In Pro Football’s Hierarchy, Expect 49ers to Rule Again

The 30 best teams in the NFL (stands for: “No Football in Los Angeles”)--none of them coming to your neighborhood any time soon . . .

1. San Francisco: Recent headline on the cover of one national magazine: “Steve Young Walks On Water.” Reaction in the Bay Area: “Yeah, let’s see him do it three more times.”

2. Dallas: Uncovered at last--the real reason Jerry Jones defected from the pack and signed a 10-year, $40-million agreement with the famous cola distributor that is not the official cola distributor of the National Football League. When asked what he wanted to wash down that sideline hot dog with, Barry Switzer’s cotton-mouthed response was swift: “No Coke. Pepsi.”

3. Miami: Having added Eric Green, Trace Armstrong, Steve Emtman, Gary Clark and Rick Sanders to the payroll since their latest postseason disaster, the Dolphins now believe they’re only one more signing away from finally returning to the Super Bowl: Deion Sanders. At press time, however, Sanders was hopeful of striking a deal by which he plays cornerback for San Francisco, catches passes for Miami, returns kicks for Dallas and wins the Super Bowl for Denver. When reached for comment, one league official conceded, “If that’s what Deion wants, we won’t stand in his way. Just like how we didn’t stand in Georgia’s way or Al Davis’ way. Let’s face it, this isn’t a league office anymore, it’s a speed bump.”

4. Oakland: It is September 1995, Oakland has pro football for the first time since 1981, L.A. is without pro football for the first time since 1945. This is what happens when the NFL’s “Throwback Weekend” promotion gets out of hand.

5. Cleveland: At least the Browns aren’t going anywhere, especially not to the Super Bowl, as the trendoids have tabbed, not with Vinny Testaverde underthrowing Andre Rison 10 times a game. Safest prediction of the ‘90s: Eric Zeier will start a Super Bowl before Testaverde does.

6. New England: Last season, Bill Parcells had his quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, throw 691 passes in 16 games, a league record. And this just in from Hades: The ski lifts are running and there’s 10 inches of fresh powder over a firmly packed base, the best conditions reported there in several millennia.

7. Pittsburgh: Steelers still reeling from a horrific off-season. Eric Green left, Barry Foster left, Duval Love left and Neil O’Donnell stayed.

8. San Diego: With a much tougher schedule facing them in 1995, the Chargers are nobody’s pick to return to the Super Bowl, and that’s just fine by them.

9. Indianapolis: Craig Erickson is no John Unitas, but he’s no Jim Harbaugh, either. Big progress for the Colts.

10. New York Giants: Your team lost seven games in a row last year, then it won six in a row, you desperately need a proven hand to stabilize this wildly bobbing ship, so who do you sign and immediately move into the starting backfield? Herschel Walker. Of course. This is getting way too easy.

11. Denver: The state of sports in the state of Colorado: Denver has a better hockey team than a football team and Vinny Castilla is a better deep threat than John Elway.

12. Arizona: Buddy Ryan, who harbors an ugly pre-existing prejudice against all quarterbacks, especially quarterbacks who turn over the football, has just hired Dave Krieg, the NFL’s all-time leader in fumbles, to run his offense. This is going to be great fun.

13. Chicago: Erik Kramer or Steve Walsh? Lewis Tillman or Rashaan Salaam? Does anyone outside Chicago care or does anyone outside Chicago give a rip?

14. Philadelphia: Randall Cunningham wants the football all the time. Ricky Watters wants the football all the time. By the time it’s November in Philadelphia, who’ll have the football? Probably Rodney Peete.

15. Green Bay: “Joe Theismann here, and Brett Favre is really lighting it up for your old team, Sterling. Your thoughts?” “I ain’t talkin’ to the media, man.” “Yeah, but how about that Edgar Bennett?” “No comment.” “Robert Brooks has been a nice addition, don’t you think?” “That’s it, I’m outta here.”

16. Detroit: If the luckiest man in Detroit isn’t Scott Mitchell--$11.1 million contract, 62.0 quarterback rating, still employed--then it has to be Wayne Fontes.

17. Tampa Bay: From Steve Young to Vinny Testaverde to Craig Erickson to Trent Dilfer. Charles Darwin, obviously, was no football fan.

18. Buffalo: Jim Kelly. Thurman Thomas. Andre Reed. Marv Levy. Enough already.

19. Seattle: The head coach is in alcohol rehab, the wide receiver has been charged with killing his cousin, the running back allegedly assaulted a woman outside a bar and the other running back will soon be tried for his part in an auto accident that left the defensive end paralyzed. Orange County, this could be your next NFL team.

20. Atlanta: Someone has to finish second in the NFC West. Unless they all tie for last.

21. Kansas City: Q: Who replaces Joe Montana as the Chiefs’ quarterback? A: Bono. A: Is he good enough to lead the Chiefs back into the playoffs? A: Oh, no.

22. Minnesota: Blue Moon, you missed Cris Carter and he was standing alone.

23. New Orleans: One stat that always seems to be missing in every “Jim Everett proves Rams wrong” profile: Everett’s record in games started, 1994--seven victories, nine defeats.

24. Houston: New hope for Oilers! Aging, rotting Astroturf could mean more canceled home games!

25. Washington: Henry Ellard saw it before the rest of us did. No way was he about to end his heretofore dignified career in St. Louis.

26. Carolina: The Panthers will be better than the Rams. It’s a start.

27. St. Louis: Another season without playoff football in Anaheim. So what’s changed?

28. Cincinnati: Ki-Jana Carter took one look around the place and declared, “I do believe my knee is torn.”

29. New York Jets: Rich Kotite, the man hired to turn it around. And he will. From 6-10 to 3-13.

30. Jacksonville: Coach Tom Coughlin’s big book of team taboos includes no earrings, no sunglasses, no necklaces, no golf clubs, no unfastened chin straps and, quite possibly, no victories until 1996.