Win Is Much Ado About Nothing

Is it physically possible for an NFL team to lose a game during its open date?

The theory is worth testing, so maybe the Cincinnati Bengals or the Detroit Lions can get a government grant for further research next year. But until then, scientists, mathematicians, statisticians and philosophers will have to make do with the incredible raw data provided by Sunday’s Houston-Pittsburgh box score.

On Sept. 22, the Sunday of their open date, the day they played no one, the Pittsburgh Steelers gave up 0.0 yards per passing play, 0.0 yards per rushing play and 0 first downs.

On Dec. 8, with the expansion Houston Texans somehow allegedly involved, the Steelers gave up 0.7 yards per passing play, 1.4 yards per rushing play and three first downs.

And lost, 24-6.

Forget the two-kicks-to-make-one overtime victory over Cleveland and Tommy Maddox’s franchise-record 473 passing yards in the 34-34 tie with Atlanta. Sunday’s scrimmage at Heinz Field, where the home team took on the blocking sled and lost, qualifies hands down as the Steelers’ weirdest game of their 2002 season, if not their history.

To paraphrase the late Al McGuire, Houston quarterback David Carr passed for 10 more net yards than a dead man ... and still beat the Steelers by 18 points.

Carr and his teammates managed 47 more yards than “IDLE” ... and still outscored the Steelers, three touchdowns to none.

“We won, 24-6,” Carr acknowledged, because it said so, right on the scoreboard, “but we didn’t do anything.”

Pittsburgh held a 422-47 edge in total yards.

Pittsburgh held a 95-40 edge in offensive plays.

Pittsburgh had 24-3 edge in first downs.

Pittsburgh lost in a rout.

The Texans, who tend to go overboard whenever they win a game, have already published a glossy 144-page coffee-table book titled “Opening Night,” which chronicles their four quarters of glory in their 19-10 inaugural triumph over Dallas. Alert the printer, Volume II is on its way. Working title: “Victory By Inertia.”

Carr was right; the Texans won -- and they didn’t do anything. The Steelers, shaking their heads and muttering to themselves as they left the field, had to be thinking: If only Maddox had done the same -- if he hadn’t done anything -- they might have had a chance.

In his first game back since getting knocked out of the Steelers’ Nov. 17 loss at Tennessee, Maddox threw 57 passes and completed 32 -- 30 to teammates, two to Houston cornerback Aaron Glenn. Glenn went 70 yards and 65 yards, for Houston touchdowns.

Maddox also scrambled twice for six yards. Once, he left the ball on the ground, just gingerly laid it there, as if he were pausing to wash his hands before completing his run around right end. Houston cornerback Kenny Wright retrieved the ball and carried it 40 yards -- for another Texan touchdown.

With three defensive touchdowns, each the result of Maddox turnovers, and a 43-yard field goal by Kris Brown, the former Steeler kicker driven out of Pittsburgh for driving Bill Cowher crazy, the Texans had their 24 points. When Pittsburgh could counter with no more than a couple of field goals of its own, the Texans also had the fourth victory of their existence.

In was a big day for turning nothing into something quite substantial, none of it very good for the Steelers. In Jacksonville, Cleveland scored with nothing left on the clock, when Tim Couch had nothing left to do except heave a desperate Hail Mary toward the end zone and the Jaguar defense could do nothing right on the play.

Trailing, 20-14, Couch needed 50 yards in one play. The Browns knew it. The Jaguars knew it. Everyone watching in Jacksonville and Cleveland knew it. So what were the Jaguars doing in single coverage on Quincy Morgan, who had already scored on a 60-yard reception? Especially when Morgan is 6 feet 1 and the lone Jaguar covering him, Fernando Bryant, is generously listed at 5-10?

Morgan outjumped Bryant for the ball -- will wonders never cease? -- and came down with the touchdown.

Out of nowhere, the Browns are 7-6 and within a half-game of 7-5-1 Pittsburgh in the race for first place in the AFC North.

Jacksonville Coach Tom Coughlin usually responds to heartbreaking defeats by cutting the kicker. (Danny Boyd, who under-hit a squib kickoff that set up Couch’s fling-and-a-prayer, is the Jaguars’ fourth kicker this season.) What does Coughlin do after this one? Fire his defensive coordinator? Or, perhaps, himself?

With three games left in the regular season, six of eight division races remain unsettled. Green Bay clinched the NFC North championship last week. San Francisco won the NFC West title Sunday when the 49ers edged the Cowboys, 31-27, on a last-second touchdown pass from Jeff Garcia to Terrell Owens and the Rams were routed in Kansas City by their old coach, Dick Vermeil, 49-10.

(That was a fittingly surreal conclusion to the Rams’ three-year, two-Super Bowl playoff run. After being humiliated by their cross-state rival and eliminated from playoff contention, the Rams marked the occasion by forming a reception line to wrap joyful bear hugs around Vermeil).

Philadelphia is on the verge of its second consecutive NFC East title after third-string quarterback A.J. Feeley won his second consecutive start, 27-20, over Seattle. The Eagles, 10-3, can wrap up the championship with a victory over Washington or a loss by the 7-6 New York Giants to Dallas.

In the NFC South, Tampa Bay (10-3) stayed a game ahead of New Orleans (9-4) with its 34-10 victory over Atlanta, limiting Falcon quarterback Michael Vick to 158 fewer yards than he managed the previous week. But nothing really is settled in a division where the Buccaneers swept the season series from the Falcons, who swept the season series from the Saints, who swept the season series from the Buccaneers.

In the AFC, Tennessee and Indianapolis are tied at 8-5 atop the South after the Titans’ 27-17 win over the Colts and New England assured itself of at least a tie for first in the East when the Patriots defeated Buffalo, 27-17, to complete a season sweep of ex-Patriot Drew Bledsoe. New England is 8-5, a record Miami can match with a victory over Chicago tonight.

And in San Diego, the Raiders (9-4) moved a game ahead San Diego (8-5) in the AFC West with a 27-7 victory over the Chargers.

What’s it all mean?

At this point, nothing.

Which is not necessarily a bad thing, as the Houston Texans will attest.