As P.T. Knows, There’s One Born Every Minute

You spend some time down here with the suckers, the Goofs and the thugs and it’s a good reminder of what we’re missing by not having a NFL team in town, or even an occasional Super Bowl.

The suckers, for example, woke up Saturday morning to this headline across the top of the front page of the San Diego Union-Tribune: “NO NEXT TIME FOR SAN DIEGO?” and in smaller letters: “New stadium only way to get game back, NFL warns.” I loved that part about “NFL warns.”

The NFL, of course, has been warning Los Angeles for almost a decade now that it better build a new stadium or it will never get another NFL team -- as if we really care. Since that hasn’t worked, we now have Commissioner Paul Tagliabue talking tough and suggesting the league might put an expansion team in Los Angeles even though the league has no plans to expand.

The NFL is even dangling a 2008 Super Bowl in front of Los Angeles so long as it agrees to build a new stadium for one game. What a generous offer.

I don’t know, the way things are going, I have a feeling we’re going to end up with a team whether we want one or not.

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DOWN HERE it’s different. The NFL knows it can put the squeeze on the suckers. The last time the NFL made noises about not coming here for another Super Bowl, the locals immediately ran scared, approved a $70-million Qualcomm Stadium renovation plan and agreed to make every Charger game a sellout for 10 years.

The ticket guarantee was endorsed across the board at the time by the local media, which included an ex-Charger working in TV sports on all three major stations here, and the town newspaper run by a former Nixon press secretary who has been on very cozy terms with the Goofs, you know, Alex and Dean Spanos, who own the Chargers.

To date, the city of San Diego has lost more than $30 million purchasing unsold tickets to Charger games. How do you think that would go over in L.A.?

The Chargers, with no incentive to improve the team because of the ticket guarantee, have missed the playoffs for more years than any other current NFL team with the exception of the woebegone Cincinnati Bengals. During the Goofs’ 18 years of ownership, the team has had a winning record a Clipper-like four times.

The locals are now being blackmailed by both the NFL and the Goofs. Tagliabue says this city can forget about having another Super Bowl unless it agrees to build a new stadium to cater to the Super Bowl rich and famous.

The Goofs, not satisfied with a stadium sellout guarantee, want more luxury suites and more money, and might be willing to move up to L.A. to get it.

We’ll have to see if they can get past the roadblocks.

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TO COMPLETE this NFL weekend, of course, we’re going to have a visit from the thugs who hail from Raider Nation. In fact, if the Raiders win the Super Bowl, this might the first time in sports history that officials will have riot concerns on three different fronts: San Diego, Oakland and Los Angeles.

City officials in Oakland have been talking about having a parade for the Raiders but to date have been unable to get a straight answer from the team. “When we get a new stadium, we’ll have a parade,” a Raider official has told them.

The Raiders don’t like their stadium deal in Oakland, and there is litigation yet to be resolved. The Raiders maintain they still own the rights to L.A., and there is litigation yet to be resolved. Los Angeles would have already played host to a Super Bowl in a new football stadium at Hollywood Park had the NFL and Al Davis not disagreed on details, and there is litigation yet to be resolved.

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NOW ASK yourself this -- given the chance to be played for a sucker by the Goofs only to invite an invasion of thugs every time the Raiders come to town, do you really want an NFL team located down the street?

The Coliseum, in conjunction with the Los Angeles Sports and Entertainment Commission, hosted a Super Bowl party Saturday night in a restaurant here to make it easy for everyone to get together and discuss this very issue.

I’m hoping this becomes an annual event, because it’s impossible to get dinner reservations in a Super Bowl city the night before the game, and as long as talks like this continue, we’ll be getting our NFL up close and personal -- on TV.

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SUPER BOWL Prediction: Tampa Bay 24, Oakland 10. Buccaneer quarterback Brad Johnson selected MVP.

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KELLY MANN is the winner of a $400 ticket and a date with the daughter in the Super Bowl Bachelorette Contest. Mann, 26, is still a student at UCLA. It could be worse. He could be 26, and still a student at USC.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Mike S.:

“A friend of mine just called from San Diego. He said, ‘These Raider fans are everywhere. Long hair, beards, bellies hanging out

Now we know why the men wear eye patches.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.