If Laker Ladies Didn’t Bore You, This Will

Just like to be up-front about these things. I wouldn’t waste my time reading this today, considering there’s a mention of hockey, horse racing, the Raiders and Clippers. Doesn’t get much boring than that -- unless you watched the Laker women jabber into the night.

*

I DISAGREE with Mike Penner’s “Sound and Vision” critique of the “Lakers Living Room” on Fox Sports Net on Tuesday night. Penner wrote the “proceedings took a nosedive when Jon Cryer was ushered into the living room as one of too many ‘special guests.’ ”

This show took a nosedive the second it came on the air, even beating out “Around the Horn” for the show quickest to demonstrate it offered nothing. In both cases the chatter was unintelligible, the noise deafening, and the “Lakers Living Room” was so bad, a visit by Max Kellerman might have been considered a plus.

This show was so horrible I found myself at one point turning to “Whoopi!”

I’m telling you, Darva Conger is no longer the most ridiculous woman to ever appear on TV. I now have five other nominees.

*

I DIDN’T have a problem with Jeanie Buss making it clear on the show that she’s hot for Rick Fox, because that’s Phil Jackson’s problem and maybe her way of making the old guy jealous to get a ring. But I was troubled by Shaquille O’Neal’s wife’s assertion that the media have it wrong, and her husband and Kobe Bryant get along fine.

A few days ago, Jackson said Bryant was now the top player in the game. That same evening, O’Neal stopped talking to the media. When O’Neal resumed jabbering, he said Karl Malone and Gary Payton “are probably the soul of our team right now.” The back-biting never stops.

*

LOVE TO watch the NCAA basketball tournament, but not with the sound up and Bill Raftery of CBS mentioning “Profiles in Courage,” and then linking it to the “courageous” Chris Duhon who plays for Duke. Courageous? Duhon is playing basketball with bruised ribs, and as Raftery or co-host Verne Lundquist noted, doctors say he can do no more harm to himself. Courageous? How about the young men the same age who are in Iraq facing death every day?

*

I WENT to the Kings’ game Wednesday night to wish the guys well in their dogged pursuit of a playoff berth. Oh....

Well then, I thought I’d talk to team President Tim Leiweke, but I was told he had left the country. I know he promised on TV the Kings would make the playoffs, but he didn’t have to leave the country just because his team tanked.

Now as for that age-old promise, wait until next year, I don’t think so.

By the sound of it, because of labor problems we won’t see hockey again in this town until some time in 2006. Let me be the first to say, Happy New Year!

*

IT HAS that “man-bites-dog” feel to it when you hear that a bunch of former Raiders are going to get together Saturday to do some good things for people.

I asked for verification, and so Gene Upshaw, the former Raider offensive lineman who now runs the NFL Players Assn., called to say it’s true that more than 30 former Raiders will be at the Burbank Hilton on Saturday from 9 a.m. until 5 to p.m. to sign autographs and raise money for former teammates and coaches who have run into serious financial and physical problems.

Admission is free for those who would like to gawk at some of the dirtiest football players ever, but the fee for autographs range from $10 to $65. I’d imagine the going rate for Bill Romanowski’s is whatever he says it is. And if I were you, I wouldn’t argue.

*

LYONS THE LOSER, you know, Frank Lyons, the TVG analyst who doesn’t know anything about horse racing and who lost a Breeders’ Cup wager with Page 2, owns a piece of Castledale, who will be running in Saturday’s Santa Anita Derby. I think I know what piece he owns.

Castledale has no chance of winning, of course, taking after its owner, which will leave only five others competing with the favorite, Bob Baffert’s Wimbledon.

No guarantee Baffert knows what Wimbledon is, because he confirmed Wednesday that when he met Joe DiMaggio long ago, he told him, “You’re the greatest pitcher I ever saw.” When DiMaggio told him he wasn’t a pitcher, Baffert told him, “Well, I sure like your coffee.”

Baffert told that story to New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner later, and Steinbrenner gave him a baseball signed by DiMaggio. I presume someone told him who George Steinbrenner was before they chatted.

*

I ASKED a Santa Anita official before the draw for post positions for the Santa Anita Derby if he’s seen Jamie or Frank McCourt at the track yet. “It takes money to gamble,” he said.

*

BUBBA TRAMMELL hit a three-run homer for the Dodgers on Tuesday and on Wednesday they cut him. I guess they were afraid he might ask for a raise.

*

THE NEW Dodger GM has made two deals so far, one with his former boss in Oakland, and one with a former Oakland associate who now works in Toronto. If only Dan Evans had friends.

*

THE CLIPPERS were 27-55 last season and both Alvin Gentry and Dennis Johnson were dismissed. The Clippers are 27-49. I suggest Mike Dunleavy urge his squad to win one more game.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Chris Power:

“I find it strongly hypocritical that you relentlessly ripped [UCLA’s] John Sciarra for being arrested, yet you haven’t written anything on Winston Justice. Justice is another criminal in a long line of criminals at USC. You need to face the facts instead of ignoring them.”

As a die-hard Trojan fan, I was under the impression I didn’t ever have to do that.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.