Punch Lines

Is it already time to hate the oil companies again? asks Brad Halpern. “It seems like only yesterday it was Hate the Tobacco Companies season.”

How expensive is gas?

* “Steve Forbes is car-pooling with the guy from the Grey Poupon commercials.” (Paul Ecker)

* “You can’t even afford to drive your spouse crazy.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “I saw a man with a sign that read ‘Will work for 89 octane.’ ” (Ecker)

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In the news: The NRA has announced that it will support Bob Dole for president. Says Bob Mills, “And this from an outfit whose leaders wear holsters with special compartments for Republican congressmen.”

Congress has a plan that would let workers carry their health insurance from one job to another. Says Halpern, “The only problem would be back injuries from all that heavy lifting.”

The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld a ban on nude dancing. Says Cutler, “Clarence Thomas is glad this case fell into his lap.”

A new trash-to-energy incinerator in Washington state is ready for operation but officials say they may not have enough trash to fuel it. Says Bill Williams, “Wow, let’s put one of those suckers in Washington, D.C., and power the entire country.”

The NFL player draft was held over the weekend. Says Argus Hamilton, “In the first round, the Dallas Cowboys got some much-needed help on defense. They drafted Johnnie Cochran.”

Released after 44 days in prison, F. Lee Bailey held a press conference. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “He blurted: ‘I don’t believe it. A law-abiding citizen goes to jail while murderers walk free . . . oops!’ ”

The University of Florida will be the first school in the state to require incoming freshmen to pass a stringent writing test. Says Williams, “If they can write a check for six figures, they’re in.”

Louis Farrakhan says some of his ancestors may have been Jewish. Says Kenny Noble, “Small world. Turns out he’s even related to Marlon Brando.”

A Philadelphia restaurant has a new policy of refusing to serve rude people. Premiere says the manager explained, “We used to have rude and nonrude sections, but people were still bothered by secondhand rudeness.”

A recent survey found that 68% of Americans admit to being overweight. Says Alan Ray, “Researchers don’t really understand the reason, the respondents didn’t want to talk with their mouths full.”

Former Olympic gold medalist Nadia Comaneci returned home to Romania to marry U.S. champion gymnast Bart Conner. Says Hamilton, “This’ll be the most interesting honeymoon in history. They’ve asked the hotel for a spotter.”

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Reader Betty Johnson of Laguna Hills reports that her Air Force son, David, told his 9-year-old daughter, Kelsey, that he was being sent to San Antonio. She asked:

“Daddy, are we going to war with Texas?”