.’s Bid for the Oscars Deserves Bronx Cheer

So New York wants to steal the Oscars from L.A.

All I have to say is:

You tawkin’ to us?

Gov. George Pataki and Mayor Michael Bloomberg are in on the heist, along with Miramax carpetbagger Harvey Weinstein. They’d like to hijack the whole show, but out of the goodness of their hearts, they might be willing to settle for just a segment of it.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences claimed there’s been no discussion, although it did not rule out the possibility of broadcasting part of next year’s show from New York.

I don’t like the sound of this. That city never wants just a little bit of anything, and this isn’t the first time New Yorkers have made a move on the Oscars. Back in the early 1990s, when L.A. was down and out, New York thugs plotted a mugging.

“This was around the time of the riots, and there was talk that if it’s not safe in L.A., maybe the show should move to New York,” says Cody Cluff, L.A.’s former film czar.

Cluff, who heads the Entertainment Industry Development Corp. in Los Angeles, notes that New York has repeatedly tried to pass itself off as the new Hollywood, claiming the hottest film action is back East. It’s preposterous, Cluff says. L.A. remains the unrivaled film capital of the world.

This tells you something about the mentality of New Yorkers. They routinely trash L.A. and everything it stands for, but they secretly aspire to flip-flops and cool ocean breezes. They’d beat us over the head in a New York minute to host the Academy Awards.

What’s worse, the conspirators are exploiting the tragedy of Sept. 11 to justify the swindle. New York needs the Oscars, they say, to advance the city’s recovery.

I used to live in New York, and I don’t know many people there who are going to say, “You know, I lost a relative and two buddies in the World Trade Center, but I just saw Julia Roberts walk the red carpet, and I feel better already.”

And unless the stars donate their jewels, Oscar night is barely going to generate enough money to mow the grass in Central Park.

Under different circumstances, I’d tell New York to go ahead and help itself to the Oscars. Usually the show is an over-hyped schlock fest, so painful to watch it reminds you of a lot of the dreck on Broadway.

But on principle, L.A. shouldn’t budge an inch.

“What’s annoying is this whole New York-as-victim thing,” says Cluff.

“They aren’t the only ones who suffered from Sept. 11. The tourist industry has suffered here in L.A., as it has around the world. We’re supposed to compete against orphans and widows? I’ve got people who can’t make a living, or cover their house and car payments, because the tourism industry was devastated by Sept. 11. And now New York is trying to drive another nail into our coffin.”

If Cluff sounds like he’s overreacting, maybe you didn’t hear about Mayor Bloomberg’s press conference Friday.

He didn’t say he wanted a little piece of the Academy Awards. He said he’s going after the Oscars and every other major event he can get his grubby hands on.

“Well, the Academy Awards we hope to get here,” he said. “We’re trying to get both [political] conventions, we’re trying to get the Olympics, we’re trying to get a Super Bowl, we’d like to get the Oscars.”

What, and let Indianapolis keep the Indy 500?

“This is the place for big events,” Bloomberg bragged. “This is a showcase place, and I think we can make a good case here.”

You know what’s going on here?

I’ll tell you what’s going on.

These New York punks look west to L.A., and who do they see standing in their way?

Mayor Slim Jim Hahn.

Of course they’re trying to swipe his candy. A year into the job, Slim Jim’s still using training wheels.

I called the mayor’s office Friday to see what he was going to do, and he never rang me back.

When I called again, press secretary Julie Wong assured me Hahn was quite firm in telling her he’d be up for sharing a piece of next year’s broadcast with New York, “but Los Angeles will always be the home of the Academy Awards.”

That’s not the reaction I’m looking for.

When New York heavies threaten to leave us with nothing but a few palm trees, you meet them in the alley.

Maybe I can help.

Stand in front of the mirror, Jim, narrow your eyes, and repeat after me:

“You talkin’ to me? Yeah, I mean you, tough guy. You want a piece of Slim Jim?”

(Now repeat.)

You’ve got to stand your ground. And like Bloomberg, you’ve got to think of your city as a showcase for big events.

We shouldn’t have to suffer through another embarrassment like the millennium celebration, when local leaders didn’t know what to do or where to do it.

Speaking of Oscar-winning performances, I asked Wong how Hahn plans to commemorate Sept. 11, and I think you’ll find her answer remarkable.

It’s still being worked out, she said, but the heart and soul of the memorial event is going to be “a procession of a few emergency vehicles” across the city.

But that’s not all.

There’s also going to be a “mobile collage,” made up of poems and artwork done by Angelenos on 8 1/2-by-11-inch paper.

Are you still with me, L.A., or is the excitement too much?

These offerings, she said, will be mounted “on chicken wire and placed on the back of a flatbed truck.”

The world changed forever on Sept. 11, and you’re telling me L.A. will remember with a chicken-wire collage on a flatbed truck?

“Yes. Chicken wire.”

We don’t have a fighting chance.

I say we give New York the Oscars, and beg them not to hurt us.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at steve.lopez@latimes.com