Did you hear? They're gonna make another "Star Wars." As if moviegoers haven't suffered enough.
OK, sure, the original "Star Wars" was wonderful. Then again, that was 1977, I was young and living in Hawaii; I probably would've found "John Carter" entertaining then too.
OK, OK, the second "Star Wars" was pretty good too.
But by the third movie, I wanted to take a can opener and a cutting torch to those robots. Not to mention how that flick killed my love of teddy bears forever.
And the less said about the last three films (which really should have been the first three but weren't because George Lucas … oh, never mind) the better.
Seriously, about an hour before Anakin Skywalker officially became Darth Vader, I had already turned to the dark side. In fact, by the end, the only Jedi I was still rooting for was Yoda — and he's a puppet. It got so bad, I started daydreaming about what Chewbacca would look like as a throw rug.
And now there's gonna be a new one? Please. I'd rather have a root canal with a light saber.
Even worse, apparently Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher will reprise their roles in the new movie, which reportedly picks up about 30 years after the last one left off.
Now, not to be unkind, but have you seen Leia lately? Or Han? Let's just say that if you thought Emperor Palpatine aged badly, you haven't seen anything. And, of course, no one has seen Luke for a long time — his film career bearing a strange resemblance to the fate of the Jedi knights themselves.
But this being Hollywood, the studio big shots have a plan to attract the prized younger audience — you know, the millennials, the ones with no jobs but all of the disposable income because they're still living at home with Mom and Dad. (If you're not lucky enough to have little millennials of your own, you can check out Chris Erskine's column "The Middle Ages" in The Times to feel the pain.)
Anyway, apparently that odd guy from "Girls" is already signed to play a "Star Wars" villain. (He certainly has the necessary survival skills — even "Inside Llewyn Davis" couldn't kill his career.) No word yet on whether Lena Dunham and her other annoying co-stars will also come aboard; imagine, a whole cast of characters from the planet Whine and its neighboring planet, Tatoo(ine), both of which are located in the Casual Sex galaxy.
Why so down on "Star Wars" you ask? Or, as Yoda would say: "Much anger in this one, feel it I do."
It's Hollywood, Jake. There must be a couple hundred (thousand) people in this town with movie scripts. (Uh, in fact, I just happen to, ahem, have one or two lying around myself.) But those aren't good enough. No. They have to go and recycle stuff. Often, not even good stuff.
I mean, what's next, a remake of "Gilligan's Island"? With Lena Dunham as both the Skipper and Mary Ann?
We can do better. We don't need another "Star Wars." Go find the new "Star Wars." George Lucas was once a young guy with a dream. Surely there are other young guys, and gals, with dreams too. And no money — but a thirst for Malibu and Dom.
As for the "Star Wars" remake, well, back to Yoda:
"A bad idea this is, I fear."