THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : After Eight Weeks, the Envelopes, Please

Lost in the shadows for years, a bench warmer is offered one brief chance at the spotlight.

For Steve Bono, that moment becomes two months of stardom.

Unloved and unwanted, a journeyman is given one more quick chance to impress his team’s fans.

For Erik Kramer, that moment becomes two months of cheers.

A team of mostly kids and cast-offs is put under the care of a man who is mostly up-tight.

Two months later, the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars and Tom Coughlin are thinking mostly playoffs.

Teams led by Rich Brooks and Mike White are succeeding.

Teams led by Don Shula, Bill Parcells and Dan Reeves are not.

Vince Evans has as many 300-yard passing games as Dan Marino.

Jim Harbaugh has thrown more touchdown passes than Troy Aikman.

Harvey Williams has rushed for more yards than Marshall Faulk.

And nobody in football has caught as many passes as . . . Eric Metcalf?

Wouldn’t you know it? The first year Southern California has been without a professional football team in 50 years, the league has finally gone Hollywood.

At halftime of the 76th NFL season, the show has rarely been better.

There’s drama in Kansas City, whose Chiefs have won three times in overtime and once in a snowstorm.

There’s action-adventure in Dallas, where, sometimes, the action and adventure even involve the football team.

There’s comedy in Arizona with Buddy Ryan, history in Miami with Marino chasing Fran Tarkenton, a wonderful parody of two football teams in New Jersey. And look, a sweet remake is being shown in Buffalo.

The free-agency/salary-cap system is purring in its third year, carrying the Cincinnati Bengals and Atlanta Falcons to the top, pushing the New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers to the brink.

There are no labor problems, but there is an understandable TV package, and players who routinely sign autographs, free.

All of which has set up the wide screen for a first half that has been worth the price of chocolate sprinkles.

Tamarick Vanover of the Chiefs returned a punt 76 yards for an overtime touchdown so dramatic, the winners wept.

Bono ran 76 yards for a touchdown on a bootleg that so badly fooled the Arizona Cardinals, his linemen laughed.

Robert Smith of the Minnesota Vikings completed a 58-yard touchdown run with one shoe, and then said, “I’m going to have to get a sock contract.”

Thanks to Pittsburgh Coach Bill Cowher and a crumpled photo, referee Gordon McCarter can now get a shirt-pocket contract.

And who will forget Dave Shula falling to the ground in frustration on one side of the field, while father Don glared and shook his head across the way?

For two years, both men have said that beating the other one meant little. Upon watching Don’s Dolphins defeat Dave’s Bengals by three points, it is reassuring to know that they have both been lying.

And guess who hasn’t even shown up yet?

He’ll be in Atlanta on Sunday with ugly shoes and at least one pretty pick.

And OK, so the league is making a public stink while trying to beat Cowboy owner Jerry Jones into submission. Just ignore it. Jones does.

If you can also forget that Fox’s James Brown had to conduct that asinine, pandering halftime interview of Mike Tyson on Sunday--”So, Mike, we hear you’re a Cowboy fan”--then you’ll agree that these two months deserve two thumbs up.

The envelopes, please.

BEST PICTURE

Dallas Cowboys.

They are two touchdowns better than the San Francisco 49ers, so you know nobody is close.

Their only loss, in Washington, occurred amid the confusion of losing their starting quarterback to injury in the first quarter. It would happen in 29 other places.

For all of his player personnel mistakes, owner Jones has kept the right players in free agency. His old ones have gotten tougher. His younger ones have grown smarter.

And, shhhh, don’t tell anybody, but Coach Barry Switzer is actually starting to learn some of their names.

Runners-up: None.

WORST PICTURE

New England Patriots.

They win a close battle over the Steelers and Cleveland Browns because, after all, Bill Parcells is supposed to be smarter than this. And Drew Bledsoe, even injured, is supposed to be better than this.

Runners-up: Horrible Steelers, wretched Browns, disgusting New York Giants. All three were supposed to make the playoffs. For the sake of TV ratings, here’s hoping none will.

SURPRISE PICTURE

Kansas City Chiefs.

Those who were so worried about them losing Joe Montana should have taken notice when they gained defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham and offensive line coach Art Shell, both from the Raiders.

They may finish games with a flourish, but they win them with their dirt-heads. And heaven help anybody who must play in Arrowhead Stadium in January.

Runners-up: The Jeff Blake-led Bengals could make the playoffs. So could the Indianapolis Colts and St. Louis Rams.

BEST DIRECTOR

Rich Brooks, St. Louis Rams.

This is not only an award for the last eight weeks, but for the last eight months, when Brooks managed a productive off-season amid the distractions of a move.

Runners-up: Maybe Coughlin has been right with all of his rules. Maybe Marv Levy of the Buffalo Bills really is getting younger. And maybe Mike White of the Raiders really has kept Al Davis locked in some hotel gym.

WORST DIRECTOR

Jim Mora, New Orleans Saints.

Mario Bates has become timid, Jim Everett is throwing off his back foot again, and a once-proud defense is worse than those belonging to the expansion teams. Who’s the boss?

Runner-ups: Dennis Erickson is over his head in Seattle, Wayne Fontes is 5 1/2 feet under in Detroit, Dan Reeves has lost his touch in New York with the Giants, and Ryan shouldn’t last another winter in the desert.

BEST ACTOR

Emmitt Smith, Dallas Cowboys.

Maybe when he ran 60 yards for a touchdown on his first carry of the season, we should have taken the hint. For the first time in several years, his legs are sound, his favorite tackle Erik Williams is in the lineup, and the results are devastating.

Runners-up: Bryce Paup of the Bills, solid against the run and tough on the passer, has been the league’s best defensive player. The “rookie” Bono and renewed Kramer have taken over games. Williams of the Cowboys has opened more holes than a greenskeeper.

WORST ACTOR

Tie, between quarterback Randall Cunningham of the Philadelphia Eagles and running back Bam Morris of the Steelers.

So much to choose from, so little space.

Runners-up: Receiver Andre Rison of the Browns, quarterback Dave Brown of the New York Giants. If they were on the same team, Brown couldn’t find him and Rison wouldn’t care.

SURPRISE ACTOR

Curtis Conway, Chicago Bears.

This season he can find not only O’Hare Airport--near where he became lost as a rookie, missing a team plane--but the end zone. His eight touchdowns are twice as many as he scored in his previous two NFL seasons combined.

Runners-up: Pat Swilling, now playing with his hand on the ground as an end, thanks to Davis, is famous again in the Raider defense. Brett Perriman of the Detroit Lions is another receiver who learned how to get open. And the Falcons’ Metcalf wins this year’s Terance Mathis Award as a player who fell into the perfect system.

BEST YOUNG ACTOR

Hugh Douglas, defensive end, New York Jets.

This No. 16 overall selection from Central State in Ohio, tied for the AFC lead with seven sacks, is a great pass rusher in a line with nobody deflecting the heat.

Runners-up: Running back Terrell Davis is an all-purpose hit in Denver, and defensive back Craig Newsome levels all-purpose hits in Green Bay. And when your expansion team wins three of your first four pro starts--which happened with Jaguar tackle Tony Boselli--then you know you are doing something right.

WORST YOUNG ACTOR

Mark Fields, linebacker, Saints.

This 13th overall pick from Washington State has given them zilch in a year when they needed plenty.

Runners-up: We knew punter Ray Guy, and second-round pick Todd Sauerbrun of the Chicago Bears, despite advance notices, is no Ray Guy. Cornerback Ty Law of the Patriots and defensive tackle Luther Elliss of the Lions are both first-round busts for bust teams.