Clippers go from great to late in half a minute

The other night following the Clippers’ win over the Lakers, Elton Brand called me over to say, “Not bad for a bunch of dead guys, huh?”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but then I recalled one of the hosts on the morning father/daughter gabfest on 570 with the TV Guy had pronounced the Clippers dead a few weeks back.

Well, it sure looks like an apology is due. I’ll have to speak to the daughter and the TV Guy.

One more win, in fact, over Denver on Saturday night and the Clippers not only get the tiebreaker over the Nuggets, but a chance to set their sights on the Lakers. Yes sir, five games below .500 a few weeks back, the Clippers can finish the night one game up and start thinking about whether they want to play San Antonio, Dallas or Phoenix in the first round of the playoffs.

Just one more play, and they’ve got the chance to kick the Lakers aside come Thursday. It’s 93-91 Clippers, less than 30 seconds to go, everyone on their feet in Staples Center, the noise incredible and Lakers fans really nervous.

Then Denver makes a three-pointer, the Clippers lose the ball at the other end of the court, and the Nuggets not only win, but now have the same record as the Lakers with a date to play L.A. in Denver on Monday -- a day after the Lakers have taken on Phoenix.

The Clippers not only have killed themselves in the biggest game of the season, but it appears the best they can hope for is an eighth-place finish and a first-round playoff assignment against the team with the best record in the NBA.

Like I said, the Clippers are dead, all right.

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SO SMUSH Parker decided to take on Phil Jackson. Anyone, I guess, other than the opponent’s starting point guard. You’ve got to give Parker credit, though, he doesn’t have to worry any longer whether the Lakers are going to bring him back next year. One less worry for him.

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IT WAS Mark Verge’s idea, a high school buddy of horse trainer Doug O’Neill, who heard O’Neill would be joining the radio show last week before O’Neill’s horse, Liquidity, ran in the Santa Anita Derby.

And it was a terrific idea. “We’d like to donate $5,000 to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA if Liquidity wins, and if the horse doesn’t win, we’d still like to donate $2,500,” O’Neill said, and how cool is that -- the kids still cashing even though the horse finished fourth?

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IT’S BEEN a good week for the children’s hospital. Purpose Funding, which makes a donation for every interview on the radio show and explains why we were willing to suffer through a pair of chats with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, wrote out a $25,000 check to Mattel with the intention of making it another $25,000 by Christmas.

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I ARRIVED at Staples just in time to catch the Kings’ scoring their final goal of the season. Only goal I saw all year, and from what I saw, the Kings looked great.

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AS SOON as the Kings’ game was over, the team’s coach took the ice with microphone in hand. Help me if you know the name of the Kings’ coach.

He told the fans, “There were very few games we didn’t give effort this year,” which means the Kings really stink, but about those games the Kings tanked?

ON TV, meanwhile, FSN’s Patrick O’Neal, sounding a little giddy, I presume, because he didn’t have to work any more hockey games, interviewed the Kings’ Anze Kopitar. O’Neal, either shivering from the cold or shaking because he had no idea what Kopitar might say, gave him the chance to “guarantee” Kings fans a playoff berth next season.

“Is there any way next season this team isn’t in the playoffs?” O’Neal gushed.

“It’s hard to say right now,” said Kopitar, and I would think that would make a great theme for next year’s season-ticket campaign: “It’s hard to say right now,” why I should buy them.

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THE DODGERS have entered a relationship with 25 local bars, and last week Steve Garvey appeared at the Burbank Hooters, which drew an e-mail from Axel W. Kyster.

“I tried to get into the place to watch the Dodger game with Garvey, but it was too crowded,” Kyster wrote. “I think Garvey brought his kids.”

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IN ADDITION to their new relationship with bars, the Dodgers have also entered a partnership with the California Lottery. The Dodgers website shows a picture of Nomar Garciaparra working on a Scratcher in the team’s clubhouse. I presume Garciaparra was standing in front of the sign that is posted in every clubhouse in baseball prohibiting gambling.

Now that the Dodgers have drinking and gambling covered, I wonder if they have any plans to enter into an agreement with an escort service on behalf of Dodgers fans.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Chuck Reilly:

“Dear Mr. Simers, my 10 years of piano lessons were not in vain. I’ve come up with a song for your favorite ball hog (Kobe Bryant). It’s called, ‘If Kobe Passes the Ball,’ and it’s sung to the tune of ‘When Johnny Comes Marching Home.’ And it goes like this:

“If Kobe passes the ball to me, Hurrah! Hurrah!

“If Kobe passes the ball to me, Hurrah! Hurrah!

“We’ll win some games and beat some teams,

“And we’ll all get wonderful championship dreams

“So it all comes down to...if Kobe passes the ball.”

At the risk of coming off like Simon, if Kobe doesn’t shoot, Smush does -- and the Lakers will be marching home for the off-season.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.