Malone Show Actually Is Some Good Theater

I know what he said, but I wonder about this business of Karl Malone taking a pay cut to come here and get a ring, especially after watching Mr. Oscar play Thursday night in Staples Center and knowing the money to be made in Hollywood.

Now most of us remember Malone as a bad actor in a Utah jersey, stomping his feet, glaring and generally carrying on as if someone told him he was going to have to live in Utah the rest of his life if he wasn’t rewarded with free throws.

But now dressed in Laker gold, and performing before the Hollywood set, he looked pretty darn good on stage -- joining Gary Payton as the Lakers’ Big Two because the other Big Two aren’t ready to play yet.

It used to be infuriating, but now it’s kind of funny to watch him go in for a layup, stumble and scream because he has apparently been clipped, and then gain two free throws because the ref bought it.

With Arnold busy, Hollywood might have found his replacement.

“Listen, when I whine, scream, stomp or whatever you want to call it, I only do it for a reason, and you can print that,” Malone said, and I’m sure once he’s settled in here, he’ll understand we don’t need permission to print what he says.

He obviously misunderstood. I continued and tried to compliment him, telling him he was such a bad actor in Utah, but now that he’s one of the Lakers, he’s going to be loved here, and I never got to finish that sentence.

“I only do it for a reason. End of story,” he said, and if both of his feet weren’t planted in a bucket of ice, I believe he would have pulled a Greta Garbo. “If that’s not good enough for you, then make something up.”

I’m sure once he’s settled in here, he’ll understand he doesn’t have to suggest such a thing.

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IT TOOK Mr. Oscar less than three minutes to go after the ref, pointing a finger at the official -- picture Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men” telling Tom Cruise, “You can’t handle the truth” -- and then getting the call two trips later down the floor.

It would make you mad, of course, if he were wearing the uniform of another team, but now in gold the whining, which draws the free throws, is a welcome reprieve after a missed shot. Too bad Devean George couldn’t learn how to act, so everyone could benefit from all his missed shots.

The only problem, of course, is that Malone takes forever to shoot his free throws, and he’s always moving back on his heels on the second attempt, a fundamental error that’s going to hurt the Lakers. Maybe Shaq can work with him.

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NOW CAN you imagine what’s going to happen when the Big Two and the other Big Two finally get together on the court at the same time?

“The fifth player [on the court] is going to have the most difficult time,” Coach Phil Jackson said, although I’m not sure why a fifth player is really necessary.

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MIKE DUNLEAVY was dressed in an all-black warm-up suit when I got my first chance to meet the Clipper coach Thursday. Told him it seemed appropriate for a guy coaching the Clippers.

Also told him his accent reminded me of another guy who dresses in an all-black warm-up suit, Al Davis, and Dunleavy said, “I’m a fan of that organization.” Already don’t like my chances of liking this guy.

Dunleavy said he’s going to stress defense. I said that’s boring, and he said, “I could care less. I’m a guy who likes to win.”

So why is here coaching the Clippers?

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WHEN IT came time for the Clippers to take the floor in Staples Center to play the Suns, I counted 171 fans in the building.

With two minutes remaining in the first quarter, I counted 51 members of the media eating dinner in the Chick Hearn Press Room, including the Clippers’ assistant director of media services, which makes sense -- if you’re the director of media services you ought to be with the media.

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LEBRON JAMES’ jerseys were being sold for $75 in the Staples Center gift shop. It’s the first visiting team jersey ever sold in the shop.

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TALKED TO the “self-esteem doctor,” psychotherapist and author Catherine Cardinal, who has a practice in Santa Monica, and she was very concerned about the furor surrounding Steve Bartman, the fan who cost the Cubs the World Series.

“I feel badly for him and want to help,” she said. “This guy didn’t ask to be famous, and I’m sure he’s frightened. I would like to tell people to just let it go.”

What would she have the fan do?

“I’d suggest a sex change operation, become a girl and go shopping,” the good doctor said, and growing up a Cleveland Brown fan, a good sense of humor was essential to survival, especially after “the Drive” and “the Fumble.”

“This is sports terrorism the way people are reacting to this young man, so the first thing I would want is for him to be safe,” she said. “Then I would tell him, ‘Hey man, this your 15 minutes of fame. Embrace it.’ ”

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RAN INTO John Stege in Staples, and he told me about his Balboa Island neighbors, Luther and Sally Mitchell, who are such die-hard Trojan fans they have USC garbage cans. Some people have all the luck. I just have a neighbor with an ugly dog.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Dennis Mclaughlin:

“Dear poor excuse for a sportswriter. You’re a pathetic individual. After a great Cub season and a seventh game for the championship only you could screw it up with inane writing. Knock the Dodgers, blame the poor fan ... (but) invoking religion into the situation -- even you have stooped to a new low.”

Holy cow.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com