It’s Nip and Tuck, but They Still Lose to L.A.

I’m old enough to remember what Phyllis Diller looked like before plastic surgery, which reminds me of Houston, site of Super Bowl 38.

Although frightful to look at in her early days, Phyllis was a hoot, once saying, “If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.”

She’s looking better these days, but then I’m also old enough to know just how old Phyllis is, so why bother? I mean, the wife is probably a good decade or two younger than Diller, and she stopped trying long ago, which brings me to Houston’s makeover and the locals’ almost frantic hope that anyone who comes here this week will leave just loving the place.

Why bother? Are you going to schedule your next summer vacation in Houston?

Crazy place. They’ve spent money on billboards here that read: “Put your smile on. Company’s coming!” I think it would have been more appropriate had they read: “Put a smile on; you get to go home.”

Houstonians don’t greet you here by saying, “Hello,” but instead want to know right away, “What do you think of Houston?”

My pat answer: “I think of Houston and I think of Enron.”

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HOMERISM, AS you might expect in Yahooville, runs rampant. The local sports columnists have their mug shots in the newspaper -- in each case with the city’s skyline in the background. They run my picture in The Times, I’d have to think about filing for the witness protection program.

On the front page of the Sunday Houston Chronicle, reporter Mike Tolson wrote: “When we wake up next Sunday to find ourselves in the eye of the hurricane, it will be hard to resist pridefully pointing out our latest accomplishment: No other American city has ever invested as much on sports stadiums in as little time, opening three pro facilities in 40 months for $1 billion.”

Tolson concluded his story by quoting Houston sports enthusiast Peter Coneway saying, “In Los Angeles, this would never have happened.”

All together now: “He’s got that right.”

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INSTEAD OF waiting until Sunday to pridefully point out Houston’s latest accomplishment, officials called a news conference first thing Monday morning to brag about the city’s new sports facilities. It was the first time in Super Bowl history a city’s inferiority complex drew so much attention.

“Houstonians love their city,” said Robert McNair, owner of the Houston Texans, who paid $700 million to join the NFL fraternity. “When I saw what happened in Baltimore -- they had developed an inferiority complex after losing their team, and St. Louis was on the verge of that. I just didn’t want to see that happen in Houston.

“All you got to do is watch television during the football season and all the NFL games, and you don’t ever hear them mentioning Los Angeles.”

So, I asked McNair, while trying to keep a straight face, do you think L.A. is in danger now of having its own inferiority complex?

“I don’t know if that will be the case,” McNair said, “but I would think at some point in time somebody has to think back and say, ‘Gee, are we being forgotten? Is that having an impact on us?’ You know, out of sight, out of mind.”

I guess he hadn’t read his morning paper, and the giant tease at the top of the first page for the Los Angeles-hosted Golden Globes a night earlier.

(Yikes, I’m starting to get defensive like a Houstonian).

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SUPER BOWL 38 would’ve been in L.A. this week had Eli Broad or Michael Ovitz accepted the NFL’s offer of an expansion team for about $600 million -- even though McNair was offering $650 million. McNair offered $700 million in exchange for the Houston Super Bowl, and a deal was struck.

One thing became apparent during the expansion derby -- L.A. had no answer for McNair, who not only had the Houston community behind him, but some who wished he had been born in L.A. If he owns the Sparks, I start going to their games. (I exaggerate, of course -- it’s Super Bowl week).

McNair said he never worried about L.A., correctly figuring no one would marshal the forces required to meet the $1 billion-plus tab to buy a franchise and build a stadium.

He also had the identity-challenged Houstonians on his side. They voted to raise car rental and hotel taxes to fund the construction of baseball and football stadiums. Later, another successful referendum provided the public funds for a basketball arena. Try that in L.A.

“If the public doesn’t vote that way, none of this happens in Houston,” McNair said. “There’s no way it could have been done financially without public funds.”

Like I said, try that in L.A.

“Does the NFL have to be in Los Angeles?” McNair said. “No, I don’t think we have to be in L.A. We have three teams in California, so the NFL is there. Until the L.A. community sees the value in the return of the NFL, I don’t see it happening.”

That’s bad news, of course, because it increases the chances of having to return here for another Super Bowl.

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ASTRO OWNER Drayton McLane appeared at the morning news conference to join the brag-fest. I asked whether baseball was setting a bad precedent in approving the Boston parking lot attendant as the Dodgers’ new owner when it appears he’s penniless.

“Frank McCourt and his family have been very successful in the Boston area and from what I understand, he has strong assets of his own,” McLane said. “We’ve got to get this going and get the Dodgers in order, because they haven’t been able to make any deals in the off-season.”

I’m sure the penniless guy will get on that right away.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.