Year of living perfectly

The perfect is the enemy of the good, Voltaire famously said, and that was hundreds of years before the invention of spy cameras, steroids and sports record books that future generations would find impossibly and irresistibly enticing.

In 2007, sports fans saw the enemy rear its ugly head so many time that by December’s end, they were ready to hoist the 409-page Mitchell Report and swat back in self-defense.

Barry Bonds, obsessed with becoming the perfect baseball player, broke Hank Aaron’s home run record while America suspected fraud, then was indicted on charges that he lied to a federal grand jury about using performance-enhancing drugs.

Marion Jones, obsessed with becoming the perfect sprinter, had to return the five Olympic medals she won in 2000 after admitting she used steroids -- drugs that helped transform her into a track and field superhero: Man-Made Marion.

Floyd Landis, obsessed with providing the perfect encore to Lance Armstrong’s seven consecutive Tour de France titles, was stripped of his 2006 Tour championship after he tested positive for synthetic testosterone.

Bill Belichick, obsessed with the possibility of completing a perfect NFL regular season, was fined $500,000 and his New England Patriots docked a first-round draft choice after the league found the Patriots guilty of illegally videotaping an opponent’s sideline signals.

And when perfection wasn’t possible, even with unethical outside assistance, too many in sports opted for the low and easy road to fame and fortune.

There were 88 players listed after George Mitchell completed his investigation into steroid usage in the major leagues -- Bonds, Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi, Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada, Andy Pettitte and Gary Sheffield among them.

Michael Vick, who seemingly had it all and deemed that insufficient, is serving a 23-month prison term for his role in a dogfighting syndicate.

Tim Donaghy, a 13-year NBA referee, is facing a 25-year prison term after admitting he bet on games he officiated and pleading guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud and transmit gambling information across state lines.

Men’s professional tennis, which today should be celebrating Roger Federer’s near sweep of the four Grand Slam tournaments, continues to scrub but can’t remove the stain of a match-fixing scandal.

On the women’s side, Justine Henin split the Grand Slams with the Williams sisters, but those headlines couldn’t out-volley the news that Martina Hingis was retiring from the tour after testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon.

Forty years ago, young and rebellious Americans bonded over the motto, “Don’t Trust Anyone Over 30.”

In 2007, that sentiment was amended to “Don’t Trust Anyone Involved With Professional Sports.”

Certainly, Southern California sports fans learned that lesson the hard way.

On Jan. 11, the Galaxy, of all people, announced the $250-million signing of English soccer superstar David Beckham, of all things. Within minutes, Galaxy and Major League Soccer officials were talking about Beckham’s celebrity lifting MLS to previously unseen sights, of Beckham bringing about a new acceptance of soccer in America, of Beckham bombarding the mainstream consciousness with “SportsCenter” highlights of dazzling crosses and goals, of Beckham leading the Galaxy to the playoffs.

Everybody involved over-promised on everything.

Beckham arrived in the States as damaged goods in early July, having severely injured his ankle in helping Real Madrid win the Spanish championship. Beckham needed a couple of months to recover, but ESPN had been hyping a July 21 exhibition against Chelsea as the moment “Beckham Comes To America!” Common sense lost out again to commerce, Beckham made a second-half appearance in a meaningless game, was clattered by a legal Chelsea tackle, and walked off the field noticeably hobbling.

Beckham spent most of the rest of the season in the trainer’s room, appearing in only five MLS games for the Galaxy and not managing so much as a single shot on goal in those games. The Galaxy needed to go on a late-season tear to finish 9-14-7 and fifth place in a Western Conference race won by Home Depot Center rival Chivas USA.

Then there was Kobe Bryant. How does one sum up Bryant’s 2007 in 10,000 words or less? Bryant spent the first 10 months of the year taking trust-busting to an unprecedented level, leaving Lakers fans in a perpetual state of vertigo as he seemed to possess none of the usual filtering systems most people have when it comes to dealing with a stray and sudden thought.

Bryant spoke his mind, which seemed to change by the minute, and Los Angeles and the Lakers front office went reeling along for the ride. Bryant said he wanted out, said he wanted to stay, said he’d rather play for the Pluto Platinum Cardholders, said he wanted to remain a Laker for life.

Lakers fans didn’t know if Bryant was coming or going. Lakers officials tried to appease him by trying to trade for Kevin Garnett, a plot that was foiled when Kevin McHale -- current Minnesota Timberwolves vice president but Celtic For Life -- opted to gift-wrap an early Christmas present for the basketball fans in Boston.

The Lakers, however, receive bonus points for at least being smarter than the Galaxy. Through all of Bryant’s teeth-gnashing, Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak refused (was unable?) to trade 20-year-old center Andrew Bynum, although if Bryant had his way, Bynum now would be ushering in a new era in the Twin Cities or New Jersey.

The Lakers held on to Bynum, who has averaged 12.4 points and 10 rebounds as the Lakers began their 2007-08 season with a 19-10 record.

Meanwhile, in Clipperville, the kids down the hall are 9-19 with Elton Brand out because of a ruptured Achilles’ tendon. Since reaching the second round of the 2006 playoffs -- the franchise’s Dynasty Year! -- the Clippers are a cumulative 49-61.

The Dodgers and the Angels were Sports Illustrated’s preseason picks to play in the World Series, so we should have known where that was headed. But, no, we momentarily played along, long enough to get tricked into believing that the jinx might be junked at last.

The Dodgers teased everyone by leading the National League West through July 30, then vaporized over the lack of depth, a clubhouse leader and a front office unable to react to key injuries. The Dodgers lost 11 of their last 14 games during a shameless September, paving the way for a managerial overhaul -- Grady Little (82-80 in ‘07) out and Joe Torre (four World Series rings not enough for the Yankees) in.

The Angels played the role of Team of Destiny for much of the summer, getting 10 RBIs in one game from Garret Anderson, pulling away from the Seattle Mariners with a 9-3 late-August burst that included two victories at Fenway Park.

By the time the Angels reconvened in Boston for a first-round playoff series in October, they were a hollow echo of that August promise. Their lineup ravaged by injuries, the Angels were swept aside in three games, outscored by the eventual World Series champions, 19-4, and overshadowed by their 13-year-old hockey neighbors across the street.

The Ducks won the Stanley Cup.

Repeat: The Ducks won the Stanley Cup. They defeated Ottawa in the finals, 4 games to 1.

How can a sport that lets something like that happen ever be trusted again?

Actually, the Ducks’ title made sense for a hockey league that has not had a Canadian champion since 1993 -- and whose last three champions hail from Tampa Bay, Carolina and Anaheim.

(Trivia question for the kids: Name the team the Montreal Canadiens defeated in the 1993 Stanley Cup finals. Yes, believe it or not, it was the Kings, who have won precisely one playoff series since then and currently own the worst record in the NHL.)

The local colleges were a mixed bag, to say the least.

USC promised the moon this football season -- for at least Stanford Coach Jim Harbaugh did, flattering the Trojans with his maybe-the-best-team-ever preseason assessment of them. Turns out, Harbaugh was merely working an age-old mind game that played out brilliantly Oct. 6 at the Coliseum: 40-Point Underdog Stanford 24, Former Greatest Team of All-Time USC 23.

That was the most memorable upset in a college football season that will forever be remembered for the upsets (Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32). USC lost again within the month, to Oregon, but every legitimate BCS contender on the mainland (sorry, Hawaii) lost at least once.

The Stanford game unquestionably cost the Trojans a chance to play in the BCS title game, a matchup that belongs instead to LSU (11-2, 1-1 in its last two games) and Ohio State (11-1, also 1-1 in its last two games).

UCLA had 20 starters back from a team that defeated USC in 2006, so everybody got overheated about the Bruins’ chances in 2007. Everybody except Coach Karl Dorrell, who never appeared to get excited about anything, even when the Bruins kept losing in embarrassing fashion -- to Utah, to Notre Dame, to Washington State.

After six losses in 12 starts, Dorrell lost his job. Initially, this prompted a second wave of excitement among Bruins fans, but that was before everyone from Boise State’s coach to Temple’s coach said, “Uh uh, rather stay put.”

Twenty-six days after Dorrell was fired, UCLA announced a replacement: former UCLA quarterback Rick Neuheisel, despite controversial tenures at Colorado and Washington and ranking as the lone NFL offensive coordinator so far to lose this season to the Miami Dolphins. With one game left on their schedule, the Dolphins -- a.k.a. the Anti-Patriots -- are 1-14 only because of a Dec. 16 overtime victory over Neuheisel’s Baltimore Ravens.

Finally, during the 2006-07 men’s basketball season, local teams lived up to expectations.

UCLA returned to the Final Four, where it lost again to Florida, which returned to the champions podium after a final victory over Ohio State -- the same result that decided the college football title on Jan. 8.

USC also reached the NCAA tournament -- and advanced to the Sweet 16, where the Trojans opened a 16-point second-half lead over North Carolina. Unfortunately for USC, college basketball, unlike football, was rather staid and predictable en route to deciding its champion, its March decidedly devoid of madness this time around. North Carolina should not lose a regional semifinal to USC, so the Tar Heels didn’t -- rallying for a 74-64 victory.

Neither UCLA nor USC qualified for the College World Series. But Cal State Fullerton and UC Irvine did. Irvine, making its first appearance in Omaha since re-animating its baseball program in 2002, reached the semifinals. There the Anteaters lost to Oregon State, which repeated as champion.

As a region, L.A.-OC didn’t reach the highs of New England (Red Sox swept Colorado in World Series, Patriots struck fear into the entire NFL, Celtics opened the new season 25-3) or even Cleveland (Cavaliers lost to San Antonio in the NBA Finals, Indians couldn’t hold a 3-1 ALCS lead over Boston, Browns were reconfigured as a playoff contender). Then again, L.A.-OC wasn’t Atlanta, knowledge that has made this a relatively happy holiday season in the Southland.

Atlanta not only lost its pre-eminent superstar when Vick was jailed, but it also lost its proudest sports record -- Aaron’s home-run record -- amid a noxious cloud of steroids suspicion surrounding Bonds . . . and nearly 90 others mentioned in the Mitchell Report.

A team from Texas delivered the feel-good sports highlight of the year, a moment that had absolutely nothing to do with Tony Parker, Eva Longoria, Terrell Owens, Jerry Jones, Tony Romo or Jessica Simpson.

Trinity University, which plays Division III football, defeated Millsaps, 28-24, on a wild, final play that required 15 laterals. Fifteen laterals! The first was launched at the Millsaps 44 yards and the last enabled Riley Curry to cross the goal line 62 seconds after the ball was snapped from center.

In a word, the play was perfect.

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christine.daniels@latimes.com