‘The Fast and the Clueless’

“Speeders” is the name of a new Court TV reality show, but the first episode could just as well have been titled “The Fast and the Clueless.” In one segment, a Laguna Beach police officer pulled over a driver who said he’d had only two drinks even though he had just plowed through several traffic cones.

Drinks of what? “Modka, uh, vodka,” the motorist answered with a slurred voice.

The suspect was able to correctly recite only the first seven letters of the alphabet, but that, he explained, was because he hadn’t had much practice at that difficult task for “so many years.” Before he was arrested for drunk driving, he was asked by Officer Darin Germaine whether he had a college degree.

Yes, he did. In what? “Uh, in, in, speech communicam ... speech communications,” he responded.

“That’s not working real well for you right now,” observed Germaine.

“Speeders” (cont.): In another segment, a Glendale officer stopped a driver speeding on his way to the gym. The driver offered this non sequitur: “I just woke up.... I just got my shoes.” And the driver was sober.

Speaking of unusual excuses: The Beach Reporter newspaper said a man was lounging on the Hermosa Beach Pier when he realized someone was stealing his unlocked bicycle. When he confronted the suspect, the latter replied, “I thought it was a community bike.” The victim placed the suspect under citizen’s arrest until police arrived.

Instead of getting a community bike, perhaps the suspect will be given some community service.

Color them mad: Barry Nackos of L.A. noticed that the folks who run a Westside hardware store seem to be irritated by paint buyers who use one wall as a canvas (see photo).

Go, ahead, take a load off! Lew Flint of Studio City chanced upon an area that sounds like a slumber spot for hardworking DWP employees (see photo).Or maybe the “lay down” portion is related to the fact that the sign’s on Forest Lawn Drive.

Come to think of it: As for that DWP sign, a “lay down area” is actually a construction site where materials are stored.

Uncensored? Carol Cohn of Newport Beach saw a marquee advertising a version of a Disney movie that sounds quite a bit different than the one my son saw (see photo). Or was he keeping something from me?

Uh, thanks: Glenn and Cathy Burow of Somis pointed out that a property manager almost seemed to be saying in his ad that he allowed customers to cry on his shoulder for free (see accompanying).

miscelLAny: I guess you can’t be too safe these days. While searching on the Internet for material about a feline behavioral problem, Tim Hopkins came upon this passage: “How can I keep my kitten from biting? Questions and Answers from About Cats Neuter You and Your Cat.”

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.