Finally, the Exhibition All-Star Season Is Over

Your All-Star game viewing guide:

What: The 74th major league All-Star game. Or, if you’re doing the math the Fox way, the first to “count” after 73 meaningless ones that wasted the time of Babe Ruth, Carl Hubbell, Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, Pete Rose, Reggie Jackson, Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr. and every American who tuned in to watch them.

When: Tonight at 5. Brought to you by Fox. Restructured for you by Fox and Major League Baseball, which, in the kind of thoughtful deliberation that has marked both organizations, took one look at last year’s tied All-Star game and began thrashing about in deep pools of panicked flop sweat. MLB: “We can’t have any more ties!” Fox: “We can’t have any more 9.5 ratings!” Settle down, everyone, before somebody goes and does something foolish, like giving the league that wins the All-Star game home-field advantage in the World Series.

At stake: Home-field advantage in the World Series.

Ballpark: Chicago’s U.S. Cellular Field. Formerly known as New Comiskey Park, which was built as a replacement to the original Comiskey Park. Cellular/Comiskeys combined, this will be the fourth All-Star game the White Sox have hosted. The legacy to date:

1933 -- The first All-Star game. Ruth, 38, playing in his next-to-last season with the Yankees, hits a two-run home run and makes a sensational catch in a 4-2 American League victory.

1950 -- The first televised All-Star game. Red Schoendienst wins the game for the National League with a 14th-inning home run.

1983 -- The first All-Star game grand slam, delivered by Fred Lynn, helping the AL end an 11-game losing streak that had become the talk of baseball and the country.

2003 -- “This time it counts!”

Managers: Dusty Baker of the Chicago Cubs will manage the NL, trying to secure home-field advantage in the World Series for the Atlanta Braves. Mike Scioscia of the Angels will manage the AL, trying to secure home-field advantage in the World Series for the New York Yankees.*

(*Yes, that is right: A Cub and an Angel managing in the same All-Star game. Congratulations, everyone! We have lived long enough to see the day.)

Pregame introductions: Baker finally gets to meet Dontrelle Willis, the Florida Marlin rookie pitching sensation who is 9-1 with a 2.08 earned-run average, currently drawing comparisons to Vida Blue, Fernando Valenzuela and Mark Fidrych ... and made the trip to Chicago only as an injury replacement for Kevin Brown. Baker said he didn’t originally pick Willis because “I haven’t seen him pitch yet,” making Baker the only person associated with American professional baseball in 2003 on record with that one.

Weather: For Dusty’s sake, let’s not get into it.

Play-by-play announcer: Joe Buck, calling his fifth All-Star game. During a conference call last week, Buck said he liked the added stakes for this game, imagining he’ll spend more time discussing strategy and less time interviewing managers during the action. Buck: “I think in years past, it’s been more of a Monty Hall-type effort in trying to see what’s behind Doors Nos. 1 through 32 as opposed to just doing a baseball game.” Well, yes, but that’s Fox Sports for you.

Color analyst: Tim McCarver, working his 13th All-Star game, not counting his appearances in 1966 and 1967 as a player. If Fox isn’t, why should we?

Cameras: Fox will have 23 positioned all around the stadium. None will be trained on Sammy Sosa, Frank Thomas, Pedro Martinez, Jeff Bagwell, Derek Jeter, Mike Mussina, Mariano Rivera or Troy Percival, all presumably at home watching the game on Fox.

CatcherCam: It’s back. Mike Piazza and Ivan Rodriguez aren’t. The game in a nutshell: They brought the cam but forgot the catchers.

Instant replay: Fox will use 10 instant-replay machines, including three with a “super-slow-motion” capacity. Or, as they say in the truck, “Let’s go Mo Vaughn on that one.”

Rosters: Expanded to 32 this year. And they still couldn’t find enough room for Roger Clemens. When this was pointed out to the commissioner’s office, the commissioner’s office found religion, praying for injuries to pitchers already on the AL roster -- because human sacrifice, at this late stage, was not an option.

Or was it?

On Monday, All-Star eve, the commissioner’s office announced Oakland’s Barry Zito was “physically unable to pitch,” thus serving up the 2002 AL Cy Young Award winning pitcher, who worked eight innings Sunday, to make room for Clemens, even though Zito was already in Chicago granting interviews about an All-Star game he would soon no longer be a part of.

As young A.J. Soprano might have put it: “What, no bleeping Zito?”

Dodger All-Stars: Paul Lo Duca’s on the bench and Eric Gagne’s in the bullpen, but Brown gets the save. Without Brown’s fortuitous injury, Willis’ All-Star bid would have hinged on yet another brainstorm by the commissioner’s office. “I’ve got it! Let’s put Armando Benitez and Mike Williams in sausage suits and have Randall Simon take a whack at one of them!”

Angel All-Stars: Troy Glaus and Garret Anderson will start, with Brendan Donnelly in the bullpen. There might have been more, but a) there are new restrictions in place to prevent a manager from stuffing the roster with his own players, and b) the Angels are managed by Scioscia, not Joe Torre.

And what if, after all of this, there’s still a tie? Home-field advantage in the World Series would then go to ... hmm ... how about the winner of Monday’s home-run contest? It’s amazing Fox and Bud Selig haven’t already chiseled that one into stone tablets. Wait till next year.