Predicting by the Seats of Their Diapers

Our apologies to Madame Paula, the Santa Ana psychic who provided cosmic guidance through last fall’s football playoffs (and went out of business soon after), but we’re going it alone this time.

That’s right. No crystal ball. No star charts. No midnight snack of milk and fortune cookies. Just our low-budget forecast--Blue Plate predictions, if you will--for the upcoming Southern Section playoffs.

We start with . . .

Wayne’s World. Wayne Merino, that is, Artesia’s controversial boys’ basketball coach. Last year, several Orange County coaches were infuriated when Merino allowed six junior high school boys--many of them standout players--to sit on the Pioneers’ bench during Artesia’s Southern Section title game against Woodbridge. A blatant violation of the section’s undue influence rule, coaches said. Merino must be stopped.

Prediction: Merino, whose team is seeded second in Division II-AA, will return to the title game, only to be pelted with Pampers every time his team scores.

Tuning in to Trabuco Hills. . . . The Mustangs are 20-5 and top-seeded in Division II-A, thanks to Australian import Gavin Vanderputten. The 6-10 center will lead his mates to the final, no problem. Except . . .

With a minute to go in the championship game, officials call a timeout. Vanderputten, who’s scored 99 points, is led to the sideline and asked to explain the brownish-black sticky substance on his palms. A hush falls over the crowd. Vegamite, Vanderputten confesses. An old Outback trick. Makes for better hook shots.

As their former hero is led away, Trabuco Hills fans boo and hiss. Some gather to burn their collection of Midnight Oil albums. Others hang stuffed koala bears in effigy.

At Savanna, fiery first-year Coach Greg Haskell will lead his Rebels to the quarterfinals of Division II-A only to flee the gym during halftime after discovering a gray hair on his 25-year-old head.

After much contemplation, Haskell decides he doesn’t want to end up like Western Coach Greg Hoffman, turns in his whistle and clipboard and moves to Borneo to study ancient methods of basket weaving.

Meanwhile, Hoffman volunteers to coach both teams simultaneously, somehow turns ordinary players into scrappy standouts, and inaugurates the annual Greg Haskell Basket Case Award.

In girls’ hoops, Peninsula, 25-0 and the No. 1 team in the nation according to USA Today, will not only win State and section titles, but will receive a dinner invitation to the White House.

Unfortunately, routine background checks by Secret Service agents will reveal Peninsula is not the conglomeration of Rolling Hills, Palos Verdes and Miraleste high schools as most believed. Instead, it is a landmass located within the Bermuda Triangle, where spirits of former NBA stars come back to life as teen-age girls.

Section Commissioner Stan Thomas calls for an investigation into the program, but the investigation is called off after Peninsula players and coaches vanish into thin air during a preliminary hearing.

In boys’ soccer, Saddleback and Corona del Mar will meet in the 1-A final.

The last time these teams met, in the Sea View League finale two weeks ago, Corona del Mar came to the Saddleback campus armed with security guards and several patrol cars, claiming some of the players had received death threats by telephone. Aside from insult to Saddleback, that game was played without incident and Saddleback won, 4-3.

Prediction: In the championship game, Corona del Mar will hold Saddleback to a scoreless tie through halftime. That changes in the second half, when the Sea Kings, dragged down by the weight of their flak jackets, eventually tire and lose, 5-zip.

Then, the easy ones: Mater Dei boys win I-A; Gary McKnight says he’s shocked. Brea-Olinda girls win III-AA; Mark Trakh thinks about moving on but doesn’t. And Tustin Coach Tom McCluskey? During a particularly grueling game, he pulls a jaw muscle--what else?

Don’t believe it? Then ask Nostradamus.