You Could Not Learn These Dances From Arthur Murray

San Francisco Chronicle columnist Scott Ostler says that he’s taking “touchdown” dance lessons to emulate celebrating NFL players.

“I was going to take sack, because it’s such a graceful and elegant dance,” Ostler writes. “But it seems to me, and I could be wrong, that there aren’t that many places you can use the sack dance.

“With sack, you’re pretty much limited to dancing when someone falls down and can’t get up. And it’s my observation that when someone falls, be it on an icy sidewalk, or down a mall escalator, or whatever, you’ll always find party poopers who feel that dancing is inappropriate.

“They’ll make snide remarks like, ‘Hey, stop dancing and let the paramedics through.’ ”

Trivia time: What is the Rose Bowl record for the longest kickoff return?

Bowe’s bums: Washington Post columnist Shirley Povich, commenting on Riddick Bowe’s six-fight package for $100 million:

“The cast of characters HBO has lined up as Bowe’s opponents offers, as a group, a pungency that smacks of Joe Louis’ well remembered Bum-of-the-Month Club.”

X’s and O’s: Alabama Coach Gene Stallings played for Bear Bryant and was an assistant on Tom Landry’s Dallas Cowboy staff. He compared the two men:

“(Landry) was extremely organized. He researched every point on offense and defense. He was just really knowledgeable about the game of football. His X’s and O’s were better than anybody’s X’s and O’s.

“On the other hand, Coach Bryant was more of a people person. His X’s and O’s were not any better than anyone else’s--but his players thought they were.”

Minor detail: From Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle: “A Ralph Kiner-ism left over from the baseball season. Kiner, a Mets’ announcer, was trying to say something nice about catcher Todd Hundley, a .200 hitter. ‘The only thing bothering him as a hitter,’ said Kiner, ‘is making contact.’ ”

Trojan heritage: Fresno State defensive end Nick Serfas is the nephew of Ernie Serfas, a USC distance runner in the 1940s. Uncle Ernie said that Nick grew up as a Trojan fan, but figured he would get more playing time at Fresno.

Say it in song: Michael Young, a former UCLA wide receiver who was cut by the Denver Broncos, has been a guest on a weekly radio show, according to Pro Football Weekly.

Young recently dedicated some songs to Denver Coach Dan Reeves, who was fired Monday: “You’re Cold as Ice,” and “Head Games.”

Trivia answer: 102 yards by UCLA’s Al Hoisch in the 1947 game against Illinois.

Quotebook: Wyoming basketball Coach Benny Dees, talking about his team’s ballhandling: “We’re likely to turn the thing over in a telephone booth with nobody in there with us.”