More Than One Page of Difference to Sort Out

Obviously this is not my sports section because I can never get a story on Page 1 where all of sports columnist Bill Plaschke’s columns begin. I’d tell you where his columns end, but then I’d probably have to read the whole thing -- just kidding.

Now before Plaschke puts in a call to Jim Gray, I want to go on record saying Plaschke is not fat, and if I ever do decide to opt out of my contract, it won’t be because of Plaschke’s childlike selfishness and jealousy.

No one in the country writes better sob stories than Plaschke, and while it makes me wonder why he has never interviewed me about the Grocery Store Bagger marrying the daughter, there’s no question the guy is a Shaquille O’Neal-like giant in our business, and he has the awards to prove it.

He writes incredible stuff night after night on deadline under the most demanding circumstances -- OK, so maybe not the most demanding circumstances because by the time he starts writing, Sports Editor Bill Dwyre usually has nodded off and is no longer a nuisance -- but still tough circumstances.

That’s why I’m not really hard on him when he makes a huge mistake, as he did Wednesday morning in the newspaper, and delivers an opinion so far off base it reminds me of a Devean George jump shot.

After the Lakers’ first game, he wrote under the headline: “Life Without Bryant Is Sounding Pretty Good,” that maybe it’s time for the Lakers to trade Bryant.

I went on to read the whole column -- a first time for everything, I guess (just kidding) -- which goes to show you that Plaschke did his job Wednesday morning delivering a provocative epistle to the readers of The Times. I said epistle, not gospel.

But then I’m driving to work and he’s on the Dan Patrick radio show telling everyone he wouldn’t be surprised if Bryant is traded to Memphis this season, and I wanted to shout, “Let’s slow down here.” (By the way, that’s also good radio when you have someone driving down the highway and yelling at the stupid things someone is saying over the air.)

As Plaschke’s teammate, of course, that’s when I decided it was time to give the Shaquille O’Neal-like giant in our business an assist, pass on some advice here, and give him the chance to rethink his position. It’s not too late, and I don’t believe it would be the first time he ever changed his mind.

The thing is, no one gave him that chance more than four years ago when he wrote “Dodger fans should love” the trade of Mike Piazza. Same thing when he advocated the trade of Gary Sheffield, and then came back this year to apologize, or the time he suggested the Kings could lay claim to title of worst sports franchise in town after getting rid of Rob Blake -- just before they went on to make the playoffs.

We all make mistakes, or if necessary, overnight declare we’re die-hard Trojan fans. Now I know some of you are thinking maybe this should have been kept behind closed newsroom doors, and while I suppose I could have woken up Dwyre and asked him to say something, what if he was still groggy and agreed with Plaschke?

Then I might never get the chance of making it to Page 1.

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GOT A hot tip, still waiting to see if it pays off. As you know, the Boston guy buying the Dodgers has no money, and there have been rumors that Frank McCourt might link up with some rich guy from the Silicon Valley. Well, the richest of them all is Oracle’s Larry Ellison, who apparently is also buying a bunch of Malibu Carbon Beach property to build a family compound. Coincidence?

Ellison, asked about his management style in a recent Newsweek article, said, “I used to treat other people the same way I treated myself. I was very brutal with myself about my own mistakes, and I just passed on that brutality to others. I’ve learned over the years to temper that. People aren’t perfect. And I have a little more empathy with human fallibility.”

That would come in handy if he’s going to be with the Dodgers.

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OSCAR DE LA HOYA is going to be the Olympic boxing commentator for Telemundo Sports. Based on his commentary after his fight with Shane Mosley, I hope he has someone sitting next to him who knows what he’s talking about.

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THERE HAS been some discussion about the expletive on the T-shirt Bryant’s wife, Vanessa, wore to the Lakers’ game last week in the Arrowhead Pond. She walked by me twice that night and I never saw what was written across her chest because as a rule I like to make eye contact with a woman, especially if I know her husband is a well-conditioned athlete.

All I noticed was the Louis Vuitton purse she was carrying, you know the white one with the colorful thingamajigs all over it, because the daughter intends to buy a knock-off of that same handbag. I rushed home to tell the daughter and the wife about the handbag, and I was pretty proud of myself for not taking a look at you know what, when both of them yelled at me: “Did you see the ring?”

More on the T-shirt: Someone familiar with the situation said the expletive on the front of the shirt was calculated to keep TV cameras from focusing on Bryant’s wife in the crowd. Well, I’ve got a picture right here of her in the T-shirt taken by Francis Specker for something called, “EPA,” and looking closely, Vanessa has both hands reaching back to straighten her hair, so there’s still no ring to see.

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TODAY’S LAST word and punch line come from Alice Barefoot:

“After seeing you on TVG from Santa Anita with your Hawaiian shirt and making your Breeders’ Cup picks for charity, you have inspired me to become a sportswriter just like you.

“For Halloween.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com