Any More Cutbacks Would Be Merciless

The El Paso School of Excellence’s six-man football team lost its opener, 91-0, in a game called at halftime because of the mercy rule. In two games it has been outscored, 133-7. Yet, all eight players on the squad agreed to fight on.

“We had a guy quit, and one of our better guys broke his arm, so we held that meeting,” team captain John Gomez, the lone upperclassman, told the El Paso Times. “I told the guys, ‘I don’t care if we win or lose, but this is my last year here and I just want to play football.’ ”

On the bright side, things can’t get much worse -- or any less excellent.

Trivia time: On this date in 1994, the North Carolina women’s soccer team won its 89th consecutive game, setting a record for longest winning streak in college sports. What school had previously held the record, and in what sport?

Surprisingly bad: Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post predicted before the start of the season that the Minnesota Vikings, who have turned the ball over 12 times in 24 possessions during their first two games, would be the NFL’s surprise team.

“What, you’re not surprised that they’ve had a turnover on half of their drives?” the columnist wrote this week.

Problem solved: Australian-rules football player Brett Blackwell announced recently that, because his broken finger never healed properly, he’s having it removed to improve his game.

Notes Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press: “In a related story, in order to improve his game, Terrell Owens said he’s going to decapitate himself.”

Can it be? Vanderbilt, which before this football season had gone 64-179-1 since its last winning season in 1982, is 3-0 and atop the Southeastern Conference Eastern Division, looking down on such powers as Tennessee, Florida and Georgia. Apparently, it’s a strange feeling.

Said tight end Dustin Dunning to Associated Press: “I’ve got professors asking me questions about football rather than econ. It’s different. You can feel the tension in the air, and it’s exciting.”

Comical: Dennis Green stated this week that there is no such thing as a Cardinal curse, prompting Paola Boivin of the Arizona Republic to reply, “Well, if we can’t blame the Wiccans for the 0-2 start, then, Coach Green, step up to the podium.”

The columnist continued, “The NFL uniform is supposed to inspire greatness, the cape that fuels the transformation to Superman. So why is it in this football metropolis that Cardinal players slip on their jerseys and suddenly become Clark Kent?”

Hopeless romantic: Sportswriter Jerry Greene of the Orlando Sentinel writes: “Last night, my wife said I don’t love her anymore because I never take her to someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station.”

Trivia answer: The UCLA men’s basketball team won 88 consecutive games in 1971-74.

And finally: From Greg Cote of the Miami Herald: “The [Florida] Panthers’ advertising theme for the 2005-06 season is, ‘It’s A Whole New Team.’ Analysts say the slogan is indicative of severe budget cuts in the club’s creative marketing department.”