Whether in Praise or Scorn, the Customers Always Write

We get letters. They come with the job. Fortunately or unfortunately.

Stand back. You might not want to get any on you.

“Jim,

“From the opening line to the last, I found your 8/10 column on Gabriela Sabatini condescending and insulting.

“It sounds as if, deep down, you would rather girls & women stayed home & left sports to the boys. Unless, perhaps, she happens to be ugly. . .”

(Unsigned)

“Dear Editor,

“Jim Murray’s opening remarks in his 8/9 (sic) article on Gabrila (sic) Sabatini were disgusting. Did handing her a tennis racquet really make her less attractive--or just more intimidating to insecure men like Murray? Murry (sic) would probably be surprised to learn that mature men actually think achievement enhances beauty.”

(Name withheld on request)

Dear Mr. Murray:

“I am writing a belated letter regarding your pathetic article on Gabriella (sic) Sabatini. Your pitiful commentary typifies men who see women only for their physical sexual attraction. . . . You can sit around and stare at pinups of Sharon Stone or join the 20th Century, so you can be ready for the 21st.”

(Name withheld on request)

Orange, Calif.

--Lord, you people are tiresome. Tell me, don’t you have any sense of humor whatsoever?

“Dear Jim:

“I am a fan and I have suffered with the Dodgers. But are they building? And, if so, what year do you think a pennant is possible for them?”

(Name illegible)

-- 1988.

“Dear Jim:

“I hear Notre Dame is ‘loaded.’ Do you think any team in the country could beat them this year?

J. Sanford

--Oh, yeah. The Dallas Cowboys. And maybe the 49ers. But don’t give any points.

“Dear Mr. Murray,

“Does Baseball need a commissioner?”

Randall Crake

--Does Attica need a warden? Did Custer need a scout? Does a ship need a rudder?

“Dear Mr. Murray,

“I’m thinking of going into journalism. Is there any word of advice you can give me?”

David Stein

--Well, David, some years ago, Tim Turner, an old-time nomadic newsman, gave a young writer this piece of guidance: “Son, the newspaper business is like sex. When it’s good--it’s terrific! And when it’s bad--it’s pretty good!”

“Do you think Riddick Bowe will become one of the great heavyweight champions of all in time?”

Doug from Downey

-- Who?

“Does Pernell Whitaker have a chance against Julio Cesar Chavez?”

Marty Carnas

--Well, as a fight manager of my acquaintance put it, “Chavez ain’t invincible, it’s just that you can’t beat him.”

“I have been reading your columns for years. Is there any place I can get a collection of them for my library?”

John Morehouse

--Sure. But don’t you think you’ve suffered enough?

“Jim Murray,

“So, now you love rodeos.

“You did read, Jim, that 55,000 Ole Miss fans watched the castration of a young animal and shrieked and laughed during its ordeal?

“Not a word from Jim.

“So, now you’re selling tickets for the Forum’s “Great” Western Rodeo and relating . . . cruelty to animals. I recall you from the first Sports Illustrateds, Jim. You were a fine writer.

“Now, you’re a salesman.”

John Bull

Malibu

--Maybe so, John, but the last time I looked, castration wasn’t a rodeo event. And by the way, it was performed at Mississippi State, not Mississippi, and before the football team, not a stadium full of fans. “Dear Mr. Murray:

“You have correctly identified big-time college football as the equivalent of triple-A (baseball). If these are not student activities, universities are not properly their sponsors. “It would be more honest to pay the players negotiated wages and have the teams sponsored by national breweries or sportswear manufacturers . . . or the NFL teams for whom they are a farm system. . . . College athletic departments could concentrate on improving the bodies and health of bona fide students who are going to be the nation’s executives, merchants, doctors, etc.”

Bernard S. Krause

Oxnard

--What! Don’t you care about the Green Bay Packers? Who needs executives, merchants, doctors, etc. on the Green Bay Packers? If they had to subsidize college teams, it would eat up--oh, 10% of the billions they get from television. Have a heart, Bernard!

“Dear Jim Murray,

“I have been living in Mexico for the past 20 years.

“Is Nolan Ryan the same pitcher who used to wear glasses and had a reputation for throwing beanballs? I mean, he threw that sucker in with alarming regularity!”

Marilyn Allen

Yucaipa

--No, Marilyn, that was Ryne Duren. If Nolan Ryan had to wear glasses, no one would ever come to bat against him.

“Dear Jim,

“Do you think John Robinson is crazy when he says he will beat Notre Dame and UCLA?”

Carl Arbenz

--Well, you notice he didn’t say he’d beat North Carolina. By and large, it’s safer to say you’ll beat Oregon State.

“Jim,

“My goal is to take your place some day.”

Leland Stein III

Sports columnist/writer

Riverside

--Whoa, Leland! Do you think you could wait a few weeks? I need the money.

Well, that’s enough for now. Call your mother.