There Were Some Sorry Exhibitions by Rams

Greg Cote in the Miami Herald: “Predicting an NFL team’s fortunes based on preseason results is like forecasting if it will rain by looking up at the ceiling. The correlation is spectacularly not there.

“You are as likely to bull’s-eye a Super Bowl champion on evidence of August outcomes as you are to accurately pick the future U.S. president from a hospital full of sock-headed newborns caterwauling in cribs.”

Many years ago Paul Brown, owner and coach of the Cleveland Browns, scoffed at the L.A. Rams as they ran up large scores in exhibition games, including routing the Browns, sneering, “I see where the Rams won their letters today.”

The Browns would then beat the Rams in the regular season.

Trivia time: Who were the first USC and UCLA football players selected as consensus All-Americans?

Unfamiliar territory: New York Met catcher Mike Piazza is “shocked and dismayed” that the Mets didn’t win a home game during August: “This is unchartered waters for me. Now it’s to the point it’s a strange feeling where your motivation and goal is not to extend a losing streak. Trust me, that’s bitter and it [stinks].”

Cold: Utah State assistant football coach Mike Lynch, commenting on a walk-on quitting on the first day after having a physical and eating: “Maybe the brutality of walking to the cafeteria was too much for him.”

Hey, coach, take it easy. Maybe the poor guy was just hungry and couldn’t afford a decent meal.

It still hurts: Steve Hummer of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, commenting on Shaquille O’Neal’s arthritic big toe: “The proportion is all wrong here. O’Neal, the giant among giants, is troubled by one of the smallest parts of his massive frame.

“That’s like parking an 18-wheeler on a broken cigarette lighter.”

No cake either: No other kid Ty Tyron’s age has a PGA Tour card.

But instead of mixing it up with Tiger Woods, Tyron had his tonsils taken out a week before his 18th birthday in June.

“I couldn’t even eat my birthday dinner,” he said.

Back-breaking book: Jim Armstrong in the Denver Post: “Now I know how all those linemen in Nebraska get so big. They bench press the media guide. Damn thing is thicker than Madonna’s little black book.”

Looking back: On this day in 1941, the New York Yankees recorded the earliest pennant-clinching date in history when they defeated Boston, 6-3. The Yankees finished the season with a 101-53 record, 17 games ahead of the Red Sox.

Trivia answer: USC tailback Mort Kaer in 1926 and UCLA end Burr Baldwin in 1946.

And finally: David Whitley of the Orlando Sentinel is skeptical that Shawn Kemp will add anything more to the Magic this season except his weight: “The Magic needs a big man, but a 350-pounder? If he brings all his illegitimate children to games, at least there shouldn’t be any empty seats at the TD Waterhouse Center ...

“Kemp is only 32. But when he got a $100-million contract five years ago, he became a shadow of himself. Actually, he became a shadow of Fat Elvis, only with a shorter vertical leap and [at least] seven kids.”