Jokes

It’s the Lord, Noah . . . Jay Leno, on TV producers using the floods in their story lines: “On ‘Models, Inc.,’ two of the girls are trapped under water and they survive by sucking the air out of each other’s heads.”

Police say crime is way down because of the rain. Of course, observes comedy writer Paul Ryan: “It’s harder to steal stuff that’s moving downstream.”

What’s the most requested wine in Napa Valley? Anything dry. (Alan Ray)

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In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on the Dodgers’ plan to lower ticket prices to 1958 levels if they use scrub replacement players: “For $3.50, you can sit in a box behind third base. For $4.50, you can play third base.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Cal Tech’s new earthquake monitors: “The super-sensitive instruments not only pinpoint the epicenter, but also can predict how many property owners will file false damage claims.”

Mills, on the Pope’s four-nation tour: “During his first stopover in Manila, the pontiff turned down a request to bless 2,000 pairs of Imelda Marcos’ shoes.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on rumors that Secretary of State Warren Christopher may resign: “He feels the Administration doesn’t take him seriously. If it did, he’d have a special prosecutor just like the rest of the Cabinet.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on The Newt’s mom chain-smoking while she talked endlessly during a TV interview: “Newt decided to kill two birds with one stone. He bought her a nicotine patch and put it over her mouth.”

Roy Rivenburg says Dead Sea Scroll scholars claim they have found biblical support for The Newt’s orphanage idea: “They found evidence that Cain and Abel asked to be put in an orphanage after Eve picked them up at the mall wearing hideous plaid pants.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on Merrill Lynch’s claim that the company warned the Orange County treasurer about his risky investments: “Apparently when you’re only Merrill Lynch, nobody listens.”

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The Simpson: Ray, on O.J. in jail: “He gets so depressed that twice a day he has his lawyer read him his rights: Book. Movie. TV. Sequel. CD-ROM. “

Ray, on the jury: “For the next few months, each will ponder the same question over and over again: Do I find an agent first or just get a publisher? “

Leno, on the Fox TV movie’s casting being completed: “You know who they got to play O.J.? Ike Turner.”

Reader Charlee Hutton has a nickname for the Simpson media: Cirque du O.J.

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When Van Nuys reader Arline Littman’s mother came for a visit, she was concerned about her daughter’s recent weight loss. “Look at you,” she exclaimed, “you’re nothing but skin and bones! You’re becoming a skeleton!” Littman’s son, 4, looked at his mother for a moment, then said:

“Mommy, please don’t become a skeleton. Just die!”

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