Punch Lines

Play ball! Three major religions celebrate holy days this week, says Gary Easley. “Judaism has Passover, Christianity has Easter and Baseball has Opening Day.”

* Ballparks opened with an April Fools’ special, says Alan Ray: “The first 40,000 fans got to pay full price.”

* “Rain kept President Clinton from throwing the first pitch in Baltimore, but he did get to observe the traditional recycling of last year’s hot-dog water.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Tommy Lasorda went to the pitcher’s mound so often last season, this year the Dodgers have installed a salad bar.” (Bob Mills)

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In the news: USC has the nation’s No. 1 debating team. Says Joe Kevany, “However, there is speculation that some players may have received ‘dummy’ grades for their P.E. classes.”

Two jets approaching LAX came perilously close to colliding. Says Jerry Perisho, “Fortunately, one pilot was familiar with Los Angeles driving etiquette. When the other got too close, he rolled down his window and fired a warning shot.”

President Clinton has taken a personal interest in speeding up medical breakthroughs, says Argus Hamilton. “His brother, Roger, just discovered a new antiperspirant. It’s called unemployment.”

In Hollister, Calif., 27 schoolchildren are accused of running a credit card scam. Says Ray, “Half of them will reportedly plead guilty to a lesser charge: chewing gum in class.”

Room 807 at the Beverly Prescott Hotel has been named the Jerry Garcia Room. Says Paul Ryan, “Just eat the mint they leave on the pillow and the place redecorates itself.”

Pope John Paul II wants women to play a larger role in the church. Hollywood gave him the momentum, says Hamilton. “A nun just won the Oscar for best actress when the male voters split between the hooker and the coke head.”

New on video, says Leslie Nesbitt: “ ‘Cutthroat Island,’ the story of a traffic divider in the parking lot of CAA.”

“Baywatch” star Pamela Lee is suing Penthouse for having a videotape of her and her husband in bed. Says Hamilton, “In Hollywood, you should never take your work home with you.”

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Reader Chuck Gardner of Los Angeles says son Nicky, 5, was told by his baby-sitter that she was going to visit her nephew, who had broken his arm. Prompted by his grandmother, Nicky decided to draw the boy a picture.

“How old is he?” Nicky asked.

“Four and three-quarters,” Grandma answered.

“Oh, I can write that,” he exclaimed.

Soon, Nicky came to show off his picture. He’d drawn a backward numeral 4 followed by three grayish circles.

“What are these?” he was asked.

“Three quarters!” he shouted, amazed at their ignorance.