He Proves That Bigger Isn’t Better

There is good news for Kennedy daredevil, and sometime defensive back, Nick Papanic. Respectable work is available.

--The circus will come to town this year. Ever been shot from a cannon?

--Rumor has it Quentin Tarantino will remake the “Wizard of Oz.” Here, try this, “Ding dong, the wicked witch--or any other @%#$& who stands in my way--is dead.”

--The local hockey team might need a new mascot, should the still-smoldering “Wild Wing” go up in flames at The Pond. Come on, don’t be a sitting duck, kid. Be a mighty one.

But forget football. Forget it.

You don’t have it. The size, that is. It’s not artificially subsidized. So take those crazed eyes and nasty snarl somewhere else. As everyone knows, you have to be big to play high school football, don’t ya? Let’s find you another outlet for all that energy. You got the mental makeup, kid. It’s just squeezed into a convenient, take-home package.

Five feet 9, 155 pounds. Sure. And Joe Pesci is the next heavyweight champ. That’s a lot of raving bull, kid. It’s doubtful you top 150 waterlogged. And, as to 5-9, well, can you watch game films without a booster seat?

Kid, you have to be big to play high school football. Everyone knows that. That’s why there’s been more juice in high school weight rooms than in all of Florida.

So what if your actions meant an R rating for the El Dorado game film? Knocking a ballcarrier off his feet, out of bounds and over the long jump pit on the fly was vicious. Truly vicious. And those shifty eyes are a bit unnerving. But does such intensity make up for a lack of size? OK, it does. But it doesn’t make you big.

You have to be big to play high school football, really big.

Why else have we seen the needle and the damage done?

Besides, don’t you tire of receivers hollering, “fee, fie, fo, fum,” prior to the snap? High school football takes grit and that means size, doesn’t it? How tough can a guy be when he doesn’t make the height for the Autopia?

Well, yeah, there was that baseball game last year, when you fielded a ground ball with your left nostril. Sure, you complained about being pulled from the game. You were there to play, broken nose or not. So you didn’t miss an inning the rest of the season? But does that make you tough? OK, it does. But it doesn’t make you big.

You got to be big to play high school football. Barn-sized big.

If a person is not born with it, he should manufacture it, right? Yup, better football through chemistry.

How can you be a good football player when you don’t cast a shadow? Granted, you got instincts. You showed that the night against Buena Park, when you raced up field to get that fumble. Everyone else was closer, but all they saw was your vapor trail. You zeroed in and attacked. No wonder your coaches and teammates call you “Chicken Hawk.” But does ability make you a good high school football player? OK, it does. But does it make you a big high school football player? A-ha, got you there.

You gotta think big here, kid. Frankenstein-type big. Oh-my-God-what-is-that-hideous-thing big.

Geez, in the team photo, you look like a hand puppet standing next to Josh Koziel. And he’s only 6 feet tall. And, tell the truth, they gave you No. 8 because double digits wouldn’t fit, right?

You got to be big to play high school football. Yup, as big as the mistake some kids make trying to get big. Hmmm, wait a minute here.

You know, kid, maybe 5-9, 155 will do just fine.