Some Lighter Moments From the Class of ’87

Merry Christmas. Here are some selected one-liners from 1987:

Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears coach, on Jim McMahon’s off-season surgery: “The shoulder surgery was a success. The lobotomy failed.”

Bob Golic, Cleveland Browns’ nose tackle, on what would happen if the National Football League ban on steroids was enforced: “There would be a lot of offensive linemen playing indoor soccer next year.”

Rick Sund, Dallas Mavericks general manager, on a halftime show featuring a man juggling chain saws: “You have a turnover there and you’ve really got some trouble.”

Frank Broyles, Arkansas athletic director, asked if he would still like football Coach Ken Hatfield if the Razorbacks won only half of their games: “Sure I would. I’d miss him, too.”

Rod Laver, asked if he had played a tennis tournament in Orange, N.J., before: “I must have. I remember the bar across the street.”

Jim Valvano, North Carolina State basketball coach, on the $4,000 scholarship he donated to Rutgers, his alma mater: “There’s one stipulation. The recipient must have a higher grade point average than I did.”

Manute Bol, 7-6 Washington Bullets center, on going 692 minutes before registering his first assist of the season: “What do you expect? I’m not Magic Johnson.”

Steve Stone, Chicago Cubs announcer, on Tom Lasorda: “He has license plates that say, ‘Honk if you have groceries.’ ”

Norman Chad, Washington Post columnist, on basketball analyst Dick Vitale: “His voice could peel the skin off of a potato.”

Ray Perkins, new coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, asked if his wife objected to his 18-hour workdays: “I don’t know. I don’t see her that much.”

Charlie Kerfeld, Houston Astros pitcher, on what he does on his days off: “I go out and do what we call back home slam dancing--go out and butt our heads and stuff like that.”

Darlene Beckford, U.S. distance runner, on 36-year-old Maricica Puica, the Olympic 3,000-meter champion: “She’s no spring chicken, but she can haul.”

Jerry Willard, Oakland Athletics catcher, told by the trainer to gargle with warm water: “Where do you buy that stuff?”

Lee Trevino, 47-year-old golfer: “You know the first three things that go for a golfer? His nerves, his memory and I can’t remember the third.”

Chi Chi Rodriguez, senior golfer, to a photographer who had taken at least 20 pictures of him: “Hey, who do you work for, the post office?”

Ruth Rothfarb, 86, on why she didn’t think she could break her personal record in the Royal Marathon at Bangkok, Thailand: “You lose an awful lot of speed between 80 and 86.”