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The Readers Always Want Everything Letter-Perfect

These people live among you:

Bob Ginn: “Apologies to George Thorogood & the Destroyers, but San Antonio is ba ba Bad to the (Bowen). Spurs in six.”

With apologies to the Beatles: “It’s been a hard day’s night ... but when I get home to you, I find the things that you do, will make me feel all right.”

Daniel Ruiz: “While I didn’t agree with your public attack on a Laker administrative employee (who failed to help a dying child), I did find humor in (Laker GM) Mitch Kupchak responding and addressing your comments. Can you now please attack another set of Laker employees -- the power forwards. Maybe Kupchak will then address that issue.”

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I’m guessing he’d want overtime, and Jerry Buss wouldn’t pay for that.

Hollywood Park Press Release: “In addition to the $400,000 Jim Murray Memorial Handicap to honor the great Times’ sports columnist Saturday at Hollywood Park, the 10th race has been designated as “The Grocery Store Bagger Purse.”

Knowing the Bagger as I do, he’ll think that means he has to bring his purse with him.

Jason Gunderson: “Is the daughter’s wedding to the bagger still on?”

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Yes, and he’s talking about having Mike Price plan the bachelor’s party.

Patricia Murray: “Now I know why Ryan Leaf could behave like such a complete buffoon in public and then could so arrogantly defend his actions when questioned by the media. He was coached by the best, Mike Price. At least in the end, they each met with their Destiny.”

That happens sometimes when things just seem to fall in your lap.

Andrew Schuck: “T.J., thought you might like to use an idea I came up with. How ‘bout having a Bobble Head Donkey and give them away at Dodger Stadium, or hand them out to all the losers and the temper-tantrum stars you write about in your column?”

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Now would you want these Bobble Head Donkeys to be all brown?

Jim Culnan: “So, as you were saying about the Lakers in Game 2 ... by the way, this Grocery Store Bagger fellow, can he play small forward? Power forward? Defend against the three-pointer?”

I believe he’s aspiring to be a coach because whenever I see him, he’s just sitting there and doing nothing.

Joe Scott: “My son-in-law, Gary Hamilton, 46, died on April 29th from pancreatic and liver cancer. My brother, Glenn Scott, who lives in Colorado, called the Ducks for a couple of tickets to Game 4 for a last-time shot for Gary. He reached Ms. Erin Bickmeier and she said, ‘No way, the game was a sellout.’ Glenn explained the situation, and she called later to say she came up with two tickets to Game 4 and Game 6 if he could make it.

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“I went to Gary with the news, asked him if he could make it, he smiled and he said he would try. He didn’t make it.

“My point is a total stranger to the Southern California sports scene got tickets thanks to Erin and her diligence. I’d like you to mention her name in your column if possible.”

With pleasure: ERIN BICKMEIER.

Thomas Rollins: “Do you ever win on “Around the Horn?”

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All the time -- because I’m usually the first one eliminated.

Logan Dukes: “Please say something in reference to Bob Ryan’s comments about Jason Kidd’s wife. I’m not down on Ryan or anything but think it’s a shame he had to go and lose his mind.”

That’s what happens when you do TV, and Max Kellerman isn’t there to mute you.

Tom Britton: “Your attempt at journalism in your column, “With Full House, Hockey Seems Almost Appealing,” proves you’ll never win a Pulitzer Prize.”

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So you see my problem -- even the Pulitzer people can’t stand the sport.

Randy Eads: “Just wanted to know if you wanted my friend, ‘Guido’ to come over and (take care of e-mailer) Rob Hamers, for his comment about you and your father.”

Any chance Guido can play power forward?

Jeremy Indes: “Send your daughter my way. I am 6-4, 29, financially secure and a homeowner in Orange County. I do not own a Ducks’ jersey and I happen to think your column is brilliant.”

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I can have the kid at the Elvis Wedding Chapel in Vegas by 10 a.m.

Manuel Cortinas: “I know you have to be a homer and kiss up to Kobe, but Kobe as MVP? Come on, he couldn’t lead the Lakers’ anywhere but the cellar without Shaq.”

See what happens when I try to write nice things about our local athletes -- I’ll never do that again.

Elizabeth Moran: “The only thing that was missing from your hockey experience at one of the most exciting sporting events this year is any sign of intelligence whatsoever....’

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I thought the same thing, but I didn’t want to offend hockey fans.

Mike Kelly: “Did you know that Phil Jackson’s playoff record is actually 217-0? He has 160 ‘real’ wins, and 57 losses were all stolen from by him by the refs.”

In the next few days you will be getting a letter from Kupchak.

Jeff Johnson: “I am amazed you have managed to stay employed at The Times. It’s not the stuff you write about, which is inane, it’s the way you write it, which is asinine. You have no talent or any understanding of sports. I do not know one person who enjoys your column.”

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I do. Dave Helsel.

TODAY’S LAST word comes from Dave Helsel:

“After reading (The Last Word) comments that no one thinks you are witty, funny or entertaining, I feel such despair. I realize now I am the only person in the world who thinks you are witty, funny, and entertaining. I feel so alone.”

Now you know how I’ll feel if you ever move.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.


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