Will Titans Give Till It Hurts?

Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s gymnastics and women’s volleyball as part of a re-shifting of priorities within the school’s athletic department.

“We came to the conclusion that we were trying to be too many things to too many people,” Athletic Director Bill Shumard said. “We want to try to emphasize what we do particularly well.”

Ironically, Fullerton remains committed to Division I-A football. The Fullerton football team has won one Division I-A game in the last two years and the team it defeated, Cal State Long Beach, immediately dropped its football program afterward, presumably out of shame.

By cutting gymnastics and volleyball, Fullerton’s financially strapped athletic program will save about $150,000 annually. These are the fifth and sixth interscholastic sports the school has dropped since 1981, but Shumard maintained they would be the last.

“There are no other dominoes to fall,” Shumard said.

FULLERTON, Feb. 26, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s track and field when its massive countywide fund-raising drive reported nearly $200,000 in defaulted pledges.

“This is a sad day for Cal State Fullerton athletics,” said Athletic Director Bill Shumard, “but we were counting on that money. We have a football team to field this fall. We have football stadium to fill this fall. We, as an athletic department, have had to establish a new set of priorities in this time of budgetary crisis and track and field, unfortunately, was found lacking.

“By the way,” Shumard added, “we remain committed to Division I-A football.”

FULLERTON, March 29, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s and women’s fencing because the football team needs new playbooks.

“Coach Murphy is switching to the option next season,” Athletic Director Bill Shumard said, “which should make our football team more competitive, which is a priority for all of us at Cal State Fullerton. Our football players have a new, complex offensive system to learn, a system that needs to be printed, bound and distributed in hard cover.

“Sadly, some sacrifices must be made.”

FULLERTON, April 22, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s and women’s cross-country because the football team needs new kicking tees and nobody cares about cross-country anyway.

FULLERTON, May 18, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s soccer and women’s track and field because the football team is scheduled to play UCLA in September and wants to rent better buses for the ride to the Rose Bowl.

“These are the same buses USC uses,” an excited unnamed Fullerton official said. “Air conditioning, restroom, sound system, the works. You want to play big-time football, you better look big-time football.”

FULLERTON, June 20, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping wrestling because football Coach Gene Murphy is short on linemen and needs all the strong guys he can find.

FULLERTON, July 19, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping women’s tennis so the football team can plant hedges behind the sidelines of its new on-campus stadium.

“We saw them when we went back to play Georgia and we thought they were pretty cool,” one Fullerton player said. “Georgia has hedges, we want hedges, too.”

FULLERTON, Aug. 11, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping the rest of its women’s sports programs so the school can afford a marching band to play at halftime during home football games.

“We asked them to play Clemson, Georgia, LSU, and they did,” said one prominent booster within the community. “We asked them to build a stadium and they did. We asked them for a marching band, because who among us can ever get enough of ‘Ease On Down The Road’? We’re on a roll.”

The search for a band director will begin immediately.

As for the dozens of female athletes displaced by the move, one Fullerton official commented, “Well, they can all come to our football games now. We’ll put on a nice halftime show for them.”

FULLERTON, Sept. 17, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping men’s basketball because the school wants to build luxury boxes inside its newly opened on-campus football stadium.

“All the big-time football schools have ‘em,” one Fullerton official said. “Besides, we still haven’t found a new basketball coach yet. This gets us out of that.

“And let’s face it: Basketball here peaked with Leon Wood. We had Leon on the bench last season, but what good did it do? He’s out of eligibility.”

FULLERTON, Oct. 12, 1992--Cal State Fullerton today announced it was dropping baseball, leaving football as the school’s only intercollegiate sport.

“We always wanted to be known as a football school,” exclaimed one exuberant booster.

Baseball became expendable because the Fullerton football program recently bought into home-and-home contracts with UCLA, USC, Miami, Washington and Nebraska. It was a surprising move, considering Augie Garrido’s storied success at the north Orange County school, but as one booster put it, “What’s Augie done lately? Two World Series titles and then what? He hasn’t won a thing since ’84.”

The booster was dancing with a Titan football helmet on his head, backward, and a blue-and-orange “EAT PIGSKIN AND DIE!” T-shirt on his chest.

After the press conference, Athletic Director Bill Shumard sat alone, head in his hands, slumped in a chair. He was asked what this decision meant for the future of Cal State Fullerton athletics.

“There are no other dominoes to fall,” he said.