Five Weeks That Were Are Tough to Accept
Five weeks out of the country can do strange things to a guy.
When I left for the World Cup, evidently I lost all touch with what was going on back home. For example, I just got a phone call from my friend, Kay Talk. This is not her real name. I call her Kay Talk because she talks more than an all-news radio station.
“Glad you’re back,” Kay said. “Did you enjoy the soccer?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Did you?”
“Oh, sure,” she said. “I especially liked the game where somebody scored a goal. I forget when it was. June-something.”
“So, what else is new?” I made the mistake of asking.
“Well, how about all those no-hitters?” Kay asked.
“What no-hitters?”
“Whaddaya mean, ‘What no-hitters?’ Seven of them. Seven no-hitters.”
“Get outta here.”
“No, seriously.”
“There haven’t been seven no-hitters in seven years,” I said.
“Wanna bet?”
“Yeah? No-hitters by who?”
“Whom. Well, Fernando, for one.”
“Fernando whom?”
“Who. Whaddaya mean, ‘Fernando who?’ How many Fernandos you know?”
“Well, you can’t mean Valenzuela.”
“Why not?”
“Because before I left, Fernando Valenzuela couldn’t have no-hit Bakersfield.”
“Well, he no-hit St. Louis,” Kay said.
“St. Louis who?”
“And Nolan Ryan threw a no-hitter, too.”
“That I believe.”
“That guy is RoboPitcher, man.”
“Who else?”
“Uh, Andy Hawkins threw one.”
“In what league?”
“Against the White Sox. Except he lost, 4-0.”
“A guy threw a no-hitter and lost, 4-0? I don’t understand.”
“He pitches for the Yankees.”
“Now I understand.”
“Oh, and then there were the Perez brothers.”
“What about the Perez brothers?”
“Melido Perez of the White Sox threw a no-hitter, just like his brother Pascual once did.”
“Two brothers threw no-hitters?”
“Yeah. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard?”
“Are they Siamese twins?”
“No.”
“Then it’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Neither game went longer than seven innings.”
“Did Melido’s involve the Yankees?”
“Yes.”
“If you had to play for the Yankees, would you want to play longer than seven innings?”
“Good point.”
“Anything else happen?”
“Well, Whitey Herzog quit.”
“As manager of the St. Louis Cardinals?”
“No, as manager of a 7-Eleven. Of course as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals.”
“Why? Because they got no-hit by Fernando?”
“I don’t think so. Oh, and Jack McKeon’s not the manager in San Diego anymore.”
“Did he trade himself?”
“No. But there was a rumor that San Diego was going to trade for Bo Jackson.”
“In what sport?”
“Baseball.”
“Well, I don’t blame them. Bo’s an All-Star.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“He isn’t?”
“No, Bo didn’t make the All-Star team. Matter of fact, nobody who’s anybody made the All-Star team.”
“Who did make the All-Star team?”
“Jeff Brantley. Gregg Olson. Some other Greg Olson. Rob Dibble. Sandy Alomar. Jack Armstrong . . . “
“No, seriously.”
“I am serious.”
“You picked those names out of the phone book.”
“No, I picked those names out of the All-Star game box score.”
“I’ve heard of more guys on the Argentine soccer team.”
“I’ll bet.”
“Was it a no-hitter?”
“No, but you’re close.”
“How did Devon White do?”
“Devon White’s in the minors.”
“How about Mark Langston?”
“Langston’s won four games.”
“What place are the Angels in--eighth?”
“They’re still behind Oakland and the White Sox.”
“The White Sox?”
“Yeah. Even Oakland was behind the White Sox last week.”
“Uh oh. Those White Sox must be fixing things with the gamblers again.”
“What?”
“Have any Oakland players come into a lot of money lately?”
“Well, Jose Canseco did get $23.5 million.”
“From Oakland? Oakland doesn’t have $23.5 million. If Oakland had $23.5 million, it would have pro football.”
Kay said: “That’s about all you missed while you were gone.”
“OK.”
“I assume you already heard about Pat Riley quitting the Lakers, Hale Irwin winning the U.S. Open and Martina Navratilova winning Wimbledon.”
“Yeah, right,” I said. “And Magic Johnson joined the Peace Corps, Jack Nicklaus became a Hare Krishna and Steffi Graf is mud-wrestling at the Tropicana.”
“No, seriously.”
“Sure.”
“And did you hear about the trouble in Detroit?”
“Did it have anything to do with the Perez brothers?” I asked.
