He’s Looking for Luck in All the Wrong Places

I’ve been in a little slump lately, picking horses, golfers and baseball teams to lose only to watch them triumph, which makes it appear to some folks -- crazy, I know -- that I have no idea what I’m writing about.

This week I’m scheduled to go to the Kentucky Derby, and now the Grocery Store Bagger is saying he intends to join me. As I said, nothing’s going my way.

It also appears that Castledale, a hump-back plow horse owned in part by Lyons the Loser, the TVG horse racing analyst who doesn’t know anything about horse racing, will be going to the Derby. I wouldn’t be surprised if Castledale and the Bagger end up staying in the same barn. I know whom the Bagger won’t be bunking with in Louisville.

I had the nag pegged to finish last in the Santa Anita Derby, but sometimes things happen that almost make you believe in miracles, you know, such as Adrian Beltre hitting .365 or Gary Payton not complaining after a basketball game.

Castledale won the Santa Anita Derby, and now Lyons the Loser says the poke can win the Kentucky Derby. Picture Beltre winning the batting title.

Lyons the Loser also believed he could pick more winners in the Breeders’ Cup than Page 2, and TVG had to write a check on his behalf to the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA because he was wrong.

We now have another bet for the benefit of the Children’s Hospital.

Lyons the Loser will put up $100 for every horse that beats his tiring nag in the Kentucky Derby, and he has agreed to make it an even $2,000 if his plow horse finishes last. “My own money?” he cried, and without the aid of cue cards too.

To make sure that Lyons the Loser writes out a personal check this time, his bosses at TVG agreed to match whatever he loses with a separate check. The Children’s Hospital is going to do all right.

“This horse is deceivingly good,” Lyons the Loser boasted. “This time, the horse and I both win.”

I can’t imagine the horse being too happy about Lyons the Loser’s providing that kind of bulletin board material for the other horses in the stable.

But here’s where it gets sticky. For every horse that Castledale beats in the Kentucky Derby, I will be donating $100 to the hospital, and smelling salts, please, for the wife if the plow horse wins: She will have to write out a check for $2,000, which could mean no more Twinkies for the rest of the month.

Given my recent form, obviously she’s a little nervous, so she asked me to go to Dodger Stadium on Saturday night to spend some time with the luckiest people in the world in the hopes some of their luck might rub off on me. There’s no other way to explain the Dodgers’ first-place start, which I think you can pretty well certify a fluke.

“I don’t think it’s a fluke,” Dave Roberts said. “We believe we can win.”

It’s comforting to learn the Dodgers remain as boring as ever, but I wanted to know why they were playing over their heads.

Shawn Green didn’t hesitate: “William Hung.”

There’s no question you can see the similarities between the “American Idol” reject and the Choking Dogs. Both have been told they’re no good, and they really aren’t, but just don’t seem to get the message.

The Dodgers moved their stretching exercises indoors so they can listen to Hung’s CD, “I Believe I Can Fly.” I’d imagine they’ve changed the words to “I Believe I Can Hit,” and it would be pretty funny to hear them while they did their stilted exercises, which explains why the clubhouse is shut tight.

The Dodger players have identified so much with the singing reject they asked management to contact Hung in the hopes of initiating some kind of Rally Monkey phenomenon. They were sent Hung key chains, T-shirts and decals with Hung’s likeness, and now they quote his motto when you ask them a tough question they can’t handle: “No professional training. No regrets.”

I’m waiting for the day when they all take the field wearing Hung baseball caps; it might be their best chance of winning a playoff game.

The Dodgers e-mailed Hung’s father, invited the kid singer to attend a game and suggested a number of marketing ideas, including a big-screen scoreboard appearance during games when the Dodgers needed a boost a la the Rally Monkey.

Hung’s father wanted to know how much the Dodgers were going to pay his kid. I guess he was unaware the guy who owns the Dodgers has no money. Told there would be no money, Hung’s father e-mailed the following reply: “William is not interested.”

The Dodgers remain hopeful Hung will come around, and in comparison, I guess, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of earth. I’ll be at the Kentucky Derby with the Grocery Store Bagger -- someone else who never got the message to get lost -- and knowing what Hung has done for the Dodgers, Lyons the Loser better get out his checkbook.

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LARRY KING autographed his new book, “Why I Love Baseball” Saturday night in Dodger Stadium. He sat beside the Parking Lot Attendant, and I think we all know why he loves baseball: You can buy a team with no money.

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THE GIVEAWAY that the Chargers were not going to keep the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft was news earlier this week that the Spanos Goofs were not going to New York. The Spanos Goofs never pass a chance to mug for the cameras.

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BET YOU Philip Rivers’ family now is wishing someone had stepped forward earlier and said that Rivers didn’t want to play for the Chargers.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.