A Face Lift? Baseball Decides to Get One

The popularity of steroids among athletes is not difficult to understand, writes Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post.

“The world we live in seduces us every day with: ‘You don’t like something about yourself? Here, take this pill. Make it better,’” Kornheiser writes. “We crave easy, immediate self-improvement, and we consider it a right and privilege of lifestyle.

“That goes for allergy medicines, electro-shock ab machines, plastic surgery and so on.

“You don’t like your face? Got too many wrinkles? Your skin sagging? Change it. Joan Rivers, of course, is the extreme example of plastic surgery. Her face is so taut now you could play ‘Wipeout’ on it. Have you seen Wayne Newton lately? If his face was lifted any higher, he’d need a ladder to comb his hair.”

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Trivia time: Who are the only six players in NHL history with 500 goals and 1,000 assists?

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Let’s hope not: Rickey Henderson of the Boston Red Sox, taking exception to Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50% of major leaguers use steroids, told the Boston Globe: “Well, I’m not one of them, so that’s 49% right there.”

Responded Mike McMulty of San Francisco, to the San Francisco Chronicle: “I’m guessing that Rickey won’t become a math teacher when he retires.”

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On the money: Observes Hubert Mizell of the St. Petersburg Times: “If a bobblehead doll of Braves pitching coach Leo Mazzone were produced, it could be the most accurate portrayal yet, cloning a chap whose noggin rocks incessantly on the Atlanta bench.”

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Dutch treat: Guus Hiddink, the once-derided Dutch coach of the South Korea soccer team, experienced an unexpected surge in popularity after the team improved its play recently, the Washington Post reported.

Criticized for public displays of affection toward his girlfriend, Hiddink, 55, was voted “Most Suitable Husband” on the Korean soccer delegation in a poll of Miss Korea contestants. Proclaimed the local Daily Sports: “He Is Good Husband Material!”

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Good Husband Material? “Have you noticed the scarred, ravaged, hideous faces of hockey players this time of year?” writes Dan LeBatard of the Miami Herald. “Why do women like Anna Kournikova fall for hockey players when they all look like something between the Elephant Man and that kid who played opposite Cher in ‘Mask’?”

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Oh, say, can you see? Jon Saraceno of USA Today, on the Dodgers: “The organization always stood for community and class but, to borrow a phrase a colleague used to describe the decline of the Boston Celtics dynasty, the only thing the Dodgers stand for now is the national anthem.”

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What are they hiding? “When the Blue Cross and Blue Shield Assn. (BCBSA) called on Major League Baseball’s 60 top sluggers to take a drug-free pledge in 2000,” the BCBSA revealed in a statement released last week, “two signed the pledge.”

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Trivia answer: Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, Mark Messier, Marcel Dionne, Steve Yzerman and Ron Francis.

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And finally: Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle wonders: “Isn’t it time someone exposed the deception in the resumes of Julius Erving and Dwight Gooden? And what about Dr. Demento?”