A Night at Ballpark Can Make You a Basket Case

Someone had to go, so I volunteered to show up for the Dodgers’ game Tuesday night just in case no one else did, everyone staying home to watch the Lakers and Spurs on TV.

“Are you as excited about tonight’s game as I am?” I asked Paul Lo Duca before the game.

“My wife is going nuts,” Lo Duca said, and he knew what game I was talking about. “She’s a huge San Antonio fan.”

“Is she staying home tonight or coming here to watch you?” I wondered.

“She’ll be here,” Lo Duca said, “although she thought about staying home to watch the Spurs.”

I figured it would be pretty easy to spot Lo Duca’s wife, because it would be just the two of us sitting in the stands until I realized it was Cap Night and the Dodgers were bribing folks to come to the ballpark. Now if I didn’t have to be here, I would have held out for a Dodger Dog and soda, maybe even demanded in writing that Andy Ashby not be allowed to pitch and ruin the night.

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I ASKED broadcaster Rick Monday if the cheers for a Laker win would be louder in Dodger Stadium than anything the Dodgers did. He said, “You’re assuming there’s going to be a chance to cheer out here.” He was correct -- I had no idea at the time whether Adrian Beltre would be in the lineup.

I asked former local broadcaster Stu Nahan about the big game, and he said, “There’s no Ducks game tonight.” You have to remember Stu took a turn as an NHL goalie years ago, and at times still appears a little shellshocked.

When it was announced that Dodger utility man Mike Kinkade was going to sit out the game because he had a boo-boo on one of his fingers, I was concerned some of the other players might try to find an excuse to miss the game and remain in the clubhouse to watch the basketball game, too.

That’s why I thought it might be a good idea to put the Lakers on the DodgerVision in left field, but Micro-Manager Jim Tracy stepped in and said, “No.” I guess he also selects the organ music for Nancy Bea Hefley to play.

Derrick Hall, the Dodgers’ VP of something, said putting the Laker game on the DodgerVision while the baseball game was being played would “be a distraction.” I suggested playing the baseball game then during commercials.

When the Dodgers took the field, the Lakers were trailing the Spurs by 11, and I wondered out loud if Kevin Brown was a Laker fan, and Hall said, “I would hope everyone in the Dodger organization pulls for our local teams.”

You know what that means: The Lakers are down by 11, and I worry now an angry Brown might be down in the clubhouse destroying the place. The Lakers are down by 15, and I keep waiting to hear the announcement: “We’ve lost three toilets so far in the clubhouse.”

As you know, Brown just tore a shelf off the wall in Montreal and put a two-foot hole in the wall of Cincinnati’s new clubhouse. “I understand the hole in the wall was right between two studs in the clubhouse,” said Tracy, and I guess he thinks more of his players than I do.

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THE LAKERS are down by 22, and I would imagine the Dodgers are probably down to their last toilet. Here’s hoping the game doesn’t go into extra innings.

Atlanta has a 1-0 lead, the Braves have the bases loaded, and I wonder who is in worse shape. The Lakers or the Dodgers? Someone is banging on the roof of the press box. Anyone see Brown?

The Dodgers have gotten out of the inning trailing by only one, the Lakers’ halftime score is shown on DodgerVision and the crowd groans. I would, too, if I had to sit through six more innings of baseball.

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TIM DUNCAN just threw in a miracle shot to make it 70-47. The Lakers have now gone to their summer league lineup featuring Slava Medvedenko.

Do you believe in Robert Horry miracles? The Lakers have pulled to within four of the Spurs with less than 50 seconds to play, the Dodgers have just tied the Braves and we might be witnessing one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. (I never thought the Dodgers would score.)

The Lakers lose, Cap Night draws 16,404 fewer fans to Dodger Stadium than a year ago, and Gary Sheffield hits a home run to beat his old team. In fact, I worry now I might be bad luck, and maybe should stay away from the Ducks’ game tonight.

I’m willing to make the sacrifice if it will help.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in the form of an ESPN scolding:

The folks who run ESPN’s scream-fest, “Around the Horn,” called to say they were muting me and taking me off the show indefinitely, replacing me with Times columnist Bill Plaschke because I was quoted correctly in the San Diego Union-Tribune Sunday. U-T columnist Nick Canepa, writing under the headline “Bob Ryan, columnist, trips over Bob Ryan, TV personality,” asked me about Ryan and the show, and I said the show is awful, promotes conflict and the outrageous, and I do it only to pay for a wedding. I’ve written the same thing, and spoofed the show many times over in The Times, but I guess it takes time for the news out west to work its way east.

Of course, I’ve also written regularly that it’s just awful my daughter is marrying a Grocery Store Bagger, I’m working for an outrageous sports editor who spends all of his time out of the office playing bad golf -- thank heavens -- and I had to buy a wraparound couch for the living room so the wife would have somewhere to sit. “Around The Horn” got off easy, but then the others I joke about have a sense of humor.

My only concern now is I won’t have the money to pay for a wedding; we might have to cancel it. (I don’t know if I’ll be able to stand the disappointment.)

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.