PRO FOOTBALL ’95 : Dolphins, Not the Chargers, Are in Driver’s Seat : AFC preview: Distractions and a tough schedule might even keep San Diego out of the playoffs.

Before going further in this dissertation on football’s rear bumper, let’s get one thing straight:

The AFC title is not going to be won by the defending champion San Diego Chargers.

Too many little bugs in the locker room. Too many giants on the schedule.

The Chargers have suffered through the death of David Griggs, the illness of Coach Bobby Ross, the serious injury of Darrien Gordon and the nasty holdout of Natrone Means.

They are a team that relies not on stars, but staying power. And right now, San Diego seems strung out.

“The Chargers will not make the playoffs this year, no way,” said Gary Plummer, 49er linebacker and a former Charger. “I was there a couple of years ago, when they had a great season that nobody expected [11-5 in 1992]. We came back the next year to play a first-place schedule and look what happened [they went 8-8]. It’s the same thing all over again.”

One more thing.

The Chargers believe Plummer, and everyone like him, should go throw himself under a wave.

“Lot of people on the outside are claiming stuff is happening on the inside of this team, and that’s bull,” said Reuben Davis, Charger defensive tackle. “None of that means squat to us. We don’t listen to it; we don’t believe it.

“We’re gonna have six bullets in our gun. And we’re coming out shooting.”

The problem is, shooting back will be the Miami Dolphins, on a mission for Marino.

And the Cleveland Browns, on a mission for Modell.

And the Indianapolis Colts, on a mission for . . . Marchibroda?

Well, let’s not get silly.

Here are answers to the 15 questions that accompany the 15-team AFC.

And not one of the answers contains the name Humphries.

1. What is this business about a mission for Marino?

You will hear it about a dozen times every Sunday, so get used to it.

This is the year Dan Marino, the Dolphin quarterback, breaks Fran Tarkenton’s four most prominent passing records--passes, completions, yards and touchdowns.

Does this make him the greatest quarterback ever? Not without at least one Super Bowl victory. His teammates want to win one for Marino.

“There’s always that sense of urgency because of the fact you never know when the game might end for you,” Marino said.

This season, though, the Dolphins’ most impressive work will occur when Marino is not on the field. For the first time since, oh, Jake Scott, the Dolphin defense seems capable of stopping somebody, thanks to the additions of linemen Trace Armstrong and Steve Emtman.

2. How can you mention the Browns among the other contenders? Has an alien taken over the body of Vinny Testaverde?

Those who believe that quarterback Testaverde cannot lead this Cleveland team to greatness are missing the point.

This team is so good that Testaverde needs only to sit in the passenger seat and read the map.

The Browns will win for owner Art Modell with two running backs who could start for two-thirds of the teams in this league--Leroy Hoard and Lorenzo White. They will win with three splendid wide receivers, led by newcomer Andre Rison, who already leads the league in attitude.

3. Won’t Rison’s mouth get him in trouble in conservative Cleveland?

It already has.

After requiring five Georgia highway patrolmen to protect him when he left his former Georgia Dome home after an exhibition game, Rison said, “Don’t assassinate me. Assassinate the Smiths [Rankin and Taylor Smith, Falcon owners].”

4. When discussing championship contenders, aren’t you forgetting the Raiders, with their new offense, new home and great leadership of Al Davis?

No.

5. But isn’t every other team in the AFC West going to fall on its face?

Not quite.

The Kansas City Chiefs began training camp without Joe Montana looking like a 6-10 team.

But then Steve Bono began acting as if he had spent his career doing more than standing on the sidelines.

And a new penetrating defense from new coordinator Gunther Cunningham means that defensive end Neil Smith won’t be the only one on this team swinging for the fences.

6. What about the rest of the West?

The Seattle Seahawks are a mess, on and off the field, and will finish last. When Coach Dennis Erickson chose to return to the Pacific Northwest, he had no idea he was going back to Washington State.

The Denver Broncos will be better, and could be very good if quarterback John Elway can finish the season without a cane. His coach is finally one of his best friends, Mike Shanahan. And he finally has sound receivers--Mike Pritchard, Shannon Sharpe and Anthony Miller--who will make the Three Amigos look like a bad talent-show routine.

Which brings us to Dec. 24, a wonderful holiday eve, when Denver will win at Oakland, and Kansas City will defeat the visiting Seahawks and the division championship will be determined by a new 10th tiebreaker--the team whose lawyers can successfully decipher Al Davis’ tax returns.

7. Who will be the AFC’s breakthrough players?

The Pittsburgh Steelers need more hard bodies the way that city needs more bridges. Nonetheless, they will finally have an offense that can give some oxygen to that defense, thanks to running back Bam Morris and receiver Charles Johnson.

Morris, who gained 836 yards in part-time duty last year, will remind people of Franco Harris, as long as he stays below 400 pounds. Others look at Johnson’s leaping ability and think of a guy named Stallworth.

8. So why won’t the Steelers at least return to the AFC championship game?

Their secondary, even when Deon Figures recovers from a gunshot wound in his leg, isn’t good enough to stop the Browns’ receivers.

That is exactly how the Browns planned it. With Rison and White, they know the Steelers can’t hold them to 10 or fewer points in three games this year.

9. Who will be the biggest busts?

There is talk that Raider quarterback Jeff Hostetler’s arm is still hurting.

There is talk that Cincinnati Bengal quarterback Jeff Blake has been figured out by opposing defenses and will be cut down by his size.

There is talk that Buffalo Bill veterans are on the brink of physical and emotional collapse, despite Jim Kelly’s impressive summer work and attitude.

And, of course, floating around is that advice offered by the multitudes for years to New York Jet quarterback Boomer Esiason.

“Enough, already!”

10. Any surprise teams?

They will win their first four games, which include meetings with the Bengals, Jets and St. Louis Rams.

They will win their last four games, which include consecutive meetings with the two expansion teams.

And Coach Ted Marchibroda’s Indianapolis Colts will win at least two of the eight games in between, reaching the playoffs for the first time in a non-strike season since they moved from Baltimore 11 seasons ago.

Quarterback Craig Erickson will be a great one. Running back Marshall Faulk already is.

11. How about bust teams?

Drew Bledsoe of the New England Patriots has finally admitted what the rest of the league has been thinking.

“We’re not as good a team now as we were after the Cleveland game [a playoff loss] a year ago,” Bledsoe said.

That’s putting it mildly. With no running game, a suspect defensive front and a killer schedule, last year’s December darlings might not break even.

12. What’s with the Houston Oilers? Any of them stabbing teammates yet?

For the third consecutive season, the Oilers will be one of the worst, yet most interesting, teams, thanks to feisty Coach Jeff Fisher and eccentric owner Bud Adams.

Just look:

Linebacker Micheal Barrow, on the cancellation of the exhibition game with San Diego because of unsuitable Astrodome artificial turf: “Our fans have been going through so much. At the very least, we should have showed them the [Mike] Tyson fight and offered them half-priced beer. This has been like a long-running soap opera. It’s bigger than ‘who shot J.R.?’ ”

Receiver Haywood Jeffires, on everything: “This is my ninth year with the Oilers, and I thought I’d seen everything, but deep down, I know there’ll always be something else. The only thing I can think of that’s left is for a hurricane to blow right through here, and everybody will probably call it Hurricane Bud.”

13. Will there be anybody on the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars worth watching?

They have a nice new running back in James Stewart. They have a nice new stadium with a view of the St. John’s River. Other than that, they are just a bunch of guys who are afraid of being fired if they cross their legs in meetings.

14. The best and worst games to watch?

The Browns and Steelers renew pro football’s best rivalry twice in three weeks, on Nov. 13 in Pittsburgh and Nov. 26 in Cleveland.

The worst game is scheduled three days after Thanksgiving, when unfortunates, on full stomachs, will watch the Jacksonville Jaguars play host to the Cincinnati Bengals.

15. Will the Raiders do anything else to surprise us?

You mean, besides slinking back to Los Angeles in 1996 when Oakland taxpayers realize they’ve been swindled?