Maybe They’ll Give Him a USC Refresher Curse

I was scheduled to speak to the Trojan Club of the San Fernando Valley and Ventura County on Wednesday night, and I mention this for the benefit of local authorities, if there’s concern today about my whereabouts.

I know it got lost in the dramatic headlines at the time, but if I remember correctly, Jimmy Hoffa was going to lunch, and then on to speak to the Detroit Trojan Club when he turned up missing.

In preparation for Wednesday night’s bash, the Trojan Club passed out fliers, which included the following note: “All ripe fruit, eggs and other throwable items must be checked at the front door. Airport security will seem like child’s play compared to the security surrounding the appearance of our guest speaker. There may be minors present, so objectionable language is not permitted.”

That last part about “objectionable language” not being permitted raises the question, how will Trojan fans be able to communicate? I’m guessing sign language.

Last week I was an invited guest of the Orange County Youth Sports Foundation Tribute for horse trainer Bob Baffert, and when I was introduced, a man who later identified himself as a USC graduate shouted an obscenity.

I hear that same obscenity from a lot of USC graduates, and in some cases it’s the most intelligent thing they have to say.

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THE TROJAN Club flier, which was designed to draw a crowd, called me the “irrepressible, irreverent, irrational, irresponsible and often irritating” columnist for The Times, and while they obviously have me mixed up with Diane Pucin, you might be wondering why I’d insist on throwing myself into harm’s way.

Did I mention I get a free chicken dinner (and a night away from the wife’s cooking)? Now I pity the poor UCLA waiter who will have to taste that chicken first, but I remain on a lifelong quest to find a reasonable, sensible Trojan supporter who keeps things in perspective and doesn’t walk around angry all the time.

I mean, they’re the ones driving the BMWs -- why are they angry?

These should be the very best of times for USC and Trojan fans, you know, before UCLA or Notre Dame ruins all the fun, and that’s what my upbeat, positive speech was going to be all about when I stepped before the Trojan Club of the San Fernando Valley and Ventura County on Wednesday night: Enjoy it while you can.

I just hope I get the chance later this week to tell you how it went.

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MIAMI OF Ohio has suspended two coaches -- one for knocking down a fan and sending him to the hospital after Miami lost to Marshall, and the other for trashing the coaches’ booth in the press box after Tuesday night’s game. I suspect these are two guys who as youngsters played for high school coaches who demanded they be quiet and act angry while riding the bus home after a defeat. I just hate to think of the path of destruction they’d leave behind if they were coaching the Arizona Cardinals.

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KNOWING HOW stingy sports editor Bill Dwyre is with the budget around here, I still like a woman’s chances of being admitted to Augusta before I ever get to the Masters.

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NOW WHEN I tell you the Dodgers’ lineup for next season is scary already, you know what I mean. It would be nice to change the meaning of that sentence, however, and add “Godzilla” to the attack -- Japan’s Hideki Matsui, a .334 hitter who hit 50 homers this year and who is expected to sign with a major league team.

The Dodgers have indicated they don’t have the money to improve their lineup this season, and now the New York Yankees look as if they’ll end up with Godzilla. That leaves the Dodgers with an unhappy Brian Jordan, who has asked to be traded, and I’m scared to death they won’t find any takers.

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DODGER MANAGER Jim Tracy studied under the tutelage of Felipe Alou in Montreal, and now that Alou has been named manager of the San Francisco Giants, I worry that Alou might continue to school Tracy.

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WHEN THEY present the Gold Glove to Darin Erstad, they ought to make him dive to get it -- that’s how I picture him making every catch.

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THE GENERAL MANAGER for the Indianapolis Ice admitted the deal to sign 7-foot-7 Manute Bol to play hockey is only to generate interest in the team and sell tickets. And I thought it was to hype hockey in Bol’s native Sudan.

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IF THE NBA playoffs began today, the Clippers would be in and the Lakers would be out.

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ESPN REPORTED that “Around the Horn” has improved the rating for the 2 p.m. PST time slot 65% compared to the comparable six-day period a year ago when no one was watching “Unscripted.” Among the male 18-34 demographics, the rating has improved 132%. Imagine how well the show would do if it was any good.

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A TV station in Indianapolis reported that Colt owner Jim Irsay is being investigated by federal and local authorities for prescription drug fraud. The team denied Irsay is under scrutiny, but Irsay said he has had a prescription drug problem and sought help from a treatment center outside of Indiana. This raises the question, however, whether Irsay is more interested in moving the Colts here to get a new stadium or to be just closer to Mexico.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Tom Jicha:

“[Talk about the Shav Glick Media Center], the work men on my remodeling project have [named] the outhouse the ‘T.J. Simers Library.’ Your column is taped to the inside of the door each morning. No other reading material is allowed.”

Thank you for not inviting me to the christening.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.