Some Reasons to Spend Day With Our Rams

And now, the end is near. One more Ram game in Orange County and that is all, according to the whistling winds blowing west to east toward St. Louis. One more game, between the 4-11 Rams and the 2-13 Washington Redskins--on Christmas Eve, yet--and that’s it.

See you later.

Happy holidays.

Hate to lose and run, but, well, you know how it goes.

If this is really goodby, if the Rams are 90%-going-on-100% Missouri-bound, why should anyone bother to attend the send-off? The season’s gone. The coach’s gone. The franchise’s gone.

Give me one good reason why I should spend the day before Christmas at Anaheim Stadium, watching the nightmare before Christmas, you say.

Well, all right . . .

* Drive to home games will be much longer next year.

* History is at hand: Rams are favored!

* Last chance to play “Guess The Rams’ First Offensive Play From Scrimmage, As Called By Chick Harris.” (Hint: Rhymes with “lettuce off tackle.”)

* Last chance to be a Melonhead. Prepare your headgear by hollowing out a standard-sized watermelon (large honeydew for children). Scoop out fruit into pulpy, perfectly spherical melon balls. Place melon balls in zip-lock plastic bags. Bring melon balls to game. Fling melon balls at window of John Shaw’s private suite.

* Who doesn’t have $30 lying around this time of year?

* You went to the last Disneyland Pigskin Classic. You’re planning to go to the last Freedom Bowl. You want the Triple Crown.

* Many leading psychologists recommend a little pre-Christmas depression to balance the post-Christmas depression.

* Chance to sell out the place before Shaw and Georgia do.

* Two words: Cinnamon rolls!

* Raid the souvenir stand. “Los Angeles Rams” merchandise is going to be as hip one day as Brooklyn Dodgers jerseys and Kansas City Monarchs baseball caps.

* Fun On The View Level: Play “ ‘Shaw’ And Other Four-Letter Words That Immediately Come To Mind” with the people sitting around you.

* Jerome Bettis’ “1,000 Yards Or Bust” campaign (marked down from “2,000 Yards Or Bust”). Yards to go: 23. Last week, it was 30. The week before, it was 53. The week before that, it was 106. It could go down to the 24th or 25th carry.

* Last chance to raise a strawberry daiquiri toast to the old coach, Chuck Knox, who is finishing his 22nd season in what has been a distinguished 19-year NFL head coaching career.

* Last chance to see Todd Kinchen drop a punt. Probably anywhere.

* Hey, it’s not an Angel game.

* Think of it as “Seat Location Day” for next year’s Mater Dei Division I title game.

* If 35,000 fans each show up with a life-sized John Shaw dummy to hang in effigy, the place will look packed.

* Fun On The View Level: Play “Who’s The Ram MVP?” with the people sitting around you, stump everyone in your section.

* A bonanza for the value-seeking pro football spectator: Two Ram quarterbacks for the price of one.

* Bring your dad and have him tell you stories about when the Rams made the playoffs.

* Chance to bid farewell to retiring future Hall of Famer Jackie Slater, who deserves so much better than this that they ought to cancel the game and sell tickets to “Jackie Slater Day” instead. If you’re looking for ways to sell out Anaheim Stadium, there’s one.

* Chance to watch Henry Ellard do something you rarely saw him do in 1990, 1991, 1992 or 1993. Catch a touchdown pass.

* All-time Anaheim Stadium record for decibel-level noise (Who concert, 1976) could be broken by first-, second-, third- and/or fourth-quarter booing of Georgia.

* Sit back, close your eyes and contemplate the legacy of Whitey Herzog, who was the first to take a job in Anaheim, trash the place and then retire to untold riches in St. Louis.

* You don’t want to miss the special halftime tribute: “Great Ram Super Bowl Victories.”

* Tickets make appropriate stocking stuffers for children who have misbehaved this year, lumps of coal being unsanitary and bad for the environment.

* Conveniently located Anaheim Stadium message boards will provide frequent updates of other games around the league being played with playoff berths at stake.

* If the Cardinals, Chiefs or Giants happen to win and clinch a playoff berth, nudge the person next to you and say, “Hey, the Rams beat them this year!”

* Third quarter a good time to check out Nolan Ryan’s new bust in the Orange County Hall of Fame.

* Jessie Hester looks to extend his pass-catching streak to 78 consecutive games, and YOU . . . ARE . . . THERE.

* Always a chance of a low-flying 737 passing overhead and creating a back draft that knocks over the earthquake-proof Big A scoreboard.

* Rams have clinched the sixth pick in next April’s draft, so there’s no motivation to lose this one.

* Fun On The View Level: Play “Who Will Be The Rams’ Quarterback Next Season?” with the people sitting around you. Frank Reich? Kerry Collins? Jim Hart?

* You’re going to miss those long, booming, almost lyrical Sean Landeta punts.

* “Many good seats still available!”