They Are the Gutter Balls of Bowling : BOWL BOTCHERS

It’s easy to believe those rumors about Bo Schembechler coming out of retirement. After all, his image as one of the game’s great bowl-botchers is beginning to fade.

Nebraska’s Tom Osborne, with an 0-22 drubbing by Miami in the last Orange Bowl, crept to within one bowl loss of the NCAA record (12) held by Bo and Bear Bryant. And Osborne figures to notch No. 12 against Florida State in the Orange Bowl, especially since the Seminoles’ Bobby Bowden is 11-3 in postseason games.

Also closing fast is Brigham Young’s LaVell Edwards, who has a chance to notch disappointment No. 11 in the Aloha Bowl. The versatile Edwards can become the first coach to lose in six postseason locales, having already been crushed in Citrus, Fiesta, All-American, Freedom and Holiday bowls.

The rankings:

Boob, School Boob’s Record* Bowl 1. McCartney (Colorado) 1-5, .167 Fiesta 2. Dooley, B. (Wake Forest)** 2-7, .222 Independence 3. Mackovic (Texas) 1-3, .250 None 4. Edwards (BYU) 5-10-1, .333 Aloha 5. Smith (USC) 2-4-1, .333 Freedom 6. Welsh (Virginia) 3-5, .375 None 7. Fry (Iowa) 5-7-1, .417 None 8. Osborne (Nebraska) 8-11, .421 Orange 9. Nehlen (West Va.) 3-4, .429 None 10. Mallory (Indiana) 4-5, .444 None

* Coaches’ records includes thrashings suffered at previous schools.

** Retiring after Independence Bowl to avoid increasing his bowl-loss total.

Bowl Botchers Hall of Fame: Schembechler (5-12), Doug Dickey (2-7), Fred Akers (2-8), Bryant (15-12).

All-Time Bowl-Botching Brothers: Bill and Vince Dooley (10-15 between them).

THE PROS

Now that the NFL campaign is almost half over--the playoffs are still to come, remember--it’s interesting to peruse the team’s preseason media guides for hints that we should have noticed.

You knew, for instance, that the Cleveland Browns didn’t have much to brag about this year when their guide pointed out: “Elvis Presley loved football, and his favorite team was the Browns.”

The Raiders’ guide asserted: “The past has been glorious, but the greatness of the Raiders is in its future.” No mention there about the present.

Then there was the Phoenix Cardinal guide, which credited this accomplishment to General Manager Larry Wilson: “He also instigated the Cardinals’ change to red pants in 1990.” No doubt Wilson will want that on his tombstone.

Some other shocking sights and revelations from the team’s publicity machines:

PRESS GUIDE PRATTLE

* 1. Chicago Bears: Has nine photos of Coach Mike Ditka on cover--none smiling, for good reason, as it turns out.

* 2. New England Patriots: Notes that owner James Orthwein “has hunted at a St. Louis club for 55 years, including 35 years as master of foxhounds.” Obviously he’s used to dogs.

* 3. Green Bay Packers: Says of rookie coach Mike Holmgren: “At 6-5, he is the tallest head coach in Packer annals.” (No mention that he might also be the most portly.)

* 4. Cleveland Browns: Lists one of owner Art Modell’s “career highlights” as his decision to volunteer “the Browns to play in the first ‘second’ Thanksgiving Day game at Dallas.”

* 5. Rams: Proudly lists “dynamic” owner Georgia Frontiere’s advisory board of great football minds, including comic Bob Hope (as if the players don’t supply enough laughs), composer Henry Mancini, former First Daughter Maureen Reagan, Michael Wayne (the Duke’s son) and Lord David Westbury of the “House of Lords, London, England.”

* 6. San Diego Chargers: Notes that “in 1987 (owner Alex) Spanos was inducted into the Stockton Athletic Hall of Fame.”

* 7. Washington Redskins: Reveals that owner Jack Kent Cooke is “a lover of the English language.”

* 8. Denver Broncos: States that owner Pat Bohlen’s “immediate goal heading into the 1991 campaign is to put the Broncos back on track. . . .” The 1991 campaign? Yup, someone forgot to update the boss’ bio.

* 9. Dallas Cowboys: Devotes a page to its cheerleading squad, which is described as a “world famous organization” and “an international phenomenon.” Includes roster divided into “veterans” and “rookies.”

* 10. Raiders: Talks of the team’s “monumental rise during the last 29 years to the very top of the professional sports world.” If you consider fourth place in the AFC West the top of the sports world.