LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Cirque du O.J.: “A quick verdict? The statue of Blind Justice has replaced her scales with a starter’s pistol.” (Bob Mills)

* “The jurors worked so fast, it’s hard to believe that any of them are postal workers.” (Jenny Church)

* “The jury picked a name for itself: ‘Decision Crafters: Verdicts in about three hours.’ ” (Mills)

* “Johnnie Cochran said, ‘If the gloves don’t fit, you must acquit.’ Then he put on the knit, and the jury bit.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Gil Garcetti was late for his press conference. He had to stop the janitor from erasing his name from his office door.” (Brad Halpern)

* “The media crush was absurd Tuesday. The ‘E’ Channel even had Joan Rivers outside the courtroom trashing participants’ fashion choices.” (Tony Peyser)

* “In one pre-verdict poll, 59% thought there would be a hung jury. They were hung all right: ‘Do we wait to tell Ito before or after lunch?’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the new $100 bills: “They will be printed on recycled material that is plentiful and worthless--the GOP’s ‘contract with America.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Northwest Airlines crew that last month flew to the wrong airport in the wrong country: “Now we know who hired all those pilots who flew in Vietnam and swore we never bombed Cambodia.”

Mills, on Sen. Bob Dole promising to help Gov. Pete pay off his campaign debt: “Dole said he would also lend a hand in trying to help restore Wilson’s credibility.”

Cutler, on the new season of “Saturday Night Live”: “Shouldn’t it at least have a pulse to be called live? . . . I’ve seen funnier writing in living wills.”

Peyser, on USC and UCLA football players being suspended for questionable dealings with a sports agent: “This is Los Angeles, aren’t all dealings with agents questionable?”

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on the British officially, but unhappily, going metric: “Their new slogan is: ‘Give the European Union an inch, and they’ll take a kilometer.’ ”

Church, on the San Diego Zoo’s two-headed corn snake, which recently produced 15 baby snakes: “The creature is called ‘Thelma and Louise,’ but zoo officials say the scientific name for a two-headed snake is ‘co-counsel.’ ”

Church, on a celebrity-oriented quiz show in development called “Planet Hollywood Squares”: “CNN’s Larry King would win by lining up all his exes.”

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Rancho Palos Verdes reader Jean Desmond says that when daughter Lynley was age 4, she was just learning to read. While Desmond was busy in the kitchen, Lynley was watching “Wheel of Fortune” and shouting at the screen:

“Buy a bowel, buy a bowel.”