Don’t bet the house (. . . or the Raiders)

Vikings over Falcons

* After two quarters of Tavaris Jackson and Joey Harrington, Vikings and Falcons call off the game, put “Madden ‘05” up on the stadium video board, and play Michael Vick versus Daunte Culpepper the rest of the day.

Rams over Panthers

* Rams haven’t been to the postseason since they threw one away to the Panthers in double overtime in January 2004 -- the game that finally rounded out Mike Martz’s Detroit Lions resume.

Broncos over Bills

* After some haggling, Broncos running back Travis Henry agrees to return to Buffalo only when Broncos management signs papers guaranteeing that this time, once the game’s over, he doesn’t have to stay.

Texans over Chiefs

* Did you know that in the American Football League’s inaugural season of 1960, the franchise now known as the Kansas City Chiefs was called the Dallas Texans? And the Texans and every other team in the AFL that season had better quarterbacks than Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Matt Schaub and Sage Rosenfels?

Redskins over Dolphins

* Fans in Miami and D.C. agree: There isn’t much here to see, but it beats watching the Marlins play the Nationals in September.

Patriots over Jets

* The Patriots appear express-mail stamped for the Super Bowl. Then again, Randy Moss could get mad when Tom Brady doesn’t spot him when he’s quasi-open jogging over the middle and storm off the field before the game ends, rent a bulldozer, and raze the Patriots training facility while screaming at the top of his lungs: “HEY BRADY! I’M OPEN NOW!” It could happen.

Eagles over Packers

* Incredible but true: The Packers are 6-12 in their last 18 games at Lambeau Field. One theory for this: The Packers get very distracted when Lambeau video board runs another one of those infernal “Brett Favre Retirement Updates” every time the team huddles.

Steelers over Browns

* Notre Dame fans still whining about the departure of their golden-haloed quarterback hero need to get over it and look at the Browns 2007 depth chart and smell the Irish coffee: Brady Quinn is third string in Cleveland!

Jaguars over Titans

* “And the coin comes up heads. Titans to receive. The Vince Young ‘Madden Cover Jinx’ Countdown To Season-Threatening Injury will commence in 45 seconds.”

Chargers over Bears

* Lots of people are calling this a “Super Bowl preview.” Except Sid Luckman isn’t quarterbacking the Bears, and Sid Gillman isn’t coaching the Chargers.

Lions over Raiders

* The Game That NFL Parity Forgot. Lions and Raiders thrilled to get a rare soft spot on their regular-season schedules.

Seahawks over Buccaneers

* Disheartened Mariners fans congregate at Qwest Field to watch Tampa Bay’s Jeff Garcia try to make the transition from long reliever to starter. In unison, Mariners fans shake their heads sadly from side to side.

Cowboys over Giants

* In a pregame meeting of erratic young quarterbacks, Tony Romo tells Eli Manning, “Sorry, man. I had this tape of Tiki Barber ripping you, I wanted you to hear it for yourself, but I couldn’t hold onto it.”

Bengals over Ravens

* Every time the Behind-Bars Bengals look across the line of scrimmage at Ray Lewis, they say to themselves, “How did we let that one get away?”

49ers over Cardinals

* We all know what happened the last time the Cardinals played on Monday night. The 49ers decide to show up in the third quarter and rally from a 23-3 deficit to win 24-23, causing the Cardinals to re-fire the already-fired Dennis Green, just because it makes them feel better.

-- Christine Daniels