THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : Barkley Hits From Lip, but Not the Field

The case for tranquilizer darts: Two years ago, Charles Barkley made a run at most valuable player, denying all the while he had matured.

When he’s right, he’s right.

Last week, our hero served himself up like a roast pig with an apple in its mouth. He attributed criticism for his ripping teammates, bar fighting and shot selection to racism.

In truth, racism does exist, his teammates aren’t very good and he didn’t start the fights.

But shot selection?

That’s not his best issue.

The latest saga started when Barkley bricked a three-pointer at the end of a loss to the Bulls.

Philadelphia Coach Jim Lynman said it wasn’t the shot he wanted.

To which Barkley replied, the 76ers could “trade me or kiss my . . .

“The (Philadelphia) Inquirer, the Daily News have been on my back. Everything I do is wrong. They want their black athletes to be Uncle Toms. I told you white boys you’ve never heard of a ‘90s nigger. We do what we want to do.”

Of course, Philadelphia talk shows went berserk, splitting generally along racial lines.

Whites blasted Barkley and often affirmative action, too, raising the question of whether he would merely take his team down or the city, too.

Lynam’s objection can be explained better by mathematics than sociology.

Barkley was shooting 24% from three-point range.

Not that he had quit trying those shots. Since Jan. 14, he had taken 51, missing 42.

At that distance, he was the lowest-shooting 76er aside from Manute Bol, Charles Shackleford, Armon Gilliam, Mitchell Wiggins and Brian Oliver.

Actually, the 76ers and the Philadelphia press corps doted on Barkley until he went beyond “controversial” and buried the needle in “indefensible.”

Philadelphia reporters are still fond of Barkley. When he isn’t comparing them to Simon Legree, he’s friendly, funny and entirely likable.

However his lucid spells are getting shorter and shorter.

We have waited for the onset of maturity, but at 29 he seems to be regressing.

It’s unlikely he would try therapy, although if he did, the shrinks might auction him off to the highest bidder, simply for the publishing rights.

He’s too big to spank.

The 76ers are said to be resigned to trading him.

They have already tried the other of his suggested alternatives.

REGRETS? HE’S HAD A FEW

. . . but then again, too few to mention.

Victories in the 76ers’ next two games failed to mellow Barkley, who remarked in midweek: “I would just like to hear once that I’m not the reason we’re losing. I’m not even in the top five.

“These unprintables (teammates) will look for cop-outs. Don’t ask none of these guys. They’re happy to say my bar fight and my book distracted them.”

EAST: BEASTIE BOYS

The East has only five teams above .500, and someone has to make the playoffs.

The contenders for the last three spots, by record at the weekend’s start:

76ers--For a review of their chemistry, see above.

Atlanta Hawks--Dropping like a rock without Dominique Wilkins and would have to turn it around again to make the cut.

Indiana Pacers--Making their usual late push. They are 15-8 since finding a lineup, with non-scorers Chuck Dreiling and LaSalle Thompson balancing Reggie Miller and Chuck Person. They need to leave a wake-up call before Valentine’s Day--and find a taker for Person.

Miami Heat--Comebacks R Not Us. The young Heat lost by an NBA-record 68 points at Cleveland, by 42 at Chicago and nine more by 20 on the road. The book is, win the center jump and you have ‘em.

New Jersey Nets--They looked great until their 0-4 West Coast swing. Included was a loss to the slump-mired Lakers, who had played the night before in Portland while the Nets rested in Los Angeles. In Seattle, with nine players suited up, Derrick Coleman got himself ejected in eight minutes. They still should make it.

Milwaukee Bucks--Old, tired, preparing to break up this team and start over.

ROTISSERIE FEVER

It’s true, I’m a rotisserie league junkie.

My wife thought it was nice I finally had a hobby other than changing TV channels, until she saw what was involved. I’m not saying I take it seriously, but our league had 16 trades and I made 15 of them.

We’ve got another guy who stopped his newspaper subscription because he was waking up at 6 a.m. to read the boxscores.

A former member, a copy editor, was once found at 4 a.m. working on an eight-team trade involving 25 players. Warning: If you catch yourself working on anything bigger than a three-teamer, consider seeking professional help.

Our league is a poor thing compared to the high-power outfit in New York that has player auctions, a salary cap, an independent company keeping the records, a 900 number to call for injury and statistical updates (only 35 cents per minute) and a contract with Bantam Books to publish an annual account of the season.

Of course, with increasing complexity comes increasing neurosis.

Last year, the league was riven with charges and countercharges of collusion and breaches of decency.

The Superegos, two doctors, were incensed at a Deli Llamas trade of Shawn Kemp, Johnny Newman, Danny Ferry and Wayman Tisdale for John Stockton, James Worthy, Charles Oakley and Roy Tarpley.

“Obnoxious and immoral” were the first words spoken by Kent Sepkowitz of the Superegos, a respected physician whose first words are usually ‘Take two aspirin and sent me $50 in the morning,” wrote the Deli Llamas in the annual publication.

Unamused, the Superegos quit the league.

The Deli Llamas are Alan Richman, a writer for Gentlemen’s Quarterly, and David Hirshey, an editor at Esquire.

Hirshey says Richman may spend hours a day on the phone proposing trades and calls him affectionately “the Charles Manson of rotisserie.”

Says Hirshey: “His boss has called me to ask me when that rotisserie draft is. He said, ‘We need Alan to come back to us.’ ”

If you know of any amusing quirks, mail them in. It might be therapeutic. The mind/marriage/life you save could be your own.

FACES AND FIGURES

Maybe he’s not the man for the job: Sacramento King interim Coach Rex Hughes, coming off the floor after a loss to the Warriors, yelled: “ . . . Golden State!” then caught sight of Warrior publicist Julie Marvel and cursed at her, too. . . . Hughes, until recently a pleasant assistant coach, amassed 13 technical fouls in 34 games. Club President Rick Benner called him in. Hughes said he was feeling the pressure of interim status. Hughes has no chance of being named permanently, for which he should thank heaven. . . . You can’t get the scores on TV without hearing someone call some once-forlorn bunch called “the team nobody wants to meet in the playoffs.” Last year, it was the Houston Rockets--who lost in three games to the Lakers. . . .

Teams you really don’t want to meet in the playoffs: The Portland Trail Blazers have won seven games in a row and are tearing off long scoring bursts as they once did. Said Coach Rick Adelman: “The only problem I have with this season is everyone saying how disappointing we are. We’re not smart, we’re not this or that. The last time I looked at the Western Conference standings, we had the best record. I really think the best is yet to come for us.” The Chicago Bulls were supposed to have been in a funk, but when they feel like showing somebody something, somebody’s in trouble. They did a destruction job on the Boston Celtics last week, going ahead, 37-13, after one quarter and rolling up a 43-point lead.

The Bulls have beaten the Celtics by 22, 19 and 34 points. “They’re still a real macho team,” Chicago’s Bill Cartwright said. “They don’t want to double-team Michael (Jordan) or Scottie (Pippen), and as a result, they’re going to get beat.” . . . Pippen, on Boston’s Larry Bird, who missed 11 of 15 shots. “That’s not the Larry Bird I guarded my first year or two in the league. You can see his back is bothering him. He still thinks the game. He’s just not as good as he used to be.” . . . Skeptic: Phoenix’s Cotton Fitzsimmons on the Bulls: “Taking nothing away from the Eastern Conference, but I can only relate to what the Chicago people said to me. They said if they played out here, they would be more concerned with getting 60 wins rather than 70. Everyone keeps saying how good Chicago is, and they are good, but I don’t see anyone in the West shaking in their boots from fear of them the way they used to fear the Lakers.”

Winners, losers: Barkley and Pippen asked to miss practice the day before the Bull-76er game to film a Coca-Cola commercial together. Philadelphia’s Jim Lynam said yes. Chicago’s Phil Jackson said no. . . . Grown-up: Pooh Richardson, on playing for the Minnesota Timberwolves: “You’ve got to make sacrifices in your lifetime, and this is one of them.” . . . Rolando Blackman on the Dallas Mavericks’ fall: “Remember the ski jumper they used to show on ‘Wide World of Sports’? The guy who crashed on the way down while they talked about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat? That’s us right now, the agony of defeat.” . . . Coach’s perspective: U.S. Olympic boss Chuck Daly on suggestions, since disavowed, that the Australians might boycott because of Magic Johnson: “The first thing I thought was, it was one less team to beat.”