Punch Lines

Accepting the award . . . Tonight’s Oscars are more than just a ceremony to recognize outstanding performances, says Brad Halpern. “It’s a great opportunity to make new contacts and get your kids into UCLA.”

* “Jesse Jackson won’t be the only one protesting tonight. Another group of pickets will be holding up signs that say ‘Free Alec Baldwin.’ ” (Bob Mills)

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In the news: Michael Jackson has formed an entertainment company with Saudi Prince al-Waleed bin Talal to focus on “traditional family values.”

* “Yeah, the prince is going to use his harem to raise kids for Jacko.” (Steve Tatham)

* “No one knows just how rich the prince is, but his name is worth 10 million points in Scrabble.” (Argus Hamilton)

An undersea volcano is erupting off Oregon. Says Margaret Hatfield, “Fishermen are reporting record catches of poached salmon.”

Test scores of LAPD recruits dropped 9% between 1986 and 1994. Says Mills, “The worst grades were posted in Speed-Trap Setup, Authoritative Swaggering and Doughnut Shop Etiquette.”

Astronaut Shannon Lucid will spend five disorienting months in space. Says Tatham, “After that, she’ll change her name to Shannon Incoherent.”

Opera superstar Luciano Pavarotti separated from his wife of 35 years after he was caught having an affair with his 26-year-old secretary. Says Paul Ecker, “I guess it’s over when the fat man swings.”

Now that the telecommunications bill has been approved, Richard Acello says watch for these new cable channels:

* The Laundromat Channel (watch bachelors mix whites and colors!).

* The Airport X-ray Channel (spot the bomb or contraband in the luggage!).

* The Checkout Channel (thrill as shoppers try to sneak that 11th item into the 10-item-only line!).

* The Parking Meter Channel (watch the meter tick down, then enjoy the reactions of angry motorists receiving tickets!).

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In the moooooos: Britain may have to kill all its cattle because of an outbreak of “mad cow disease.” Their meat could be contaminated. Says Hamilton, “And tourists thought the Beefeaters were turning green in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.”

* He adds, “There are two symptoms of mad cow disease. First, you become the future queen of England. Then, you run off with your riding instructor.”

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Reader Shirley Ritter of Redondo Beach was watching TV with her husband and daughter when a promo for the Academy Awards came on. To her husband she said, “Let’s do ourselves a favor and not watch the Oscars this year.”

“No, no, no!” piped up Claire, 4. “I want to see the Oscars!”

“You don’t even know what they are,” Mom replied.

“Oh yes, I do,” Claire insisted. “They’re grumpy people who live in garbage cans.”